A Question of DNA

The girls are on their Mid-Winter break and we took the opportunity to find some sunshine.  My parents have a condo in Palm Desert, California and they graciously allowed us to use it for the week.  They have owned the condo for about 5 years, but this is the first time that the timing has worked out for us to use it. 

It is, of course, beautiful.  It doesn't surprise me at all that the condo is done to perfection and looks like it came straight out of a showroom.  My mother has always had beautiful taste and an eye for decorating.  She also takes great pride in having her home meticulously neat and tidy.  I am in awe of the work that she has done and the comfortable way it feels.

My mother, my sister, my grandmother and my aunt all have these same characteristics.  They all have beautiful homes and have a knack for things.  I don't have it.  I would like to think I do, but the fact is I really don't.  I know what I like and what I don't like as far as decorating, but I don't have the first clue of how to put it all together.  "Things" start to feel like clutter to me in my own home and instead of adding to the feel of the decor, they begin to feel like something else that collects dust.  It's not that I don't care what my home looks like, I do care.  I just don't know how to make it look the way I want to.

I imagine it is a question of DNA or maybe environment.  Maybe my mother got it from my grandmother and my sister got it from my mother.  So what happened to me?  How does DNA work?  If my sister and I come from the same gene pool, why don't we get the same characteristics?

The same can be said for having cancer.  Neither my mother, my sister, my aunt or my grandmother have been diagnosed with cancer, thank God, but I have.  Is it something in my DNA?  Is it something in my environment?  What is it? 

I feel like I need to figure it out because as much as I would like to have the taste that the women in my family have and be able to pass it on to my daughters, I am more concerned that what I might be passing on to my daughters is much more sinister. 

I don't want my daughters to ever have cancer.  I sincerely hope that in the way that I missed the decorating gene, they will miss the cancer gene.  I hope they have beautifully decorated homes and an appreciation for things-all while they are cancer free.

Measuring a Year

What a difference a year makes.  After being diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2008, everything became about cancer.  I spent the year in surgeries, doing chemo and radiation and with fear as my constant companion.  2008 brought other things as well.  Amazing support from friends and family, a newfound appreciation for good health care, a new depth of knowledge about my own health and my own strength.

If 2008 was my year of living with cancer, 2009 was my year of living without it.  I wish I could say that after finishing treatment that I went back to my normal life, but that isn't really true.  Cancer doesn't really go away.  It is something I think about every single day.  In 2009, I got to figure out what living without cancer is like.

In 2009 my friendships were different than they were in 2008.  Not better or worse, just different.  I was reminded that everyone has challenges and joys in their life and I get to participate in those.  In 2008 I knew this, but couldn't give my attention to it.

My world became broader.  This year I did 2 radio interviews, a television interview, wrote a newspaper article and was interviewed for an article.  I participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk.   I had the pleasure of meeting an entire group of breast cancer survivors from around the counry.  I got to be part of the world in a bigger way than I had before. 

I am now an expert in something I never wanted to be an expert in; cancer.  I wish I could say that I didn't know anyone else who had been diagnosed, but that is not the case.  Though I am incredibly sorry that more women have been diagnosed, I am glad that I can provide some help and support based on my own experience. 

I have been unemployed since March.  While this has caused a good amount of stress financially and  my confidence sometimes takes a hit, I am grateful every day for the opportunity to spend time with my family.  I don't think I would have had the same level of appreciation for it had the prior year not been consumed by cancer. 

I have aches and pains.  Every ache and pain causes me concern.  It is very difficult to convince myself that every pain isn't cancer.  But I am remembering what it is like to have aches and pains that are part of being human.

In 2008 I measured my year in treatments and surgeries and how it was affected by cancer.  In 2009 I had to find another way to measure.  My favorite musical of all time is Rent.  My favorite song and the one that brings me to tears every time I see it is Seasons of Love.  How do you measure a year?  How about love.

Seasons of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It�s time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Holiday Happiness and Angels

I can't believe that I didn't post on Christmas!  I guess everything just got busy and it went by the wayside.  The holidays have been great for our family.  We were able to spend great time with the girls, with my family and even with friends.  I finished all of my shopping and wrapping early so I even had some stress-free days when everyone else was running around like crazy people.

