Breast Cancer and me-My breast cancer blog

2 Years

2010-05-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well I have made it two years. I was diagnosed on May 7th 2008. When I tell people that it was two years ago that I was diagnosed, most people ask me how I feel about it. I feel great about it. I know that there are people who have depression after a diagnosis, but I'm not one of them. On May 7th 2009 I felt good about making it a year, but still didn't really feel like myself. This year I feel like myself. My energy is back, I am not waiting on surgeries, recovering from surgeries or recuperating from treatment. My hair is back and I feel healthier than ever.

I wish I could say that I feel like it is all behind me, but that isn't really true. Cancer is still in my thoughts every single day. It just doesn't really go away. I am concerned every time I have an ache or a pain or something that is out of the ordinary.

I still struggle with what my lessons are supposed to be. I continue to think that I got cancer for a reason, but I don't yet know what it is. I learned a lot about myself and about my friends and family but my life isn't drastically different than it was before. I didn't pack up the family and move into a log cabin or chuck all of my professional experience and become a film director.

I read recently that most people say that the age when they "found" themselves was 45. I turned 45 in March so I have high hopes for this year. I thought my lessons would show up with fireworks and lightning, but that hasn't been the case. I think this will be my year. I am happy to be 2 years out. I am proud of the accomplishment and hopeful for the future.

Graduation Day

2010-04-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

Last week I had an appointment with my oncologist. I am blessed to have chosen an oncologist that I am very comfortable with and trust completely. Its a good thing too since I have spent a whole lot of time with her over the last 2 years.

When I first began my cancer journey, I saw her at least once every 3 weeks. I would see her on chemo day and generally a week after chemo to check my white blood cells. I am now on a first name basis with my doctor, her nurses, the receptionist and the nice people who take my blood every time I go in.

After I finished treatment, I started seeing her every 3 months and have been doing so for the last year and a half. Last week when I finished my appointment and went to make the next one, they told me they would see me in 6 months. I had to ask to make sure that I had heard right. Yep-6 months.

To put that in perspective, consider the other appointments I have during the year. 2 infusions of Zometa, 1 bone Scan, 2 Mammograms, 1 MRI, 4 trips for bloodwork, 1 Ob-gyn appointment and those are all if I am healthy. If I happen to get sick then I have to see my regular doctor. So 2 fewer trips a year may not seem like a big deal but it is.

I love graduation day!

Birthdays and Early Departures

2010-04-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 69 years old. He died of pancreatic cancer when he was 48 years old. Too young. My husband is now 49 years old and is in the prime of his life. He is healthy, active, happy and thriving. I can't imagine him not being here.

My dad's death was the first in my life and the time when I realized that people are often taken too soon. I'm not sure what the right number of years to be on earth should be, but I think it should be more than 48.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, my doctor showed me the 10 year survival rates for someone with my diagnosis. If I survive 10 years, I will be 53. This didn't really make me feel a whole lot better. 53 seems too young also. How about 83 or 93 or 103? How about I get to actually live a good, long, healthy, happy life? I just celebrated my 45th birthday-one which I am extremely grateful for.

Now, 21 years after my dad's death, it seems like most of the deaths that I have had to bear have been for people that were way too young. So for those people, here's wishing you would have had more birthdays to celebrate.

Dad-48 years old
Marty-41 years old
Diane-46 years old
Dean-30 years old
Baby Lauren-6 hours
Baby Sierra Willow-0 hours

Panic, unbidden

2010-03-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Clearly, based on the fact that I have not posted in over a month, I have started moving on with my regularly scheduled life. I have been feeling pretty good. My energy is great, my health is good, my hair is back. Things are back to "normal".

That is exactly how I was feeling yesterday when I was waiting in the doctors office for my mammogram. Mammograms and MRI's are just part of my life now and this is the one that was scheduled 18 months after I finished all of my treatment. I flipped through magazines, checked my phone, thought about my lunch date afterwards. I was not worried at all. After all, I just had an MRI in January and everything looked good.

I went in and was squished and squashed and then sent back to the waiting room so that I could review the films with the doctor. I waited and waited and waited. As all the other women in the waiting room went in and out I started to feel just the slightest bit of apprehension. Finally when no one else was left in the waiting room, the technician came in and said the doctor would like me to do more films.

I burst into tears. I had no idea how close to the surface that fear was. I really thought that I was feeling OK with my health and that I had put a damper on that constant fear of a recurrence, but obviously I had not. We went back to do more films and I cried through the whole thing. Then I went back to the waiting room to hear my fate.

The tech again came in to get me and said that the doctor would like to do an ultrasound. Before I could stop it a four letter word came out of my mouth and then once again-burst into tears.  I just started feeling normal. I don't want to deal with cancer again. I don't want abnormal mammograms or ultrasounds. I just want to be healthy.

The doctor actually did the ultrasound and was very, very thorough. The first thing she said to me was "don't panic". Too late! Panic was the only thing that I had to hold on to and unfortunately it had an iron grip. I cried through the entire ultrasound. At long last she showed me what she was looking at, a small spot in my left breast just above and behind the surgery markers that were left there from my lumpectomy. She does NOT think it is cancer. She thinks it is fat necrosis (the death of fat cells basically) from a place that wasn't getting enough blood supply from my last surgery. I have never in my life thought that I would be happy to hear anything about my body regarding fat. "Fat?" Yes, she explained, it is just a piece of tissue that isn't getting enough blood supply so it is dying. Fat turns into a solid and eventually will turn into an oil just like any other fat and be absorbed by my body.

They will keep an eye on it, but she said if she had ANY inclination that it was cancer, she would be doing a biopsy immediately.  While I hated every single second of that appointment, I am glad that they are thorough. I don't want any surprises. I am also glad that the doctor was so patient in explaining everything to me.

