Measuring a Year

What a difference a year makes.  After being diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2008, everything became about cancer.  I spent the year in surgeries, doing chemo and radiation and with fear as my constant companion.  2008 brought other things as well.  Amazing support from friends and family, a newfound appreciation for good health care, a new depth of knowledge about my own health and my own strength.

If 2008 was my year of living with cancer, 2009 was my year of living without it.  I wish I could say that after finishing treatment that I went back to my normal life, but that isn't really true.  Cancer doesn't really go away.  It is something I think about every single day.  In 2009, I got to figure out what living without cancer is like.

In 2009 my friendships were different than they were in 2008.  Not better or worse, just different.  I was reminded that everyone has challenges and joys in their life and I get to participate in those.  In 2008 I knew this, but couldn't give my attention to it.

My world became broader.  This year I did 2 radio interviews, a television interview, wrote a newspaper article and was interviewed for an article.  I participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk.   I had the pleasure of meeting an entire group of breast cancer survivors from around the counry.  I got to be part of the world in a bigger way than I had before. 

I am now an expert in something I never wanted to be an expert in; cancer.  I wish I could say that I didn't know anyone else who had been diagnosed, but that is not the case.  Though I am incredibly sorry that more women have been diagnosed, I am glad that I can provide some help and support based on my own experience. 

I have been unemployed since March.  While this has caused a good amount of stress financially and  my confidence sometimes takes a hit, I am grateful every day for the opportunity to spend time with my family.  I don't think I would have had the same level of appreciation for it had the prior year not been consumed by cancer. 

I have aches and pains.  Every ache and pain causes me concern.  It is very difficult to convince myself that every pain isn't cancer.  But I am remembering what it is like to have aches and pains that are part of being human.

In 2008 I measured my year in treatments and surgeries and how it was affected by cancer.  In 2009 I had to find another way to measure.  My favorite musical of all time is Rent.  My favorite song and the one that brings me to tears every time I see it is Seasons of Love.  How do you measure a year?  How about love.

Seasons of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It�s time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Lucky 13

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Since I started writing this blog, I have never had trouble coming up with what to say to express my feelings, but somehow trying to find the right words to express how I feel about my marriage is proving difficult. Not because the feelings are difficult, but because the words seem rather trite. I could write about how we met, or the day we were married. I could write about the ups and downs that go with any marriage or the lessons we have learned over the last 13 years. I could write about how incredibly fabulous my husband has been through the entire cancer journey or how he loved me through baldness, scars, chemo, surgery and plenty of tears. I could certainly write about how much I love him.

But maybe the best way is this picture. I had to go back 3 years to find a picture of Larry and I. This particular picture was a picture of us at my birthday in 2006. Larry is rarely in our family pictures because he is always the one taking the pictures. He is always the one being proud of me or of the girls. He is the one being supportive. He is the one who takes hundreds of soccer pictures. He is the one who let me cry in his lap after every single chemo. He is the only one I spoke to of being afraid to die and leave my children. He is the one who does all the little things like making sure we have batteries in the house and oil in the car. He is the one who is proud to go to work every day because it allows him to support his family. He is the one who stands with all of us through everything.

He is the one.

The Stockings are Hung

It is Christmas Eve and everything is ready. The stockings are hung, the Christmas trees are done, the presents are wrapped. We have told the girls that they cannot get out of bed before 7:00am. We'll see how that works.

I have had a difficult time figuring out what to give to Larry for Christmas. It was no problem for me to find gifts for the girls, but have chosen and discarded several ideas for my husband. In part, it is because he is difficult to buy for. If he wants something, he buys it. He doesn't wait for birthdays or holidays. Mostly though, I can't possibly come up with anything that feels adequate. What do you buy someone who stands by you while battle cancer; a tie? A coffee mug? A flat screen?

As with other marriages, ours has had its ups and downs. It has not been a perfect marriage and has taken work. If you would have asked me 16 years ago when I met him if he would have been the best person standing by me should I ever have to go through a battle as serious as cancer, I'm not sure what I would have said.

But he was the best person. He didn't come in like a knight in shining armour and take over. He didn't talk to my doctors or try to make decisions for me. He didn't treat me like I wasn't able to make my own decisions. What he did was allow me to be strong and make my own decisions and he stood by each and every one. On those days that I ran out of strength (and they were many) he gave me his. He remained rock solid for the girls and for me. He did not waiver in his determination to keep our life as normal as possible. What he did was allow me to fight cancer in my own way but stood behind me the entire time in case I should falter.