As always, I am grateful and happy to have good health for me and my family, but have been saddened by several events over the last couple of weeks.

First, I was upset to hear that a friend and former colleague has been diagnosed with breast and lung cancer.  Her family support position is not ideal and even though I know she is as tough as they come, I can't help but worry that she will at times feel alone in her journey.  I think about her every day, knowing that she has good medical care and lots of friends who care about her and hoping she will find the strength wherever she can. 

My sister gave birth to her first daughter on December 22nd of 2003.  She was born prematurely and lived only a few short hours making it into December 23rd by just a hair.  I was with her when she was born and stayed until her last breath.  Every December 22nd there are tears remembering her sweet little face and the injustice of her death.

This year my cousin Jeff went through something similar, losing their beautiful baby girl just days before she was due to be born.  On December 23rd, I received a package in the mail with a lovely photo tribute to their sweet baby girl.  Again, the injustice of a life not lived brings me to tears and the wrenching words of the grieving parents nearly caused a complete breakdown on my part.

My Great Uncle came to our holiday open house this year.  His first Christmas since my Great Aunt Mae passed away.  They were together for some 60+ years.  Though I was very happy to see my Uncle, seeing him tear up throughout the evening was heartwrenching.  Though she lived a long and happy life, it was not for her that I was sad this year, it was for those she left behind.

My holidays were happy, but with that happiness comes a bit of melancholy as well.

Sugarplums

The children were nestled all snug in their beds... Oh wait, wrong holiday! Well the children actually are all snug in their beds and the house is quiet. Tomorrow all the craziness of the holidays will begin in earnest and there will be family and food and festivities.

But I will take these few quiet moments to be thankful. I will be thankful for my wonderful husband, my fabulous family and friends and the little sugarplums who are asleep upstairs. But more than anything else, I am thankful to be here, healthy and happy and cancer-free.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Aging Gracefully?

I had the chance to go on a field trip for my niece today with my sister and the babies. I haven't been on a pre-school field trip for a long time so it was very fun to be around a bunch of excited 4 year olds. As we were walking out, my niece's teacher says to another little girl-"Go ahead and follow Ellie's grandma" meaning me. Ummm.....Grandma?? Ouch.

When you are told that you are going to have to have chemo and lose your hair, there is a certain amount of vanity that you have to let go of and deal with the fact that you are not going to look the same as you did before. But here's the thing...I wasn't thrilled to lose my hair at all, but once I did, I was actually pretty happy with my head and how I looked. I felt like all through chemo, besides looking a bit pale, I was looking OK.

Now that my hair is growing back and I am healthy, I have been under the illusion that I was looking pretty good. I am 44, I have decent skin with not very much wrinkling, dark brown hair-no gray, I am relatively fit. I don't wear mom jeans, I try to stay up on fashion. I mean really....grandma?? Not that there aren't 44 year old grandmas, there are, but hopefully none of them have children that are my sister's age.

My sister is 39 years old which means if this woman truly thought I was her mother, then she thought I was at least 59, 60? My own mother is a very young looking 65 and my grandmother is a very young looking 85. While they are both lovely and young looking, I'm not entirely sure I want to be thought of as the same age. And while my sister is beautiful and wonderful, I can't in all honesty say I would mistake her for someone who is 23 or 24 with a 44 year old mother.

Have I just been so happy to be healthy that I didn't realize that I look much older than I am? Did I really go from looking 43 before diagnosis to looking 59 after?? What a blow to the ego that is. Now what? I guess I need to start taking a hard look at how I appear to other people and what I am doing to stay healthy. Or maybe I just say this woman is not especially observant and clearly spends too much time around 3 and 4 year olds. Maybe I just shoot daggers at her until she realizes that not only am I only 44 years old, I am still young enough to take her out in the parking lot and teach her a lesson!

Broken Hearted

My cousin Jeff and his lovely wife Rachel lost their beautiful baby girl this week before they even had a chance to know her. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Rest in peace sweet girl.

