"I was diagnosed...."

A year and 10 months after being diagnosed, I have met many, many women who have said these words to me.  "I was diagnosed......"  It becomes part of a normal conversation complete with treatment, surgeries, prognosis, and more medical terms than I ever wanted to know.

It is a difficult thing as an adult to say these words and understand what they mean.  The radio station I listen to is currently doing a radiothon to benefit Children's Hospital here in Seattle.  Children's Hospital is a shining star in health care.  They take care of children who need it regardless of economic ability.  I have been listening all day and the thing that continues to bring me to tears is the interviews.  I keep hearing children as young as 3 saying those words..."I was diagnosed....".  They shouldn't even know what the word means.

Not all of the kids at Children's Hospital are dealing with cancer, but many are.  Cancer is a miserable, terrible, cruel disease and the treatment for cancer is miserable as well.  These kids who are going through chemo or radiation or stem-cell transplants are braver than brave and they don't deserve to be turned away because their families can't afford the treatment.  I hope you will join me in supporting Children's Hospital. If you are a survivor who reads this blog, I want you to remember the first time you had to say those words..."I was diagnosed".  If you are a parent who reads it, think about how your heart would hurt if you heard your children say those words.

You can Donate here

Can you say Soy?

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told that I am Estrogen and Progesterone positive meaning that estrogen and progresterone running through my body added fuel to the fire, so to speak, by allowing cancer cells to attach onto it and grow.

It is for this reason that I currently take Tamoxifen and will continue to take it for the next 4 years if not more.  Tamoxifen blocks the estrogen from attaching to any rogue cancer cells.  It is also for this reason that I have significantly reduced the amount of soy that I have in my diet.  Soy acts like an estrogen and the research up until this point has been very very inconclusive on the effects that soy has on estrogen positive breast cancer survivors like myself.

Now, don't think that I was a soy-aholic before my diagnosis, I wasn't.  I don't like soy milk, I don't eat tofu unless it is in hot and sour soup, I don't buy soy bacon or tofutti or anything else that is suppposed to make you think you are eating meat.  But here's the problem, soy is in EVERYTHING.  Take a look at your labels, there is soy in salad dressings, bread, soups, sauces, cereal.  Everything has some form of soy in it which makes it very difficult when you are trying to avoid it.   

Since giving up sugar and sugar substitutes, I have become an avid label reader so while I can't in all honesty say I have given up soy, I can say that I avoid it as often as possible because it was my understanding that it might increase my chances of a recurrence.

Finally, there is a study that says this just might not be the case. This study says that maybe, just maybe, soy is helpful in preventing a recurrence even for people like me who are estrogen positive and taking Tamoxifen.  Could it be true that I can go to one of my favorite restaurants, PF Changs, and order the edamame and eat it without concern??   That I can give my children soy milk without worrying about their personal breast cancer risk??

Three cheers for soy!  I'm going out to find some edamame....

1st Order of Business

OK, I admit it, I am a little behind on filtering through the junk piles at home. With two kids, it just seems like the junk piles tend to multiply. Could they possibly bring home more paper and projects from school??

I hate to admit it, but just today I went through a pile of papers that came home with Darci in June on the last day of school. Most of it will be heaped into the recycle bin, but some things are special. Apparently at the beginning of the year, the kids were asked to write a letter to their new teacher telling them a little bit about themselves, what they wanted to accomplish during the year, goals etc. This is how the beginning of Darci's looks.

Dear Mr. L.

The first order of business is that my mom has been going through chemo all summer and now will be doing radiation. The next thing you should know is that I play soccer and have practices twice a week and games on Saturday.....

I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I think it definitely reflects that the most important thing going on in her life is what was happening to her mother at the time, but I love that it gets the same attention as the fact that she plays soccer.

I unfortunately know several kids in this general age group who have parents who have been or are currently fighting cancer. I don't know how they are all handling it, but I think there is a certain resiliency to kids that as parents we don't always give them credit for. I know when I was diagnosed, my first thoughts were about how it was going to affect my children, would I die and leave my children, how would my children deal with their mother losing their hair, etc, etc, etc.

As I always say, I am utterly amazed by my children. While I was absolutely consumed by the fact that I had cancer, I am glad to know that my daughter was taking it in stride along with the other stresses in her life. It was just a small blip on her radar. While I know that my girls are at an increased risk for breast cancer and that they will eventually have to deal with that knowledge, I think I am glad to know that maybe this will all just become a distant memory for them.