I left the clinic a weepy, shaking, relieved mess and sped off to my lunch date for which I was now late.  Credit given to my good friend Annie who immediately declared I needed a margarita given the morning I had just had. She bought me a drink at lunch (something I NEVER do) and a nice lunch and we got to have our nice, "normal" lunch-without panic..

"I was diagnosed...."

2010-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

A year and 10 months after being diagnosed, I have met many, many women who have said these words to me. "I was diagnosed......" It becomes part of a normal conversation complete with treatment, surgeries, prognosis, and more medical terms than I ever wanted to know.

It is a difficult thing as an adult to say these words and understand what they mean. The radio station I listen to is currently doing a radiothon to benefit Children's Hospital here in Seattle. Children's Hospital is a shining star in health care. They take care of children who need it regardless of economic ability. I have been listening all day and the thing that continues to bring me to tears is the interviews. I keep hearing children as young as 3 saying those words..."I was diagnosed....". They shouldn't even know what the word means.

Not all of the kids at Children's Hospital are dealing with cancer, but many are. Cancer is a miserable, terrible, cruel disease and the treatment for cancer is miserable as well. These kids who are going through chemo or radiation or stem-cell transplants are braver than brave and they don't deserve to be turned away because their families can't afford the treatment. I hope you will join me in supporting Children's Hospital. If you are a survivor who reads this blog, I want you to remember the first time you had to say those words..."I was diagnosed". If you are a parent who reads it, think about how your heart would hurt if you heard your children say those words.

You can Donate here

A Question of DNA

2010-02-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

The girls are on their Mid-Winter break and we took the opportunity to find some sunshine. My parents have a condo in Palm Desert, California and they graciously allowed us to use it for the week. They have owned the condo for about 5 years, but this is the first time that the timing has worked out for us to use it.

It is, of course, beautiful. It doesn't surprise me at all that the condo is done to perfection and looks like it came straight out of a showroom. My mother has always had beautiful taste and an eye for decorating. She also takes great pride in having her home meticulously neat and tidy. I am in awe of the work that she has done and the comfortable way it feels.

My mother, my sister, my grandmother and my aunt all have these same characteristics. They all have beautiful homes and have a knack for things. I don't have it. I would like to think I do, but the fact is I really don't. I know what I like and what I don't like as far as decorating, but I don't have the first clue of how to put it all together. "Things" start to feel like clutter to me in my own home and instead of adding to the feel of the decor, they begin to feel like something else that collects dust. It's not that I don't care what my home looks like, I do care. I just don't know how to make it look the way I want to.

I imagine it is a question of DNA or maybe environment. Maybe my mother got it from my grandmother and my sister got it from my mother. So what happened to me? How does DNA work? If my sister and I come from the same gene pool, why don't we get the same characteristics?

The same can be said for having cancer. Neither my mother, my sister, my aunt or my grandmother have been diagnosed with cancer, thank God, but I have. Is it something in my DNA? Is it something in my environment? What is it?

I feel like I need to figure it out because as much as I would like to have the taste that the women in my family have and be able to pass it on to my daughters, I am more concerned that what I might be passing on to my daughters is much more sinister.

I don't want my daughters to ever have cancer. I sincerely hope that in the way that I missed the decorating gene, they will miss the cancer gene. I hope they have beautifully decorated homes and an appreciation for things-all while they are cancer free.

World Cancer Day 2010

2010-02-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

February 4th is World Cancer Day. A day designated to raise awareness of the number #1 killer world-wide. Not war, not HIV/Aids, not Heart Disease, not natural disasters....cancer. That's not to say that there aren't other worthy causes in the world, because that just isn't true, but I think that sometimes people think that cancer is something far away and removed from them.

Cancer isn't far away at all. It can affect you, your parents, your siblings, your children, your friends. Here are a few examples:

My friend Michael-At 45 he was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma (an oral cancer). He is not and has never been a tobacco user. He is healthy and active and he is now facing his 4th surgery to remove cancerous tissue after already completing chemo and radiation. He has two tween age kids. Michael is still fighting.

My friend Ankie-At 46 she was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and thyroid cancer. She is a life long athlete, eats organically and makes sure that she uses no chemicals/pesticides in her yard or home. She has two beautiful girls. After chemo, several surgeries and breast reconstruction, Ankie is hopeful that she is beating cancer.

My friend Wendy-At 45 she was diagnosed with Stage IV colo-rectal cancer. Wendy is a nurse and takes care of people every day. She has no family history and had no reason to suspect that colo-rectal cancer was in her future. She also has two beautiful girls. Wendy is still fighting.

My friend Marty-At age 41 he was diagnosed with a rare cancer called Thymus Carcinoma. Marty was a firefighter and a fitness buff, training other firefighters to improve their health. He had two young wonderful children. Marty lost his fight June 3, 2008

Me-Tracy-At age 43 I was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer. I have no family history and no typical risk factors. I have two perfect, wonderful girls. After chemo, radiation and surgery, I am hopeful that I am beating cancer.

On World Cancer Day, make a commitment.

Do it in your own life, go out and be active, limit your alcohol, be healthy in your diet choices, DON'T SMOKE, be aware of your environment and your risk factors.
Be Informed. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/events/annual/world_cancer_day/en/index.html
Give time or money.

Click to give free mammograms: http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2&ThirdPartyClicks=BCS_linktous_120_02

Check out the opportunities at the American Cancer Society: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/home/index.asp

Donate today. I am walking in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk again this year. I am hoping to raise over 5000.00 dollars this year. http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2010/SeattleEvent2010?px=2282716&pg=personal&fr_id=1471

Normal Breathing

2010-01-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

Last week was preventative maintenance week and I had my follow up with my oncologist, blood work, zometa, an MRI and a bone density scan. All of this is part of my continuing plan to make sure I remain healthy.