Reflections on a Walk

Well I did it. I completed this year's Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk. I have not had any type of shoes on except for flip flops since Sunday and have taken advantage of a quiet house to put my feet up and recuperate.

The organization provides cheering locations so that friends and family can come and cheer the walkers on. On Day 2 my wonderful husband and children waited 4 hours just so they could cheer me on. I started to cry as soon as I saw them running to me. After the initial hugging and hello's, my youngest daughter asked me if I was going to do it again next year. A bit like asking someone who is in labor if they are going to have more children, but here are my thoughts on that question:

Cons of the walk:

-9 long months of fund-raising
-9 long months of training
-3 full days away from my family
-1 very large time commitment
-Sunburned cheeks
-Sore muscles
-Several (and I do mean several) trips to the medical tent
-Loss of one toenail
-Blisters
-Blisters
-Blisters

While the first day was full of emotion and uplifting spirit, by the second day I was seriously wondering who had come up with this cruel and unusual punishment. Several blisters decided to make an appearance and each and every step of the 21.6 miles that were included in the second day were painful. My good humor and positive attitude were diminishing quickly. When I saw a sign that said "No Whining" I had to quit talking because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Pros of the Walk

-Being part of the opening and closing ceremonies
-Meeting other survivors
-Seeing the amazing dedication of the walkers
-Being part of a truly inspiring team
-Walking with my sister who means the world to me
-Walking with my friend Matt, one of the finest people on the planet
-Being pampered and spoiled by the entire 3 day crew from the people helping us cross streets to the angels disguised as medical volunteers in the medical tents
-Looking out into the crowd during opening and closing ceremonies and seeing the smiles and the tears of my teammates, friends and family
-Seeing the incredible community support in the way of stickers, water, cheers, food (and more food)
-Feeling supported in every way
-Raising over 8200.00 personally
-Raising over 137,000.00 as a team
-Raising over 5.5 million as a community

I had a couple of defining moments throughout the walk that I wasn't expecting.

1. On day 2 when my feet were well past cooperating and it was 86 degrees and I didn't know if I could take another step, a stranger stepped off of the sidelines and asked if he could throw away my garbage-a cup that I was carrying. I teared up because someone who didn't know anything about me was willing to do something as menial as throw my garbage out for me so that I could continue putting one foot in front of another.

2. At the end of day 2 when we had 2 miles left to go, I realized that I just couldn't do it. I thought that I wanted to complete the entire 60 miles without having to take one of the many shuttle vans that were available. I took the van for the last 2 miles and realized that I didn't feel an ounce of guilt about it. There is nothing heroic in torturing myself. I realized that my success was not defined by the ability to walk 60 miles, nor was it defined by doing it in the fastest time possible. It was defined by the fact that I raised money for a cause that is immensely important to me.

3. On day 3 I saw a small pink sign stuck in the grass of someone's yard that gave me the reason why it was all worth it. It said this:

My Grandma thanks you for walking
Stage 4
Still Fighting

So will I do it again? My feet will pipe up with a resounding "NO!" but my head and heart will supercede my feet and say yes. There is still work to be done. People are still being diagnosed with cancer every day. 1 in 8 women. That is just too many. I will sign up for 2010 and do it all again-hopefully without blisters.

Thank you to my Grandma, my cousin Dale, friends Mary Kay, Annie, Jill, Paul, Tara, Robert, Marcia, Terry, Tristi, Shannon, Mike, Bailey, Kylie, Connor, Taryn, Jim, Heidi, Grace (and Coco), my husband and my daughters for coming out to cheer us on. Can I count on you again next year??

Why Worry?

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same"

My sister is doing the 3 day walk with me in September. Though she is looking forward to it, she is very worried. She was concerned that she wouldn't be able to raise 2300.00-she has. Now she is concerned that she won't be able to complete the walk. She told me recently that she is having those pre-wedding type dreams where you arrive completely unprepared.

We had someone who has walked in the event before tell us that it was the best 3 days of her life and the worst 3 days of her life. My sister is concerned not about it being the best 3 days, but about it being the worst.