Kudos also to the teacher who wrote a note back to her that was very sweet. It said that he had gone through something similar with his mother and if she ever needed to talk about anything, he was there for her. I don't know if she took him up on it, but I'm glad that she was in a place both physically and mentally where she felt comfortable and supported.

Reflections on a Walk

Well I did it. I completed this year's Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk. I have not had any type of shoes on except for flip flops since Sunday and have taken advantage of a quiet house to put my feet up and recuperate.

The organization provides cheering locations so that friends and family can come and cheer the walkers on. On Day 2 my wonderful husband and children waited 4 hours just so they could cheer me on. I started to cry as soon as I saw them running to me. After the initial hugging and hello's, my youngest daughter asked me if I was going to do it again next year. A bit like asking someone who is in labor if they are going to have more children, but here are my thoughts on that question:

Cons of the walk:

-9 long months of fund-raising
-9 long months of training
-3 full days away from my family
-1 very large time commitment
-Sunburned cheeks
-Sore muscles
-Several (and I do mean several) trips to the medical tent
-Loss of one toenail
-Blisters
-Blisters
-Blisters

While the first day was full of emotion and uplifting spirit, by the second day I was seriously wondering who had come up with this cruel and unusual punishment. Several blisters decided to make an appearance and each and every step of the 21.6 miles that were included in the second day were painful. My good humor and positive attitude were diminishing quickly. When I saw a sign that said "No Whining" I had to quit talking because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Pros of the Walk

-Being part of the opening and closing ceremonies
-Meeting other survivors
-Seeing the amazing dedication of the walkers
-Being part of a truly inspiring team
-Walking with my sister who means the world to me
-Walking with my friend Matt, one of the finest people on the planet
-Being pampered and spoiled by the entire 3 day crew from the people helping us cross streets to the angels disguised as medical volunteers in the medical tents
-Looking out into the crowd during opening and closing ceremonies and seeing the smiles and the tears of my teammates, friends and family
-Seeing the incredible community support in the way of stickers, water, cheers, food (and more food)
-Feeling supported in every way
-Raising over 8200.00 personally
-Raising over 137,000.00 as a team
-Raising over 5.5 million as a community

I had a couple of defining moments throughout the walk that I wasn't expecting.

1. On day 2 when my feet were well past cooperating and it was 86 degrees and I didn't know if I could take another step, a stranger stepped off of the sidelines and asked if he could throw away my garbage-a cup that I was carrying. I teared up because someone who didn't know anything about me was willing to do something as menial as throw my garbage out for me so that I could continue putting one foot in front of another.

2. At the end of day 2 when we had 2 miles left to go, I realized that I just couldn't do it. I thought that I wanted to complete the entire 60 miles without having to take one of the many shuttle vans that were available. I took the van for the last 2 miles and realized that I didn't feel an ounce of guilt about it. There is nothing heroic in torturing myself. I realized that my success was not defined by the ability to walk 60 miles, nor was it defined by doing it in the fastest time possible. It was defined by the fact that I raised money for a cause that is immensely important to me.

3. On day 3 I saw a small pink sign stuck in the grass of someone's yard that gave me the reason why it was all worth it. It said this:

My Grandma thanks you for walking
Stage 4
Still Fighting

So will I do it again? My feet will pipe up with a resounding "NO!" but my head and heart will supercede my feet and say yes. There is still work to be done. People are still being diagnosed with cancer every day. 1 in 8 women. That is just too many. I will sign up for 2010 and do it all again-hopefully without blisters.

Thank you to my Grandma, my cousin Dale, friends Mary Kay, Annie, Jill, Paul, Tara, Robert, Marcia, Terry, Tristi, Shannon, Mike, Bailey, Kylie, Connor, Taryn, Jim, Heidi, Grace (and Coco), my husband and my daughters for coming out to cheer us on. Can I count on you again next year??

Catch a Cure for Cancer

"When cancer is discovered at an early stage, nearly every patient is cured while the opposite is true for cancer detected at a late stage. The Hutch will lead the way in early detection. We have a terrific group of very talented scientists who are international leaders in research on early cancer detection."
- Lee Hartwell, Ph.D., President & Director,
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.

This morning I went to a local radio station to be interviewed. My story will be part of a radiothon on September 16th that the Moyer Foundation puts on to raise funds for the early detection of cancer.