I know all of this and am thankful that I have the opportunity to have good health care, but there is a certain amount of anxiety that goes with all of these tests. There is always the possibility that something will come back as suspicious. Because I don't get any of the results immediately, this generally means a few days of concern. There is just always something in the back of my mind reminding me that the possibility of a recurrence is there. I feel like I breathe a little shallower and walk a little quieter so as to not wake up any demons that might be sleeping inside.

Yesterday I got a call from my oncologists nurse telling me that not only is my bone density holding up, but my MRI came back perfectly normal as did all of my lab work. I took my first normal breath of the week.

Thank you God.

Doctors and Nurses and Techs, Oh My!

2010-01-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

This week is tune-up and preventative maintenance week. Yesterday I had a follow-up with my surgeon and a bone density scan. Tomorrow I have a follow-up with my oncologist, a zometa infusion and an MRI.

I currently think of myself as a healthy person so it is kind of strange to be spending so much time at doctors offices and hospitals but it also helps me to maintain the idea that I am a healthy person.

The bone density scan is something I will have once a year (this is my second one). Because I was forced into menopause through chemo and because I am taking Tamoxifen, there is some concern about bone loss so I will have this test each year to make sure that my bones are holding up.

I have an appointment with my oncologist every 3 months. For the most part, these are now just appointments to make sure I'm not having any adverse side effects of the drugs, she will also do a breast exam and check my lymph nodes. I have blood work done each time that tests various things such as my iron, my vitamin D level, my estrogen level and my tumor markers.

I will have my 3rd infusion of Zometa. Zometa is a bisphosphonate which is essentially a bone density drug. For me, with my diagnosis, this drug is a preventative. Zometa has been shown to reduce the risk of a recurrence to the bones by roughly 30 percent. I will have it every 6 months for 3 years. It takes about 45 minutes for an infusion and so far I have had minimal side effects. I generally have a day of feeling just a bit off, maybe a bit flu-like and tired. It isn't debilitating though, and worth it in the end.

The MRI is just one more tool in my toolkit to look for lumps or differences in my breast tissue. I have a mammogram every 6 months and alternate those with the MRI so I am having some type of imaging test done about every quarter.

It is hard sometimes to force myself to spend the day at doctor's offices. It is especially hard to have the Zometa infusion as that is in the same place that I had chemo. It reminds me of how difficult it is. Cancer is hard. There is just no denying that it is a terrible, difficult disease. However, I am grateful for good health care and thankful that so many people are on my team, helping me to make sure that I remain healthy. So, I will go in on Friday and I will be grateful that I am going there to remain healthy and not because I am sick.

Can you say Soy?

2010-01-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was told that I am Estrogen and Progesterone positive meaning that estrogen and progresterone running through my body added fuel to the fire, so to speak, by allowing cancer cells to attach onto it and grow.

It is for this reason that I currently take Tamoxifen and will continue to take it for the next 4 years if not more. Tamoxifen blocks the estrogen from attaching to any rogue cancer cells. It is also for this reason that I have significantly reduced the amount of soy that I have in my diet. Soy acts like an estrogen and the research up until this point has been very very inconclusive on the effects that soy has on estrogen positive breast cancer survivors like myself.

Now, don't think that I was a soy-aholic before my diagnosis, I wasn't. I don't like soy milk, I don't eat tofu unless it is in hot and sour soup, I don't buy soy bacon or tofutti or anything else that is suppposed to make you think you are eating meat. But here's the problem, soy is in EVERYTHING. Take a look at your labels, there is soy in salad dressings, bread, soups, sauces, cereal. Everything has some form of soy in it which makes it very difficult when you are trying to avoid it.

Since giving up sugar and sugar substitutes, I have become an avid label reader so while I can't in all honesty say I have given up soy, I can say that I avoid it as often as possible because it was my understanding that it might increase my chances of a recurrence.

Finally, there is a study that says this just might not be the case. This study says that maybe, just maybe, soy is helpful in preventing a recurrence even for people like me who are estrogen positive and taking Tamoxifen. Could it be true that I can go to one of my favorite restaurants, PF Changs, and order the edamame and eat it without concern?? That I can give my children soy milk without worrying about their personal breast cancer risk??

Three cheers for soy! I'm going out to find some edamame....

Measuring a Year

2010-01-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

What a difference a year makes. After being diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2008, everything became about cancer. I spent the year in surgeries, doing chemo and radiation and with fear as my constant companion. 2008 brought other things as well. Amazing support from friends and family, a newfound appreciation for good health care, a new depth of knowledge about my own health and my own strength.

If 2008 was my year of living with cancer, 2009 was my year of living without it.  I wish I could say that after finishing treatment that I went back to my normal life, but that isn't really true.  Cancer doesn't really go away.  It is something I think about every single day. In 2009, I got to figure out what living without cancer is like.

In 2009 my friendships were different than they were in 2008. Not better or worse, just different. I was reminded that everyone has challenges and joys in their life and I get to participate in those. In 2008 I knew this, but couldn't give my attention to it.

My world became broader. This year I did 2 radio interviews, a television interview, wrote a newspaper article and was interviewed for an article. I participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk.   I had the pleasure of meeting an entire group of breast cancer survivors from around the counry. I got to be part of the world in a bigger way than I had before.

I am now an expert in something I never wanted to be an expert in; cancer. I wish I could say that I didn't know anyone else who had been diagnosed, but that is not the case. Though I am incredibly sorry that more women have been diagnosed, I am glad that I can provide some help and support based on my own experience.

I have been unemployed since March. While this has caused a good amount of stress financially and my confidence sometimes takes a hit, I am grateful every day for the opportunity to spend time with my family. I don't think I would have had the same level of appreciation for it had the prior year not been consumed by cancer.