Physically and mentally I think it will be a difficult 3 days. I think it will be difficult to see the amount of people affected by breast cancer and I think it will be difficult to walk 20 miles for 3 days in a row. Will it be the worst 3 days of my life? Not a chance.

The worst 3 days of my life have been the day my dad died, the day my sister delivered and lost her first baby and the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Physically the worst 3 days of my life have been the day I gave birth to my first daughter, the day after I had a titanium plate and 9 screws placed in my wrist and day 4 after my first round of chemo.

The first oncologist that I spoke to after being diagnosed told me that many women find they become stronger people after being diagnosed with cancer. My instinct at the time was to tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, but maybe he was right. It hasn't occurred to me once to be worried about the 3 day. I wasn't worried about the fundraising (I am currently at 7400.00) and although I knew I needed to train to physically be able to walk 20 miles for 3 days in a row, it has never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to do it. I guess I am a stronger person than I thought I was.

My sister has had some extremely difficult days as well, both physically and emotionally. I have faith in me and I have faith in her as well. It will be a hard 3days but we can do it, I know it without any doubt. It will be 3 of our best days, not our worst.

Summertime

We are having a heatwave in Seattle. It never gets above about 80 degrees here but for the past several days we have been in the high 90's, even hitting 100. We just aren't used to it here so we all complain that it is too hot and that it doesn't cool down at night. Our animals are listless and no one will even consider cooking. The plants are all drooping and the grass is turning brown.

All that being said, this summer has been fantastic. I can't help but comare it to last summer. I did my first chemo on July 9 and continued to do it every three weeks until September. I don't think it was this hot last summer, but I really don't remember because I spent a good majority of the summer sleeping on the couch or in bed. I also spent most of the summer wishing I could do more with my family. It's not that they weren't around-they were and they were very supportive, but all plans had to go through the chemo filter; was it a chemo week? Was I going to feel good enough to do anything? I was also working full time with intermittent leaves of absence for each round of chemo. Last summer, I just wanted my life back.

Yesterday was the perfect definition of having my life back. It was so hot in the house that by 10:00am we were all sweating. The girls and I decided to pack a cooler and head to the lake. Our neighborhood sits on this lake and we have a private park and beach access so there is no need to fight a crowd. We packed a lunch, took a big air mattress and some sunscreen and headed out to float. We played on the beach for awhile with my sister and her 3 daughters, then lathered ourselves in sunscreen and jumped on the air mattress. We floated the lake for several hours, jumping in occasionally to cool off.

When Larry came home, he joined us at the lake. We had a chance to catch up with some neighbors who were also there and to cool off. We came home and barbecued some burgers and sat outside to eat. It was too hot to go back in the house so we stayed outside playing cards with the girls until we could no longer see the cards. I love my life-heatwave or no heatwave, and I am extremely grateful to have it back.

Lucky 13

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Since I started writing this blog, I have never had trouble coming up with what to say to express my feelings, but somehow trying to find the right words to express how I feel about my marriage is proving difficult. Not because the feelings are difficult, but because the words seem rather trite. I could write about how we met, or the day we were married. I could write about the ups and downs that go with any marriage or the lessons we have learned over the last 13 years. I could write about how incredibly fabulous my husband has been through the entire cancer journey or how he loved me through baldness, scars, chemo, surgery and plenty of tears. I could certainly write about how much I love him.

But maybe the best way is this picture. I had to go back 3 years to find a picture of Larry and I. This particular picture was a picture of us at my birthday in 2006. Larry is rarely in our family pictures because he is always the one taking the pictures. He is always the one being proud of me or of the girls. He is the one being supportive. He is the one who takes hundreds of soccer pictures. He is the one who let me cry in his lap after every single chemo. He is the only one I spoke to of being afraid to die and leave my children. He is the one who does all the little things like making sure we have batteries in the house and oil in the car. He is the one who is proud to go to work every day because it allows him to support his family. He is the one who stands with all of us through everything.

He is the one.

