Panic, unbidden

Clearly, based on the fact that I have not posted in over a month, I have started moving on with my regularly scheduled life.  I have been feeling pretty good.  My energy is great, my health is good, my hair is back.  Things are back to "normal".

That is exactly how I was feeling yesterday when I was waiting in the doctors office for my mammogram.  Mammograms and MRI's are just part of my life now and this is the one that was scheduled 18 months after I finished all of my treatment.  I flipped through magazines, checked my phone, thought about  my lunch date afterwards.  I was not worried at all.  After all, I just had an MRI in January and everything looked good.

I went in and was squished and squashed and then sent back to the waiting room so that I could review the films with the doctor.  I waited and waited and waited.  As all the other women in the waiting room went in and out I started to feel just the slightest bit of apprehension.  Finally when no one else was left in the waiting room, the technician came in and said the doctor would like me to do more films. 

I burst into tears.  I had no idea how close to the surface that fear was.  I really thought that I was feeling OK with my health and that I had put a damper on that constant fear of a recurrence, but obviously I had not.  We went back to do more films and I cried through the whole thing.  Then I went back to the waiting room to hear my fate.

The tech again came in to get me and said that the doctor would like to do an ultrasound.  Before I could stop it a four letter word came out of my mouth and then once again-burst into tears.  I just started feeling normal.  I don't want to deal with cancer again.  I don't want abnormal mammograms or ultrasounds.  I just want to be healthy.

The doctor actually did the ultrasound and was very, very thorough.  The first thing she said to me was "don't panic".  Too late!  Panic was the only thing that I had to hold on to and unfortunately it had an iron grip.  I cried through the entire ultrasound.  At long last she showed me what she was looking at, a small spot in my left breast just above and behind the surgery markers that were left there from my lumpectomy.  She does NOT think it is cancer.  She thinks it is fat necrosis (the death of fat cells basically) from a place that wasn't getting enough blood supply from my last surgery.  I have never in my life thought that I would be happy to hear anything about my body regarding fat.  "Fat?"  Yes, she explained, it is just a piece of tissue that isn't getting enough blood supply so it is dying.  Fat turns into a solid and eventually will turn into an oil just like any other fat and be absorbed by my body. 

They will keep an eye on it, but she said if she had ANY inclination that it was cancer, she would be doing a biopsy immediately.  While I hated every single second of that appointment, I am glad that they are thorough.  I don't want any surprises.  I am also glad that the doctor was so patient in explaining everything to me. 

I left the clinic a weepy, shaking, relieved mess and sped off to my lunch date for which I was now late.  Credit given to my good friend Annie who immediately declared I needed a margarita given the morning I had just had.  She bought me a drink at lunch (something I NEVER do) and a nice lunch and we got to have our nice, "normal" lunch-without panic..   

Normal Breathing

Last week was preventative maintenance week and I had my follow up with my oncologist, blood work, zometa, an MRI and a bone density scan.  All of this is part of my continuing plan to make sure I remain healthy. 

I know all of this and am thankful that I have the opportunity to have good health care, but there is a certain amount of anxiety that goes with all of these tests.  There is always the possibility that something will come back as suspicious.  Because I don't get any of the results immediately, this generally means a few days of concern.  There is just always something in the back of my mind reminding me that the possibility of a recurrence is there.  I feel like I breathe a little shallower and walk a little quieter so as to not wake up any demons that might be sleeping inside.

Yesterday I got a call from my oncologists nurse telling me that not only is my bone density holding up, but my MRI came back perfectly normal as did all of my lab work.  I took my first normal breath of the week.

Thank you God.

Holiday Cheer or no Cheer

It is the holiday season with families gathering all over the world to share food, drink, love and more. I love this time of year and love the cheer that goes along with it. However, since my diagnosis, I have been more cautious about the cheer that I partake in.

I gave up sugar and sugar substitutes and all forms of corn syrup immediately after I was diagnosed and have stuck with that. This makes some of the holiday gatherings more challenging, but doesn't really bother me to not partake in the cookies, candy and pies. (OK, in full disclosure, I do drool over the Starbucks counter looking at the Cranberry Bliss bars which are only available this time of year and I definitely take a second glance at my mother-in-law's homemade almond roca!)

I have never been much of a drinker, only drinking in social situations, but I have dropped that considerably since my diagnosis as well and probably have 1 drink a week. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a margarita or a good glass of wine just as much as anyone else, it just isn't worth the increased risk of a recurrence for me.

Now there is a new study out connecting alcohol consumption with breast cancer recurrences. Studies are only studies and I know scientists can read whatever they would like into them, but this one says that with women who have already been diagnosed with breast cancer that drinking can increase their chances of a recurrence significantly. Since I have been doing everything I can to decrease my chances of a recurrence, I think I will be finding more joy in family and friends and maybe a little less in a glass.