Thursday, July 9, 2009

Isn't it strange how as you get older, your memory sometimes isn't as clear as it used to be? If you asked me what I had for lunch yesterday, I probably couldn't tell you. I don't remember it because it wasn't particularly significant. Why is it then that when I woke up this morning the first thing I thought about is that it is July 9th and last year this was the first day of chemo?

I really don't spend all of my time thinking about cancer anymore. I used to, but now I think about other things and getting on with my life. But today I remembered the feelings that were there on July 9th of last year. Dread, fear, anxiety, denial. I kept thinking that someone would tell me during that day that it was all a mistake and I really didn't have cancer and I really didn't need to do chemo.

I kissed my children goodbye without tears but when the babysitter walked me out to the door I started to cry. I'm not sure why-she is a 17 year old girl who definitely had no concept of what I was going to endure that day. She is a family friend though and maybe the tears were because I wanted to be the one that stayed there with my girls. I didn't want to have to have a babysitter to go do something that I was dreading.

Today Larry and I are leaving to go away for the weekend with 5 other couples. We have been doing this trip for 14 years with the same group of people. It is a weekend where we laugh our heads off for 4 days and I am very much looking forward to it. Some of the best memories of my life are from these trips. Maybe I will have a toast tonight to surviving through chemo. Maybe I will toast to having such great friends. Maybe I will toast to having memories-both good and bad.


Annie Searle said...

I'll drink to that, and I hope you will too. It's good that you remember so much of the experience so clearly, because you surely are helping others when you do. Have a lot of laughs and a great weekend! XOXO Annie

Hua said...

Hi Tracy,

I hope you are doing well. After reading some for your post, your stories are very inspirational and I know it will reach out to many.
I think your blog would be a great addition to the Cancer community at Wellsphere. Many can share their stories with you and you can get in touch with people who can relate with overcoming cancer. I'm Hua, the director of Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, a network of over 2,000 of the best health writers on the web (including doctors, nurses, healthy living professionals, and expert patients). If you would like to learn more about it and apply to join at - The HealthBlogger page ( provides details about participation, but if you have any questions please feel free to email me at


Roberta said...

I just want to say, as a sister on this cancer journey, that I sincerely wish you all the best. You are helping others to realize they are not alone.