Happy Easter

Today our Easter was rather quiet. My parents are out of town (we missed you!) and we had brunch with my sister and her kids. We made a fabulous stuffed french toast and all of the girls were near explosion level with strawberries and whipped cream.

I am thankful for simple things today. The laughter of my kids as they searched for eggs, the whipped cream smiles of my daughters and my nieces, the smell of sausage and syrup, the ability to smile and be happy knowing that my whole family is healthy and happy, my husband cooking on the griddle (he is the king of breakfasts in our house) and just a little champagne to celebrate.

Happy Easter!

Happy Birthday

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 68 years old. Unfortunately not only did he not get to see the 60's, he never even got to see the 50's. He died of pancreatic cancer at 48. His death was the only cancer death I had ever known until recently. It is his experience that shaped some of my own actions with my cancer diagnosis.

My dad was "follicly challenged" and didn't have a lot of hair to begin with, but I remember watching him pull it out by the handfuls after beginning chemo. It was for this reason that I decided to shave my head instead of waiting for my hair to fall out. I didn't think I could emotionally handle the devastation of seeing my hair come out in my hands or on my pillow. Even though shaving my head was extremely difficult, it was the right decision for me. It gave me a certain amount of control of a situation that I would have rather not been in.

Pancreatic cancer can sometimes be related to ovarian and/or breast cancer. It can also be somewhat related to lifestyle and my dad was not a very healthy specimen. My dad's brother passed away of brain cancer last year and his son (my cousin) currently has throat cancer. This was enough cancer risk in my family for me to decide to be tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations which I thankfully do not have.

My dad died on my mother's birthday when I was 24 years old. I had seen him the day before his death and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was not going to make it. It was a devastating blow to me and my first experience with mortality. It was his death that made me realize that people really, truly die and don't live forever. That same year, his mother (my grandmother) died as well cementing that realization for me.

It is unfortunate that many of the things that I remember about my dad have to do with his death and the impact that it had on me. There are plenty of other things I remember as well; making him the biggest sandwich I could fathom, his ability to paint a holiday scene on our windows, the way he smelled, the tattoo on his forearm, his all-consuming love of his children, his belly laugh, his absolute refusal to drink coffee, the proprietary way he felt about Mt. Rainier. I wish, wish, wish he would have been alive to see his grandchildren. I think he would have been so proud that he would have nearly burst.

There are so many moments that he missed so here is one for him. The first day of school for both girls when we moved to our new house. Happy birthday dad....from two of your 5 beautiful grandaughters. We love you.

Cheering Section

I was a very shy child and the athletic ability in my family went to my sister. I did not play in any type of organized sport growing up so I have never had been the object of a cheering section.

Last night was the auction/fundraiser for our 3 Day walk. It was a great night and I had a really great time. Part of the event was a slideshow of pictures from the 44 people who make up the Valley Girls and Guys team. Since I was not on the team last year, I did not have a picture of myself participating in the walk. Instead I submitted one of my favorite pictures of Head Shaving Day that shows my family's hands on my newly shorn head. I had not seen the slide show so I didn't know what to expect.

All together there were 17 friends and family sitting at my table and the table behind me. When that picture of me came up on the slide show under the heading of "those who are fighting", I heard all of them cheer for me. For me! I have never heard such a thing in my life. It was my first cheering section and it was for something that I didn't know warranted it...fighting cancer. I was humbled and surprised by the reaction.

The fundraiser brought in an astounding $30,000.00 that benefits the Susan G. Komen organization. That is $30,000.00 closer to finding a cure. Thank you to Tina for making the whole thing happen and for getting through my story without crying! I am extremely thankful to all those who contributed and came to join us for a very fun night. Thank you to Trena, Pam, Jeff, Pam, Keith, Jim, Trude, Kari, Chad, Cathy, Mary, Steve, Holly, Dawn, Mike and my wonderful husband. Thank you for your amazing generosity and thank you for being my very first cheering section. You have given me a memory that will stay with me forever.