I have aches and pains. Every ache and pain causes me concern. It is very difficult to convince myself that every pain isn't cancer. But I am remembering what it is like to have aches and pains that are part of being human.

In 2008 I measured my year in treatments and surgeries and how it was affected by cancer. In 2009 I had to find another way to measure.  My favorite musical of all time is Rent. My favorite song and the one that brings me to tears every time I see it is Seasons of Love. How do you measure a year? How about love.

Seasons of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It�s time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Holiday Happiness and Angels

2009-12-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that I didn't post on Christmas! I guess everything just got busy and it went by the wayside. The holidays have been great for our family. We were able to spend great time with the girls, with my family and even with friends. I finished all of my shopping and wrapping early so I even had some stress-free days when everyone else was running around like crazy people.

As always, I am grateful and happy to have good health for me and my family, but have been saddened by several events over the last couple of weeks.

First, I was upset to hear that a friend and former colleague has been diagnosed with breast and lung cancer. Her family support position is not ideal and even though I know she is as tough as they come, I can't help but worry that she will at times feel alone in her journey. I think about her every day, knowing that she has good medical care and lots of friends who care about her and hoping she will find the strength wherever she can.

My sister gave birth to her first daughter on December 22nd of 2003. She was born prematurely and lived only a few short hours making it into December 23rd by just a hair. I was with her when she was born and stayed until her last breath. Every December 22nd there are tears remembering her sweet little face and the injustice of her death.

This year my cousin Jeff went through something similar, losing their beautiful baby girl just days before she was due to be born. On December 23rd, I received a package in the mail with a lovely photo tribute to their sweet baby girl. Again, the injustice of a life not lived brings me to tears and the wrenching words of the grieving parents nearly caused a complete breakdown on my part.

My Great Uncle came to our holiday open house this year. His first Christmas since my Great Aunt Mae passed away. They were together for some 60+ years. Though I was very happy to see my Uncle, seeing him tear up throughout the evening was heartwrenching. Though she lived a long and happy life, it was not for her that I was sad this year, it was for those she left behind.

My holidays were happy, but with that happiness comes a bit of melancholy as well.

Holiday Cheer or no Cheer

2009-12-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

It is the holiday season with families gathering all over the world to share food, drink, love and more. I love this time of year and love the cheer that goes along with it. However, since my diagnosis, I have been more cautious about the cheer that I partake in.

I gave up sugar and sugar substitutes and all forms of corn syrup immediately after I was diagnosed and have stuck with that. This makes some of the holiday gatherings more challenging, but doesn't really bother me to not partake in the cookies, candy and pies. (OK, in full disclosure, I do drool over the Starbucks counter looking at the Cranberry Bliss bars which are only available this time of year and I definitely take a second glance at my mother-in-law's homemade almond roca!)

I have never been much of a drinker, only drinking in social situations, but I have dropped that considerably since my diagnosis as well and probably have 1 drink a week. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a margarita or a good glass of wine just as much as anyone else, it just isn't worth the increased risk of a recurrence for me.

Now there is a new study out connecting alcohol consumption with breast cancer recurrences. Studies are only studies and I know scientists can read whatever they would like into them, but this one says that with women who have already been diagnosed with breast cancer that drinking can increase their chances of a recurrence significantly. Since I have been doing everything I can to decrease my chances of a recurrence, I think I will be finding more joy in family and friends and maybe a little less in a glass.

T-4

2009-12-01T21:36:00.001-08:00

As of today, I have been taking Tamoxifen for exactly one year. One down and 4 to go. I don't know why 5 is the magic number, but it is what my doctor has recommended. I do know that a higher percentage of recurences happen within the first 18-24 months of initial diagnosis, but after that, the risk kind of levels off.

For the most part, I don't have significant side effects from Tamoxifen aside from hot flashes and night sweats from being in chemo-induced menopause. I do sometimes have joint pain, especially in my ankles. But that's it really. Oh and I can't eat grapefruit as it interacts with the drug. A minor nuisance to give up grapefruit and grapefruit juice for 5 years.

It is hard to imagine that a tiny little white pill is responsible for such a big role in my body. Its role is to keep the estrogen from attaching onto any cell that might consider becoming a cancer cell. In theory, because I had chemo and radiation, I should have no cancer cells in my body so there should be nothing for any estrogen to attach onto.

I am glad to have yet another milestone under my belt.

Sugarplums

2009-11-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

The children were nestled all snug in their beds... Oh wait, wrong holiday! Well the children actually are all snug in their beds and the house is quiet. Tomorrow all the craziness of the holidays will begin in earnest and there will be family and food and festivities.

But I will take these few quiet moments to be thankful. I will be thankful for my wonderful husband, my fabulous family and friends and the little sugarplums who are asleep upstairs. But more than anything else, I am thankful to be here, healthy and happy and cancer-free.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

New Mammogram Guidelines

2009-11-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

I understand that guidelines are just that; guidelines. But I am absolutely appalled at the new mammography guidelines. The new recommendations:

Most women in their 40s should not routinely get mammograms.

Women 50 to 74 should get a mammogram every other year until they turn 75, after which the risks and benefits are unknown. (The task force's previous guidelines had no upper limit and called for exams every year or two.)

The value of breast exams by doctors is unknown. And breast self-exams are of no value.

How do they reconcile these new guidelines with the fact that breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death for women under 50 and the most common cancer to affect women? They say the benefits of mammography are smaller in younger women. I was 43 when I was diagnosed. Mine was not found via mammogram, I found it myself. It was over 2cm and it was classified as aggressive. By finding it early, it had not had the chance to spread to my lymph nodes and I get to be alive.

My concern with waiting until the age of 50 is that people will think that breast cancer isn't something to worry about until you turn 50. But the fact is, cancers found in younger women are more aggressive. If those women who are carrying around breast cancer without knowing it waited until they were 50, they then have to battle late stage cancer instead of early stage cancer.