He has told me many times that he wishes he could take the cancer for me and be the person who was sick. While I know this comes from a place of love, I wouldn't give it to him. I could never be the watcher. I am a terrible back seat driver and am too much of a control freak to not be in charge. I could not do what he has done. I think it takes more courage and strength to be the person who has to stand by someone than it is to be the person who takes the action.

What I have learned is that I love my husband without a doubt-and he loves me the same way. We are the right people for each other. He is someone that I am grateful to have in my life. I am proud of him and I am proud of us. We are a very powerful team. We are raising amazing children and in the face of something pretty devastating, we know how to stand by each other.

So does Larry have presents under the tree? Of course he does. But none of them will ever be adequate enough to thank him for what he has done for me this year. None of them will be good enough to explain to him how very much I love him and how glad I am that I married him.

May your Christmas bring you the kind of love that I have and may you feel blessed in whatever gifts come your way. I know what my gifts are and they don't come in a box.

The Power of Words

I love this time of year when I get to hear from all of the people that I love. Christmas cards come in the mail almost every day and I display them in my kitchen where I can see them every day.

This year I had to take down other cards to put up my Christmas cards. Cards of love and support from friends and family as I have gone through this breast cancer journey. There is power in words. Some make me smile or laugh. Some make me cry. These are some of the words that I find in these cards that have helped me through....

We hope you are feeling better...To let you know you're thought of every day....Be well my friend....Rest, Relax, Recover....You are amazing...Keep your great positive attitude and you will be on to better things soon....If you need to lean awhile, we're here....We think you are beautiful on the inside and out....Our wishes go out to the universe to heal and comfort you....I have a million words and no words at all...You are very special to me....You are surrounded by love and support....We're with you every step....You are so dear to all of us.....It is a long process and you are on your way....In the tough times now and ahead, be sure in your family and friends.....You are spirited, you are strong...You are an amazing woman....Remember I am here to share the rainy times too....Hang in there....Pretend I am with you, because in my heart, I am....We are adding our strength to yours......Wishing you strength, peace and courage....I'm so proud of you....Be strong....Be the hero, that's you.....One day at a time....I'm here for you....Today is a better day....You're a fighter, a survivor and a believer.....I'll always be here for you....Hope every day is better....You are fabulous....Whatever it takes....I'll be rooting for you.....

Our thoughts are with you....My thoughts....You are in our thoughts....thinking of you...Good thoughts....Our prayers are with you....We pray....I am praying....Our prayers...We love you....I love you....Love you....Lovingly....Love....Love....Love.

And this quote which I thought said so much.

"In this world, there is no force equal to the strength of a woman determined to rise."

In Good Times and Bad

Tomorrow I go in for chemo round 2. I am not looking forward to it, but again am prepared as possible. I have spoken to my oncologist, a dietician and have an appointment for acupuncture to try to prevent some of the pain. I have written down all of the drugs that I need to take and bought some of the foods that have been recommended to me. I don't know what else I can do.
The most important thing that I have though is support. My family is ready too. They are prepared to play the next week and a half by ear and let me feel bad or good or whatever happens. They are a gift and I love them.

I am including pictures here from head shaving day because I think they tell the story of the support that I have from my family. When I am feeling miserable and nothing that anyone says can make me feel better, I will remember these pictures and know that they are with me no matter what. And I will remember that in the midst of a time that has been very difficult, nothing can change the fact that I am blessed and that they are the reason why I will do whatever I have to do.

In the beginning....
Emotional for all....
Strong Girls.....
Tough Day.......
Family Acceptance.....

Love

Wednesday was Darci's birthday. but it felt like mine. My friend Michelle came over and gave me a card with a substantial amount of money to use to purchase a wig. The card was signed by over 20 people who contributed. I cried immediately when I read it, and have cried every day since, as has Larry.

I cried for so many reasons. I was overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family, I was overwhelmed with relief that something that has been causing me a great deal of emotional stress is now going to be substantially easier. I cried with disbelief that so many who have given and done so much already could reach inside themselves and give even more. I cried because I have always been extremely independent and have never accepted anything like this from anyone. But mostly I cried because I just didn't know.

I have spent a good portion of my life feeling I didn't quite belong. Like I was on the outside looking in. Like I had to make it on my own. Like I would be weak if I had to rely on anyone else.

I didn't know that there was that much love in the world for me and for my family. Larry didn't know either. We are overwhelmed with gratitude and love.

To those of you have supported us in the wig fund or in any other way, and those of you who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers, thank you for showing me in no uncertain terms that I am loved and that my family is loved. I just didn't know.