Giving

Over the past couple of days, the radio station that I listen to was having a radiothon to benefit Seattle Children's Hospital. I have been giving to Children's hospital each month for several years because I think it is an important resource for Seattle. My children listen to the same radio station with me and yesterday, my oldest daughter was listening and came to ask me if she could call in and donate some of her own money. She pulled out 5.00 in cash of her money and called in. I was very proud of her. She has never needed to go to Children's Hospital and she doesn't know anyone who has been there either. I let her make the call and donate her money because I think it is important that my kids understand that even if someone doesn't have a lot of money, they can still make a difference.

My husband has decided to participate in the Big Climb again this year. It is a race up the Columbia Center which is 69 flights of stairs. This particular event benefits Lymphoma and Leukemia. Once again, we have been lucky to not be directly affected by either one of these but I am proud that he is supporting this cause.

http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/BigClimb?px=1092408&pg=personal&fr_id=1040&et=hpjivP8JbJ_CoqvM6zhSIw..&s_tafId=3720
I think having been diagnosed with any type of cancer has made my family realize that ALL cancers should go away. It is very difficult road for an adult to go through chemo and radiation and I think my kids realize how very difficult it must be for a child to go through. I'm proud that after going through a very grueling year of our own, my family still wants to give to others.

Reflections on 2008

New Year's Eve 2008. We are going to Portland to spend time with friends and to celebrate the New Year, and what a year it has been. There is definitely part of me that says "Good Riddance" to 2008 but really, I feel like before I look forward to 2009, I have to pay my respects to a truly life changing year. It brought many things-some good and some not so good.

Loss: We lost Larry's son to a blood clot and our friend Marty to cancer. We lost our carefree life. Turmoil: Larry and I were both laid off from our jobs at different times. My layoff was a notification and I will be employed at WaMu until the end of March. In the face of everything else that happened this year, not being sure of our financial security threw our lives into more turmoil. Devastation: Not only was I given the devastating news that I had been diagnosed with cancer but so were many friends: Michael, Marty, Ankie and Shana. Pain: Larry and I both had surgeries this year but ours was not isolated to physical pain. The mental pain of being diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease is significant. It is immense-this possibility of dying and leaving my children and family. It is immense for everyone who loves me as well. No matter how hard we all try to stay positive, the fact remains that people die from cancer and I do not want to be one of them. Fear: The fear of the unknown when being diagnosed is almost tangible. The fear that there was more cancer than we were aware of, fear that it would win, fear that the treatments would be unbearable. I could end my reflections of 2008 there and say that it was an extremely miserable year, but it wouldn't be a very true reflection. It was miserable at times....really miserable, but that wasn't all of it.

Joy: In direct opposition to the devastation came the joy of finding out that my cancer was contained in one breast. We also found joy in everyday things; time with friends, good food, special events, sunshine and lots of laughter. Gratitude: I'm an independent person. I don't often need help from other people but I can't say how grateful I am for the amazing support of family and friends. I will never understand how people can battle cancer on their own. There is simply no possible way I could have done it without the great people in my life. Strength: I have many people tell me that I am brave and courageous but I don't see it that way. It's not like I had a choice in the matter; I couldn't just roll over and die, I had to get up and fight. What I do see is that I have more strength than I thought. Not only do I have strength, but so do my husband and my children. They are really the brave and courageous ones. They did have a choice and they chose to get in the ring with me and thank God they did! Pride: I have been proud of my children since the day they were born, but I am so proud of my family and how they have handled this. They have handled it with grace, compassion, determination, humor and love. Isn't this what we want from our children and spouses? To know that they can handle the hard things as well as they can handle the easy things? Happiness: Does it seem odd to say that in the year that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer that I would find myself to be happy? I am. I am very happy with my life and have found a certain confidence in myself that I didn't have before. I have found a joy in expressing myself through writing-something I didn't know that I needed. Clarity: My priorities are defined in a much different way since my diagnosis. Friendships are important, family is important, my job is important and my health is important. My health! I have ignored it for many years and been lucky. Now I get to pay attention to it and be grateful to do so.