These guidelines are based on the fact that most women are not at high risk for breast cancer. Well, thank goodness for that and it would certainly be a good point if most breast cancer patients were people who had a family history. But in truth, 70-80% of women diagnosed with breast cancer have NO FAMILY HISTORY! Less than 10% of people diagnosed with cancer have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation that predisposes them to breast and/or ovarian cancer. That leaves a huge amount of women who have no reason to believe that they will get cancer, but will.

One of the reasons for the guidelines is that mammograms don't always find cancer and neither do self exams. OK, I'll agree with that. If there was a better tool to replace these two, then I would say definitely tell people to not have mammograms until they are 50 and go with the new tool. But there isn't a better tool, so why take away the one that we have, even if it is flawed?

I will continue to tell everyone I know to have mammograms every year starting at age 40 and earlier if you have family history. I know too many amazing women who have been diagnosed in their late 30's and early 40's to be able to hide under a rock and pretend that it doesn't happen. It does. Let's not give people the idea that if you don't worry about it until you are 50 years old, it won't happen to you.

The new guidelines say that the benefit to younger women is small. Well I'm one of those younger women, and my life is worth the benefit.

Days of Freedom

2009-11-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

It is funny how certain dates stick with you and others don't. I knew today was November 13th and kept thinking that it was a significant day (other than being Friday the 13th) but couldn't think of why until I went back and looked at my calendar for last year.

November 13 2008 was my first day of freedom. November 12th marked my last day of radiation treatment and November 13th was the first day in over 8 months that I wasn't taking action against cancer or recovering from taking action. I didn't have any appointments, no doctors, no check-ups, no dressing rooms, no hospital gowns, no drugs, no needles, no lab work, no nurses, no techs, no pain.

I remember clearly going to a meeting at work that day and having my then boss tell everyone that I successfully completed all of my treatments for cancer and having everyone in the room be happy for me. They couldn't have been any happier than I was that I got to have my life back. I recall beaming and smiling at the recognition for having made it through this particular life challenge.

The radiation techs even gave me a certificate to commemorate the day:

CERTIFICATE OF MERIT AND APPRECIATION

Be it declared that Tracy Kudrna has completed the prescribed course of Radiation Therapy with the highest degree of courage, determination and good nature.

Radiation very likely saved my life. Though I was happy to be done, I am eternally grateful for the compassion and patience shown to me by the doctors, nurses and techs at the radiation center. They gave me back my freedom.

Aging Gracefully?

2009-11-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

I had the chance to go on a field trip for my niece today with my sister and the babies. I haven't been on a pre-school field trip for a long time so it was very fun to be around a bunch of excited 4 year olds. As we were walking out, my niece's teacher says to another little girl-"Go ahead and follow Ellie's grandma" meaning me. Ummm.....Grandma?? Ouch.

When you are told that you are going to have to have chemo and lose your hair, there is a certain amount of vanity that you have to let go of and deal with the fact that you are not going to look the same as you did before. But here's the thing...I wasn't thrilled to lose my hair at all, but once I did, I was actually pretty happy with my head and how I looked. I felt like all through chemo, besides looking a bit pale, I was looking OK.

Now that my hair is growing back and I am healthy, I have been under the illusion that I was looking pretty good. I am 44, I have decent skin with not very much wrinkling, dark brown hair-no gray, I am relatively fit. I don't wear mom jeans, I try to stay up on fashion. I mean really....grandma?? Not that there aren't 44 year old grandmas, there are, but hopefully none of them have children that are my sister's age.

My sister is 39 years old which means if this woman truly thought I was her mother, then she thought I was at least 59, 60? My own mother is a very young looking 65 and my grandmother is a very young looking 85. While they are both lovely and young looking, I'm not entirely sure I want to be thought of as the same age. And while my sister is beautiful and wonderful, I can't in all honesty say I would mistake her for someone who is 23 or 24 with a 44 year old mother.

Have I just been so happy to be healthy that I didn't realize that I look much older than I am? Did I really go from looking 43 before diagnosis to looking 59 after?? What a blow to the ego that is. Now what? I guess I need to start taking a hard look at how I appear to other people and what I am doing to stay healthy. Or maybe I just say this woman is not especially observant and clearly spends too much time around 3 and 4 year olds. Maybe I just shoot daggers at her until she realizes that not only am I only 44 years old, I am still young enough to take her out in the parking lot and teach her a lesson!

Broken Hearted

2009-10-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

My cousin Jeff and his lovely wife Rachel lost their beautiful baby girl this week before they even had a chance to know her. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Rest in peace sweet girl.

25 Things about Me

2009-10-21T00:27:00.000-07:00

This "25 things about me" list has been around for awhile, but it is still fun to do. Here are my 25 random things.

1) Though I will listen to almost any music, I HATE country music. When I hear that twang, it makes my skin crawl.

2) I have never found a cheese I don't like and if I thought my digestive tract and my waistline would put up with it, I would become the world's first cheesatarian.

3) When I was 15 years old, I was "banned" from my best friend Shannon, for being a bad influence on her. I think there may have been some confusion about who was leading who down the wrong path. Almost 30 years later she is still my best friend.

4) I met my husband while working in Portland and after a series of conversations found out that he was likely a counselor at a camp I attended when I was in 5th grade---eeewww!

5) In 2000, I traveled to China with my grandmother and had the chance to see the Terra Cotta Soldiers in Xian. It remains one of the most amazing things I have ever had the privilege to see.

6) I have one of the longest college careers in history. I started college right out of high school, but due to jobs that required travel and a lack of funds, it ended up taking me 20 years to finish my undergraduate degree and another 3 to finish my graduate degree. 23 years of college has got to be some kind of record.