While I was honored to be asked to do it and to participate, the most poignant part of the interview was having my girls there with me. They were asked to be part of the interview as well and I couldn't have been prouder of their poise and maturity.

When I found out that the interview would take place with all 3 of us in the same room, I was worried. Not worried that the girls couldn't handle themselves, but worried that I couldn't. Though I can speak to my own cancer story without getting overly emotional, it is a completely different story to listen to my children tell it from their perspective. It makes me sad that they had to go through this cancer experience at such a young age and in such close proximity. It also makes me proud that they handled themselves throughout the entire diagnosis, surgeries and treatment with such grace and understanding.

I am blessed to have such wonderful children and I am glad to be able to share them with the world so that they can tell their story. If anything can make people understand how difficult cancer is, it is hearing it from the perspective of a child.

I am happy to say I did not cry in the interview. At least not on the outside.

Through Her Eyes

It is the last week of school for my children which means they have been bringing home all of the "valuable junk" that they have in thier lockers and their desks. While most of it is truly junk, I found a collection of poems that Cailey wrote for an assignment. One of them brought me to tears.

The phone rings loudly
My mom answers it quickly
My mom has Cancer

Cailey was the only person at home with me when I got that call from my doctor telling me that I had cancer. I cried so hard that I couldn't talk to her to tell her what was wrong. She immediately went into action and grabbed the phone and asked me who she should call. In the end, she called my sister as my husband was on a bike ride without his phone. It was Cailey that had to sit with me during the initial shock.

I have worried about how my having been diagnosed with cancer would affect my kids and for the most part I think they are pretty grounded and well-adjusted.

What I didn't realize though is that the moment when I received that phone call is so vividly imprinted in her head. Just one moment, that is all it took.

I hope to imprint many happy memories over the top of that one. As always, I am humbled by the compassion, love and inner beauty of my children.

Too Young

I just read about a 10 year old girl who has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. 10 years old!! I thought I was too young at 43. Having a 10 year old daughter myself as well as an 11 year old, I just cannot imagine how these parents are feeling. It is completely unfair. Enough is enough already! 10 is just too young, 20 is too young, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 is too young. As I have said many times before, it is time for Breast Cancer to go away.

I will be praying for this little girl (Hannah is her name)and her family and hoping that all of the great research that has been done for breast cancer can help this family as well. They are in the LA area and I hope that they will find brilliant doctors who can help heal her physically and mentally.

10 years old is just too young!

Giving

Over the past couple of days, the radio station that I listen to was having a radiothon to benefit Seattle Children's Hospital. I have been giving to Children's hospital each month for several years because I think it is an important resource for Seattle. My children listen to the same radio station with me and yesterday, my oldest daughter was listening and came to ask me if she could call in and donate some of her own money. She pulled out 5.00 in cash of her money and called in. I was very proud of her. She has never needed to go to Children's Hospital and she doesn't know anyone who has been there either. I let her make the call and donate her money because I think it is important that my kids understand that even if someone doesn't have a lot of money, they can still make a difference.

My husband has decided to participate in the Big Climb again this year. It is a race up the Columbia Center which is 69 flights of stairs. This particular event benefits Lymphoma and Leukemia. Once again, we have been lucky to not be directly affected by either one of these but I am proud that he is supporting this cause.

http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/BigClimb?px=1092408&pg=personal&fr_id=1040&et=hpjivP8JbJ_CoqvM6zhSIw..&s_tafId=3720
I think having been diagnosed with any type of cancer has made my family realize that ALL cancers should go away. It is very difficult road for an adult to go through chemo and radiation and I think my kids realize how very difficult it must be for a child to go through. I'm proud that after going through a very grueling year of our own, my family still wants to give to others.

No Smoking

Yesterday as I was walking to get my lunch, I saw a group of teenagers smoking. Here in Seattle, smoking is probably less prevalent than other places and maybe having grown up here I am less tolerant about it. It makes me sad and angry to see it.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had to take a good look at what my risk factors were and found that I really didn't have many. I did not start menstruating early, I don't have any family history, I have never smoked, I have since found out that I do not carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, I am not obese and though I had my children a little later (32 and 33), it doesn't increase my risk significantly. So with very few risk factors (can't change the fact that I am female for instance), I still was one of the unfortunate ones to be diagnosed with cancer.

Having cancer is not fun in any way, shape or form. It is not fun to go through chemo or radiation, surgery or hair loss, not to mention the emotional turmoil and the possibility of death. It is miserable and I want to shout it at the people that I see smoking. "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!!!"