2008 was a terrible year in many ways and I wouldn't have wished it upon myself or my family. But now that it is done, I recognize it for what it was...life changing. It brought as many good things as it did bad things and I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and appreciate both. I will not go so far as to say that I am grateful to have cancer. I'm not-I still hate it. But I am grateful for those positive things that it has brought into my life and those things that I have had the opportunity to view in a different light. I am grateful to have made it through so that I can lay 2008 to rest with the dignity that it deserves.

Gathering of Family

Last night we hosted the rescheduled Holiday Open House that we have been hosting for several years. This group of people is a collection of family. Not everyone is related to each other, but they are all related to me in some way.

I am happy to say that despite more snow falling, everyone braved the roads to join us. I think everyone suffered from a bit of cabin fever over the past couple of weeks so there was lively conversation all around and as usual, plenty of food and wine.

For many of us, this is the only time that we get to see each other so there is much to catch up on. Everyone has had an eventful year and I think we are thankful to be able to connect with each other. I know there were some who were worried that I was taking this on and I hope that when they saw me, they were reassured that I am doing fine. Besides a lingering cold, VERY short hair and some odd, chemo related fingernail issues, I am doing well. I never considered not hosting what has become an annual event.

My girls received a Wii from Santa and have spent almost all of their time since then playing it. When the cousins came over, they joined them in playing the Wii games so we didn't see much of the kids. We were able to capture this picture of 7 cousins when we convinced them to sit down for a brief moment. My two daughters, my sister's three daughters and my cousin's two sons. I am thrilled that the kids enjoy each other's company as much as the adults enjoy theirs. Here's to family.

The Best Laid Plans

Each year, we host a Holiday Open House for my family on the Sunday before Christmas. We have done it every year for several years, despite busy schedules, new babies and wind storms. This year I was determined to not let cancer put a halt to this tradition. Our open house was scheduled for today and we were ready to have everyone over. The house is clean, the lights are up on the house, the tree is up, the menu is planned. We were ready.

If I have learned anything this year since being diagnosed, you would think it would be that not everything goes the way I plan. I certainly didn't plan to spend the majority of 2008 fighting cancer and despite the fact that our Open House is always planned for December I didn't plan for snow. Mother Nature had different plans than I did and has blanketed the entire Northwest and brought all of us to a screeching halt.

I am disappointed that we had to cancel but feel good that everyone is safe and warm at home and not navigating icy streets. Once we made the decision to cancel, my day opened up suddenly in a way that I had not anticipated. We had NOTHING that we had to do! We were given a gift that I would not have expected-time. Today the girls played in the snow and sledded down a giant hill. I got to spend a leisurely afternoon wrapping presents. This is usually a chore that I squeeze into stolen moments late at night when I am tired and would rather be in bed. I don't usually get to enjoy the labor of love that it should be. Larry watched the entire Seahawks game in peace. I cooked dinner with my daughter and we ate it while watching a Christmas movie.

Once again I have learned that sometimes good things come from what I didn't have planned. Now don't get me wrong...we will reschedule the Open House for the day after Christmas. I'm flexible enough to take advantage of a change of plans but I'm also persistent and determined. Cancer may have brought some good things into my life, but it isn't going to stop me from keeping my original plan of having a long, healthy, happy life.

The Power of Words

I love this time of year when I get to hear from all of the people that I love. Christmas cards come in the mail almost every day and I display them in my kitchen where I can see them every day.

This year I had to take down other cards to put up my Christmas cards. Cards of love and support from friends and family as I have gone through this breast cancer journey. There is power in words. Some make me smile or laugh. Some make me cry. These are some of the words that I find in these cards that have helped me through....

We hope you are feeling better...To let you know you're thought of every day....Be well my friend....Rest, Relax, Recover....You are amazing...Keep your great positive attitude and you will be on to better things soon....If you need to lean awhile, we're here....We think you are beautiful on the inside and out....Our wishes go out to the universe to heal and comfort you....I have a million words and no words at all...You are very special to me....You are surrounded by love and support....We're with you every step....You are so dear to all of us.....It is a long process and you are on your way....In the tough times now and ahead, be sure in your family and friends.....You are spirited, you are strong...You are an amazing woman....Remember I am here to share the rainy times too....Hang in there....Pretend I am with you, because in my heart, I am....We are adding our strength to yours......Wishing you strength, peace and courage....I'm so proud of you....Be strong....Be the hero, that's you.....One day at a time....I'm here for you....Today is a better day....You're a fighter, a survivor and a believer.....I'll always be here for you....Hope every day is better....You are fabulous....Whatever it takes....I'll be rooting for you.....