7) For my last class in my last quarter of graduate school I went to Italy for 3 weeks. My final grade depended in part on working with a restaurant to develop, eat and share a 6 course Italian dinner. Tough job-but someone had to do it!

8) I am distantly related to Ripley of Ripley's Believe it Or Not

9) I share a birthday with Albert Einstein. I like to think that I take after him in brains and not hair style.

10) I have only one good party trick. All of my fingers are double jointed and I can bend my fingers backward at a 90 degree angle to my hand. I never knew this was abnormal until I was an adult.

11) When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband wanted to find out the sex of the baby. I told him that he could find out if he liked, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would never produce anything but girls. I have two daughters.

12) I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that my sister would only ever produce boys. She has 3 girls. Something went amiss with this theory.

13) I will eat popcorn as a meal at least once a week.

14) I love reality TV. I like anything that shows people chasing and reaching their dreams.

15) In her 20's, my sister jumped out of a plane. It made me wonder if we were really from the same gene pool. There is NOTHING that would make me jump out of a perfectly good plane, unless it was on fire.

16) One of the first songs that my children learned from me was the Oscar Meyer B-O-L-O-G-N-A song.

17) My first car was a green Vega. I plan to print out a picture of it and show it to my children when they start asking for their first car.

18) Both my mother and my sister have a green thumb. Mine is decidely black.

19) I worked for Nordstrom for 16 years and STILL miss my employee discount.

20) I am a Pisces-a sign that is supposed to be creative. I can barely draw a straight line.

21) I once cut my foot on coral while snorkeling in Hawaii and was convinced that I was going to be eaten by a shark while bleeding in the water.

22) I should have been born during the depression-I love a full pantry and freezer. I could feed 20 people at a moment's notice any day of the week.

23) My children are the greatest gift I have ever received.

24) Every animal I have ever had has had a people name, not an animal name...until my husband adopted and named a stray cat-her name is Zingo. My other animals? Lola and Mimi.

25) Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. At the time I was diagnosed, the 25 things about me would have all had to do with cancer. This year I am a survivor and out of 25 things, only one has to do with cancer-and it gets bottom billing.

Dropping in for a visit

2009-10-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed, I searched and searched for information. Beyond medical information, I really wanted to know what to expect, what it was like to have cancer. I started looking for breast cancer blogs and found that there are thousands of them. It is because of one that I found that I decided to start my own. It is a unique way to share information with people near and far.

I originally started my blog with the intention of keeping my friends and family informed. What I didn't expect was that people from all over the world would find my blog and find it helpful and informative.

Kara, aka Foob Babe, is one of those people who found my blog at some time doing her own research. She is a survivor as well and writes her own very informative blog about her own cancer journey.

She has started a separate blog, <Incredible Women
and has decided that in October she would like to feature different people with different viewpoints of breast cancer. I am thrilled and honored that she has asked me to be one of the people that she is featuring. I will be dropping in for a visit tomorrow (October 21, 2009). I hope you will drop in and visit Kara's website as well. Thank you Kara. You are an incredible woman.

Information Unleashed

2009-10-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

In general, I think I do a pretty good job of staying informed about the latest in breast cancer research as well as in my own personal cancer journey. There is information that I have about my own diagnosis such as my prognosis, the survivability rate, etc that I don't particularly like, but I have them.

When I was first diagnosed, I chose to take an Oncotype test that is pretty darn reliable at indicating recurrence rates in breast cancer patients. It is a simple test and in some cases it is used to determine if people are a good candidate for chemotherapy. In my case, my pathology report came back saying that my diagnosis was a Grade 3 out of 3 which is aggressive so my doctor agreed to the test, but indicated that she would be VERY surprised if it came back with a low score.

The test results take several weeks and come by mail. I got my big white envelope in the mail and found that I couldn't open it. Though I knew that my cancer was aggressive and that there was no chance I was going to avoid chemotherapy, I found that I couldn't deal with an actual number saying I had x% chance of recurrence. I know roughly what my chances are of a recurrence, but didn't want to carry a number around in my head.

I gave the envelope to my oncologist, told her I didn't want to know what was in it, but wanted to know if we were on the right path as far as chemo, radiation etc. She said we were definitely on the right path and that the oncotype score did not change our treatment plan at all.

Yesterday I went in for a regular check up with my oncologist and asked her about having my ovaries removed. There are several reasons for this, mostly to keep the estrogen level in my body down, but also to decrease my chances of developing ovarian cancer. We talked about the pros and cons of having it done and I asked her if I should be doing it earlier than later. She answered that there was no need for me to do it right now, although with such a high oncotype score I should plan to do it at some point. Wait. Stop. "High Oncotype score?" I literally felt my head pop out of the sand.

She did not tell me my actual number so I still don't have to carry a number around in my head, but I do now have to carry that "High Oncotype score" in my head and try to figure out what to do with it. I like to tell myself that I am doing everything I can to keep my recurrence rate down, but that isn't entirely true. I am still not getting enough exercise and I am still carrying around some extra weight. These are two of the easiest things a woman can do to reduce her risk and I am still at an increased risk. I also now have to wonder if my treatment was aggressive enough. I had 4 rounds of chemo-the minimum amount that anyone has. While I certainly didn't want to do more, I thought it was enough. Now I don't know if I have done everything I could.

Information is powerful. Sometimes too powerful.

National Mammography Day

2009-10-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

October gets the honor of celebrating Columbus Day and also Halloween. While my kids would argue that Halloween is the most important day of October (and maybe even the year), I would argue against that.

Tomorrow, October 16th is National Mammography day. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I obviously know the importance of mammograms but didn't have any idea that there was a day dedicated to a test. I did a bit of poking around and found out that President Clinton first proclaimed the third Friday in October of every year as National Mammography Day back in 1993.