We all have a certain amount of risk factors, some we can change and some we can't. But smoking is a KNOWN cause of cancer. Not suspected; known. You smoke, you get cancer.

A few things I found on smoking and risk:

"Among male cigarette smokers, the risk of lung cancer is more than 2,000 percent higher than among male nonsmokers; for women, the risks were approximately 1,200 percent greater. Lung cancer is the single largest cause of cancer mortality among both men and women and accounts for more than one in every four cancer deaths nationally in the U.S."

"In all, it is estimated that cigarette smoking causes approximately 23 percent of all cancer deaths in women, and is responsible for 42 percent of all male cancer deaths (Shopland et al., 1991)"

Specific to breast cancer risk, teens who smoke are more likely to develop breast cancer before menopause and are more likely to be diagnosed with aggressive, hormone receptor-negative type breast cancer.

Every time I see a teenager smoking and am with my children, I tell them again that they will NEVER smoke. I will not allow it. I will not tell my girls that they can try it, that it is ok to do in moderation or only once. I will not tell them to use their own judgment. I will tell them that under no circumstances will they smoke. I hope and pray that having watched me go through cancer they will never even be tempted.

Long Term Contract

Now that we are officially into the new year of 2009, people are talking about New Year's resolutions. I actually don't like New Year's resolutions. They feel like a short term contract to me. If you are going to make a plan, make it a long term contract or what is the point?

In looking ahead to this year and many more, here is where my long term contract begins with myself:

1) I will take care of myself. I will make exercise a part of my life and will be mindful of what I put into my body. I will remember that I am worth the effort it takes to be a healthy person.

2) I will make time for fun. Sometimes I forget that fun and laughter are important things. It is easy for me to get involved in my day to day life, complete with stress and worries, but those aren't the times I remember. It is the fun times that I remember and treasure.

3) I will live a broader life. I have a small family, a small group of friends, I live in a small town and I have been content in this place for a long time. My cancer diagnosis has helped me to realize that there is a much bigger world out there that I can reach out and touch. This doesn't mean I'm not happy in my life, I am...I just want to broaden it and continue to learn.

4) I will write. Writing has become something that I very much enjoy doing and I will find a way to continue doing it. I have two ideas for books that I would like to start tackling this year. What I know about writing or publishing books is exactly zero, but if I want to do it, I must put it out in the universe so I can learn.

5) I will work at a job that I love. What a chaotic year it has been for employment for us. I will work at WaMu until March and then I will have the opportunity to find a job that I love. For the most part, I enjoy working. I like being part of something bigger than me and I like bringing value. I have skills and I like being good at something. I also like having the flexibility to have my job be a part of my life-not my whole life.

6) I will raise money towards cancer. Cancer is a miserable disease and it breaks my heart every time I hear of someone who has been diagnosed or has lost their battle. It just has to go away and that is all there is to it. I have to do my part to make it go away.

7) I will treasure my friends and family. They are the reason why I got in the ring to duke it out with cancer. They are what gave me the strength to keep doing it.

8) I will continue to raise amazing children. I almost think they could do this on their own. This is the nature vs nurture argument. Is it the parents that help to make the children great, or do they just come out that way? I think Larry and I are good parents, but we lucked out in the kid department! Our kids are amazing and I am in awe of them every day.

9) I will be thankful.

10) To be continued....

Songs of Joy

Darci is in the choir at her elementary school and today they sang holiday songs for the senior citizens at our local community center. I spent most of the time watching the audience for their reaction to 125 kids singing for them. I have to applaud Debbie Folkerts the music teacher for her selections. I could see that all of the seniors were touched in some way by one or more of the songs.

They sang a fun reindeer song first to get the crowd going. Then a Hannukah song with Hava Nagila. I love the way the words in this song just slide over the notes. I saw several people singing along with this one and was so proud of the kids that they were able to represent beliefs that may or may not be their own. They also sang a Kwaanza song celebrating this African American holiday.

They sang a swinging holiday song that had many toes tapping. They finished with a couple of classics, Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. When they finished, all 125 of them went out into the audience to wish the seniors Happy Holidays. It was a joy to watch their reactions as they were completely engulfed in a sea of kids.

I had to think that this is what it is all about. These people have undoubtedly had ups and downs in their lives. I'm sure they have grieved and suffered and had joy and celebrations. In the end, it is the experiences that bring us joy that we remember. What I saw on each of their faces was joy and wonder-125 kids strong.