Our thoughts are with you....My thoughts....You are in our thoughts....thinking of you...Good thoughts....Our prayers are with you....We pray....I am praying....Our prayers...We love you....I love you....Love you....Lovingly....Love....Love....Love.

And this quote which I thought said so much.

"In this world, there is no force equal to the strength of a woman determined to rise."

5 Reasons

Last May when I was diagnosed, my friend Mindy asked me if I would like to participate in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. As it happened, it was the same week as my surgery so I couldn't participate. And to be honest, my head just wasn't in it. I was reeling from the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't really think past the fact that I could lose my life and that I was in for a fight.

I had friends who participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day in September as well. It just so happened that the timing of the 3 day began on the day after my last round of chemo. Once again I couldn't participate and to be perfectly honest, I was pretty engrossed in my own battle. I wasn't ready to take on anyone else's.

Now that I can look in the rear view mirror a bit and distance myself from the shock of being diagnosed and the physical demands of going through therapy, I find myself wanting to do what I can to participate in the larger fight against cancer, not just my own.

There are many reasons for wanting to do this. Part of it is selfish. I want to find a cure for breast cancer so I don't have to go through it again. Part of it is more altruistic-I don't want ANYONE to have to be diagnosed with ANY kind of cancer.

I have just signed up for the Relay for Life on Mindy's team for 2009 and will plan to participate in the 3 day in September as well. My reasons? See the beautiful girls above? My two daughters and my three nieces. I never, ever, ever want them to hear those words that I heard. You have cancer.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TRC/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GW?pg=peditor&fr_id=15243&px=8683152

Thankful

Last night we returned from Hawaii. The timing of this vacation couldn't have been better. I have been battling cancer for a full 6 months. It has been a very difficult and challenging six months not only for me but for those who care about me as well. It is emotionally and physically draining. I was so thankful to be somewhere with my family where I had no appointments, no drugs, no schedule. We rested and relaxed and played and played some more.

Today I will go to my mother's house for Thanksgiving where my sister and her family will be as well as my grandmother. Besides my husband and my children, these are the people who have been most intimately involved in this battle. I am incredibly grateful to have each of them in my corner. From my grandmother who despite having no real experience on a computer is now a faithful reader of my blog, to my mother who had to watch her oldest daughter shave her head and couldn't do it for her. From my stepfather who was the first person to get on the phone to start making phone calls after I was diagnosed to try to find me a doctor to my niece Ellie who has accepted her Auntie's bald head with humor and glee asking me constantly if she can feel my "noggin". From my brother-in-law who doesn't bat an eye when I ask him to go to KFC for me or rescue my husband and children from a flat tire to my sister who has done and been everything. Even my little nieces Rachael and Jillian who could care less if their Auntie is sick and bald as long as she is willing to change their diaper or be thrown up on (Which she is ALWAYS willing to do!)

My list of things to be thankful for wouldn't be complete if I didn't include the incredible care I have received at Swedish and at Valley Medical. Say what you will about healthcare in this country, but I could not be happier with my doctors, nurses and techs and even my insurance provider. I realize fully that not everyone has access to the care that I have and I am thankful for what I have experienced.

I am thankful for my health. I think everyone will think this today and maybe even say it out loud, but I don't know if everyone will truly grasp what it feels like to go through a day not worrying about your health. I tried once to explain to a friend what it is like to spend every minute of every day thinking about your health and I don't think I did a good job of conveying what a gift it is to have other thoughts during the day...to think of your good health only in passing. Today I will be thankful for my health and that of my friends and family and I will be grateful to God that today on this day designed for thanks giving, I am here, I am healthy and I don't have to spend every minute wondering if tomorrow I won't be.