So when should you have a mammogram? The standard answer is once every 12 months once you turn 40. However, if you have any breast cancer history in your family you should start getting annual mammograms when you are 10 years younger than your youngest relative at the time of diagnosis. I was diagnosed at 43, my daughters will need to start getting mammograms at 33 years old.

I think to say once a year is confusing. Once a year doesn't mean you can have a mammogram in January of 2008 and then December of 2009. It means every 12 months. I had just had one in December 2007 just 5 months before my diagnosis. While there was nothing found in that mammogram, all of my doctors looked back at all of my mammogram films to see if there was anything that was missed.

I had mine in September of 2009. I have another one scheduled in March of 2010 because I need to get them every 6 months.

Have you scheduled yours? If so, congratulations. If not, walk away from the computer, pick up the phone and do it now. I'll wait.

Did you do it? Good. Early detection saves lives. Don't forget it.

1st Order of Business

2009-10-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it, I am a little behind on filtering through the junk piles at home. With two kids, it just seems like the junk piles tend to multiply. Could they possibly bring home more paper and projects from school??

I hate to admit it, but just today I went through a pile of papers that came home with Darci in June on the last day of school. Most of it will be heaped into the recycle bin, but some things are special. Apparently at the beginning of the year, the kids were asked to write a letter to their new teacher telling them a little bit about themselves, what they wanted to accomplish during the year, goals etc. This is how the beginning of Darci's looks.

Dear Mr. L.

The first order of business is that my mom has been going through chemo all summer and now will be doing radiation. The next thing you should know is that I play soccer and have practices twice a week and games on Saturday.....

I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I think it definitely reflects that the most important thing going on in her life is what was happening to her mother at the time, but I love that it gets the same attention as the fact that she plays soccer.

I unfortunately know several kids in this general age group who have parents who have been or are currently fighting cancer. I don't know how they are all handling it, but I think there is a certain resiliency to kids that as parents we don't always give them credit for. I know when I was diagnosed, my first thoughts were about how it was going to affect my children, would I die and leave my children, how would my children deal with their mother losing their hair, etc, etc, etc.

As I always say, I am utterly amazed by my children. While I was absolutely consumed by the fact that I had cancer, I am glad to know that my daughter was taking it in stride along with the other stresses in her life. It was just a small blip on her radar. While I know that my girls are at an increased risk for breast cancer and that they will eventually have to deal with that knowledge, I think I am glad to know that maybe this will all just become a distant memory for them.

Kudos also to the teacher who wrote a note back to her that was very sweet. It said that he had gone through something similar with his mother and if she ever needed to talk about anything, he was there for her. I don't know if she took him up on it, but I'm glad that she was in a place both physically and mentally where she felt comfortable and supported.

Damn Boobs

2009-10-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

October has been deemed Breast Cancer Awareness month. In a month that used to be all orange and black for Halloween, now everything is pink. Pink at the grocery store, at the gas station, on our soup cans, our kitchen gadgets, I even saw pink on the football uniforms of the Seattle Seahawks yesterday! It is all a little crazy sometimes to see so much pink, even for a breast cancer survivor such as myself. But it is still a good cause and there are lots of ways to help make a difference.

When I did the 3 day walk, I found that one of the walkers on my team had lost a good friend to breast cancer and had started a line of clothing in her honor. You can read Trisha's story about how the company and the company name came to be here The entire team honored her memory by wearing one of these shirts for the 2nd day of the walk. They definitely get a lot of attention and if you want to have a little fun with this pink month, these t-shirts and hats are a good way to do it. Trisha donates a percentage of her proceeds to breast cancer research so the money all goes to a good cause. Go check out Damn Boobs for yourself! I have a DamnBoobs tanktop and I know she has men's shirts as well. If you don't see what you are looking for on her website, drop her an email and ask if she has. I'll bet she can find you exactly what you are looking for so you can be in the Pink!

What Cancer Looks Like

2009-10-02T08:56:00.001-07:00

I spent this last weekend in Las Vegas with an amazing group of breast cancer survivors. Besides my friend Kristina, I had never met any of these women before. I found them on an online forum for breast cancer survivors; www.breastcancer.org

I didn't know what to expect but was surprised and thrilled to learn that these women were just like me. They have families and children and jobs, and they have cancer. We had so much fun together, laughing and dancing and being together celebrating the fact that we are all survivors.

From these people I learned some new words to describe cancer and its survivors:

Young, strong, hopeful, amazing, courageous, attitude, faith, beautiful, genuine, knowledgable, realistic, incredible.

Take a look at this photo. Breast cancer is not just your mother's disease. I think if you look hard enough, you will find reflections of yourself in the faces of these amazing women. The youngest member of this group is 31 years old, the oldest 50. We all face recurrence concerns, survivability concerns, subsequent health concerns, but each and every one of these women has taken their health care by the horns and is doing everything in their power to keep cancer at bay.

I am thrilled and honored to have been part of this group and look forward to doing it again for years and years to come.

Happy Dance

2009-09-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for a mammogram. This is the second mammogram that I have had since I finished treatment almost exactly one year ago. It is the first mammogram since I had my reduction and lift in June. I was a little bit nervous that after my most recent surgery there would be too much scar tissue to get an accurate reading. I was also somewhat concerned that it would be uncomfortable as I still have some tenderness where my surgical scars are.

Not only were the images easier to read (less tissue), they were all clean and clear! Nothing even remotely suspicious in my films!!

I was also happy to be told that most of my tissue is fatty tissue (sometimes fat is good) which is easier to read on film and is an indication that my estrogen levels are decreasing (good for me when my diagnosis was estrogen receptor positive-I want as little estrogen in my body as possible).

I have been doing a happy dance all day long! I will go back in 6 months and every 6 months for the next 3 years. I don't like having my breasts squashed down anymore than anyone else, but I would go in every month if I had to just to make sure everything looked clean and clear.