5 Reasons

Last May when I was diagnosed, my friend Mindy asked me if I would like to participate in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. As it happened, it was the same week as my surgery so I couldn't participate. And to be honest, my head just wasn't in it. I was reeling from the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't really think past the fact that I could lose my life and that I was in for a fight.

I had friends who participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day in September as well. It just so happened that the timing of the 3 day began on the day after my last round of chemo. Once again I couldn't participate and to be perfectly honest, I was pretty engrossed in my own battle. I wasn't ready to take on anyone else's.

Now that I can look in the rear view mirror a bit and distance myself from the shock of being diagnosed and the physical demands of going through therapy, I find myself wanting to do what I can to participate in the larger fight against cancer, not just my own.

There are many reasons for wanting to do this. Part of it is selfish. I want to find a cure for breast cancer so I don't have to go through it again. Part of it is more altruistic-I don't want ANYONE to have to be diagnosed with ANY kind of cancer.

I have just signed up for the Relay for Life on Mindy's team for 2009 and will plan to participate in the 3 day in September as well. My reasons? See the beautiful girls above? My two daughters and my three nieces. I never, ever, ever want them to hear those words that I heard. You have cancer.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TRC/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GW?pg=peditor&fr_id=15243&px=8683152

Chasing Dreams

My kids always ask me what I wanted to be when I was younger. I tell them two things. I wanted to be an astronaut so I could be the first woman on the moon and I wanted to be a mother. Obviously the first part didn't work out very well as I have not been to the moon, but the other part has worked out quite well since I have two really great children and I very much enjoy being their mother.

Cailey is in middle school this year and last year was nominated by her music teacher to be in the honor choir at the middle school. Cailey has loved singing since she could talk and has always said she wants to be a singer. She has a beautiful voice and can be heard singing at any time during the day-in the shower, in her bedroom, in the car. On Thursday we had the chance to see the first concert at the middle school that included the honor choir. There are only a handful of them and many of them, Cailey included, have auditioned to be in the All-State choir. I hope she makes it. She is talented and passionate and it is what she wants most. We were incredibly proud to be watching her up on the stage doing exactly what she loves.

I have heard sad news over the last 2 weeks about 3 women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Two of them are people that I know through other friends and one is someone who I don't know, but have friends who know her. I have told all of the friends to have these women contact me if they need any kind of support or help. I hope to be able to help them through their journey just as people have helped me through mine. All three of these women have young children. Fighting cancer is a very difficult path, but I know that all three of these women will do it. They will do it for the same reason that I do. Because we want to watch our children chase their dreams. They show us how to do it and remind us that dreams are worth having. They will do it so they can chase their own dreams as well.

September

I love September. It is one of my favorite months. Not only does it usually end up being one of the nicest months of weather in Seattle, we get just a tiny hint of fall with some of the leaves starting to change and the weather getting just a little crisp in the morning and evenings.

September is also the time when I get to fill up my calendar. I get all of the dates for school functions, girl scouts, soccer games and practice, choir concerts and school breaks. Since I am definitely a planner, this type of fullness in my calendar makes me feel secure and happy.

The coming of September is just what I needed to feel like I am getting my life back. I spent the afternoon putting all of the school, soccer and girl scout dates on my calendar. It is what I do every September and it feels good to have this one be no different than any other despite being in treatment for cancer. I like organizing my family's days. It makes me feel needed and part of something larger than myself.

Larry has been out of town for work all week long and it has just been the girls and I. He has done such a great job of taking care of us that we all stood around with a blank look on our face the first day that he was gone. But then, even though I wasn't feeling well and Cailey wasn't feeling well, we picked ourselves up by our boot straps and took care of each other. We had to make sure all of us were fed and clean, got ourselves to appointments and we even had to do laundry and take out the garbage! Who knew that was what it was going to take to get that precious glimpse of getting my life back? Just a tiny slice of normal. My kids needed me and I needed them and we did it!

We can't wait for Larry to come home but it is nice to know that slowly but surely, I am getting my life back.

I Want My Life Back!

That's just all there is to it. I want my life back. I am tired of cancer being the center of my whole life. I am tired of not being able to take care of my family, I am tired of not being able to go out and have fun. I have spent the last 48 hours in bed feeling miserable. Not only have I been feeling miserable, but now Cailey has strep throat and not only can I not take care of her, I can't even go near her.

The thing I have wanted most in my whole life is to be a mother. I have the greatest children on the planet. They are sweet and brave and smart and beautiful and compassionate and understanding. And I can't go near them right now. I have not once said that it isn't fair that I have cancer. I have not once said, "Why me?". I don't know why it is me and life is definitely not fair, but I want to take care of my children. I want their needs to be important right now. I don't want everything they are going through to take a back seat to something as greedy and evil as cancer. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

75%

Yesterday was chemo round 3 and as usual, I feel just slightly hung-over this morning, but so far so good. I had two good friends join me yesterday, Angie and Inga. It is a great excuse to be able to see friends that I don't get to see very often. It makes what would be a very boring day into a nice afternoon visit

I am now 75% done with chemo! I have high hopes that this round will be similar to the second round and pretty easy to get through. I am trying to do everything exactly the same as last time in the hopes that a ritual is exactly what I need. I am going to see the acupuncturist this afternoon and am hoping for the same results.

It has been an interesting week for care taking around here. Darci ended up with Strep throat while she was in Denver so she needed a little extra care when she came home (she is completely back at 100% now). Cailey got braces on Monday and a headgear so she has been needing some extra care this week with a very sore mouth and a limited amount of food that she can eat. I think she thought it would be great to eat ice cream and jello all day, but it is not proving to be as fun as she thought.

And now in a day or so it will be my turn. I should probably feel ok until about Saturday and then once again will rely on my family to take care of me. I have realized that somewhere along the line we have raised very compassionate children. They take care of each other and are willing to take care of me as well. They get it-they understand that it isn't fun and it isn't my first choice of how to spend my weekend, but that it is necessary.

So we will all take care of each other and we will all make it through

God's humor

God certainly has a strange sense of humor. I have had so many people tell me that they wish they could do more and that they don't always know how to help. I have told everyone to not worry because I appreciate what they can do and everyone has different gifts to share.

I sent my children to Denver to stay with friends this week, a trip that the girls have been looking forward to all summer. I got a call from them yesterday telling me that Darci is sick. She tends to be sick to her stomach any time she has a fever and sure enough, this is what happened. She was sick twice yesterday and now has a fever, a cough and a sore throat. I can hear her trying not to cry when I talk to her and I know she doesn't like being sick away from home.

I have never had either one of my kids away from me when they are sick. I feel so helpless! I can talk to her and tell her it will be OK and to rest and drink fluids, blah, blah, blah. But I can't hold her and I can't make her feel better. I hate it! I have complete faith that my friends will take care of her and give her lots of love, but I am her mother and it hurts me to not be able to take care of her myself. I am helpless and I don't like it one bit.

One Little Angel

I find comfort in being prepared and having some kind of plan so I decided I would go out and look for wigs. I want to have a human hair wig instead of synthetic and wanted to have someone cut it for me so that it is closer to my style.

Human hair wigs are much nicer than I thought they would be. They feel good, they look good and you can style them like you would your own hair. But they are EXPENSIVE! $1600.00-$3200.00 for the ones that I found. I almost fainted on the spot. I did not purchase one and am going to continue to look for other options.

I came home quite discouraged because nothing with cancer is as easy as I would like it to be. I wanted to just go out, find a wig I liked, buy a couple so I would have options and that would be the end of it. But, it was not to be.

Some days are harder than others and yesterday was definitely one of them.

I have always thought that once you have children, you can't ever entertain the idea of not believing in God. They are little miracles and mine bring me more joy than anything else in the world. I am blessed to just have them in my life. So imagine my surprise when Darci (my youngest daughter) tells me that she wants to continue to grow her hair so that she can donate it. Not just to anyone, but to me. She has been trying to grow her hair out for a couple of years. She has beautiful thick brown hair that is just a shade lighter than mine. She came up with this completely on her own and hadn't heard me talk about my discouragement with wigs. I'm stunned....and proud....and more madly in love with my children than ever before.

So, together with my other daughter, we have made a plan. Darci's hair is not quite long enough to donate while still leaving her with a length she will be happy with. I will start losing my hair about 2 weeks after my first round of chemo. I have made an appointment on July 25th to have my head shaved. I will buy a wig to wear for the couple of months that I am going through chemo and then in September, we will cut Darci's hair and take it to this man in Bellevue who makes wigs out of your own (or in this case, your daughter's) hair. I will wear my daughter's hair as mine begins to grow out.

I am amazed and proud of the selfless, beautiful, wonderful girls that I am raising. My little angels!