Ahhh, big sigh of relief!

Reflections on a Walk

2009-09-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well I did it. I completed this year's Susan G. Komen 3 Day walk. I have not had any type of shoes on except for flip flops since Sunday and have taken advantage of a quiet house to put my feet up and recuperate.

The organization provides cheering locations so that friends and family can come and cheer the walkers on. On Day 2 my wonderful husband and children waited 4 hours just so they could cheer me on. I started to cry as soon as I saw them running to me. After the initial hugging and hello's, my youngest daughter asked me if I was going to do it again next year. A bit like asking someone who is in labor if they are going to have more children, but here are my thoughts on that question:

Cons of the walk:

-9 long months of fund-raising
-9 long months of training
-3 full days away from my family
-1 very large time commitment
-Sunburned cheeks
-Sore muscles
-Several (and I do mean several) trips to the medical tent
-Loss of one toenail
-Blisters
-Blisters
-Blisters

While the first day was full of emotion and uplifting spirit, by the second day I was seriously wondering who had come up with this cruel and unusual punishment. Several blisters decided to make an appearance and each and every step of the 21.6 miles that were included in the second day were painful. My good humor and positive attitude were diminishing quickly. When I saw a sign that said "No Whining" I had to quit talking because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Pros of the Walk

-Being part of the opening and closing ceremonies
-Meeting other survivors
-Seeing the amazing dedication of the walkers
-Being part of a truly inspiring team
-Walking with my sister who means the world to me
-Walking with my friend Matt, one of the finest people on the planet
-Being pampered and spoiled by the entire 3 day crew from the people helping us cross streets to the angels disguised as medical volunteers in the medical tents
-Looking out into the crowd during opening and closing ceremonies and seeing the smiles and the tears of my teammates, friends and family
-Seeing the incredible community support in the way of stickers, water, cheers, food (and more food)
-Feeling supported in every way
-Raising over 8200.00 personally
-Raising over 137,000.00 as a team
-Raising over 5.5 million as a community

I had a couple of defining moments throughout the walk that I wasn't expecting.

1. On day 2 when my feet were well past cooperating and it was 86 degrees and I didn't know if I could take another step, a stranger stepped off of the sidelines and asked if he could throw away my garbage-a cup that I was carrying. I teared up because someone who didn't know anything about me was willing to do something as menial as throw my garbage out for me so that I could continue putting one foot in front of another.

2. At the end of day 2 when we had 2 miles left to go, I realized that I just couldn't do it. I thought that I wanted to complete the entire 60 miles without having to take one of the many shuttle vans that were available. I took the van for the last 2 miles and realized that I didn't feel an ounce of guilt about it. There is nothing heroic in torturing myself. I realized that my success was not defined by the ability to walk 60 miles, nor was it defined by doing it in the fastest time possible. It was defined by the fact that I raised money for a cause that is immensely important to me.

3. On day 3 I saw a small pink sign stuck in the grass of someone's yard that gave me the reason why it was all worth it. It said this:

My Grandma thanks you for walking
Stage 4
Still Fighting

So will I do it again? My feet will pipe up with a resounding "NO!" but my head and heart will supercede my feet and say yes. There is still work to be done. People are still being diagnosed with cancer every day. 1 in 8 women. That is just too many. I will sign up for 2010 and do it all again-hopefully without blisters.

Thank you to my Grandma, my cousin Dale, friends Mary Kay, Annie, Jill, Paul, Tara, Robert, Marcia, Terry, Tristi, Shannon, Mike, Bailey, Kylie, Connor, Taryn, Jim, Heidi, Grace (and Coco), my husband and my daughters for coming out to cheer us on. Can I count on you again next year??

2 more days

2009-09-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Well it is almost here. The Seattle Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk is almost here. I looked back at my donations and realized that I registered for this walk in January. I have spent 9 months working to raise money for breast cancer research. 9 months is a long time to spend on something. It is the amount of time it takes to produce a baby! It is also the amount of time that I spent treating my own cancer...surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation.

I have been asked to be a flag-bearer in the opening and closing ceremonies in the Survivor Circle. I have been given the COURAGE flag to carry. It is an incredible honor to be asked to participate and I am thrilled to have the Courage flag. There are many characteristics needed to battle cancer; faith, strength, hope, patience, and courage.

3 days will be difficult, but if it can prevent someone else from spending 9 months or longer fighting cancer, then it will be worth it.

Catch a Cure for Cancer

2009-09-01T13:41:00.001-07:00

"When cancer is discovered at an early stage, nearly every patient is cured while the opposite is true for cancer detected at a late stage. The Hutch will lead the way in early detection. We have a terrific group of very talented scientists who are international leaders in research on early cancer detection."
- Lee Hartwell, Ph.D., President & Director,
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.

This morning I went to a local radio station to be interviewed. My story will be part of a radiothon on September 16th that the Moyer Foundation puts on to raise funds for the early detection of cancer.

While I was honored to be asked to do it and to participate, the most poignant part of the interview was having my girls there with me. They were asked to be part of the interview as well and I couldn't have been prouder of their poise and maturity.

When I found out that the interview would take place with all 3 of us in the same room, I was worried. Not worried that the girls couldn't handle themselves, but worried that I couldn't. Though I can speak to my own cancer story without getting overly emotional, it is a completely different story to listen to my children tell it from their perspective. It makes me sad that they had to go through this cancer experience at such a young age and in such close proximity. It also makes me proud that they handled themselves throughout the entire diagnosis, surgeries and treatment with such grace and understanding.

I am blessed to have such wonderful children and I am glad to be able to share them with the world so that they can tell their story. If anything can make people understand how difficult cancer is, it is hearing it from the perspective of a child.

I am happy to say I did not cry in the interview. At least not on the outside.

Medium

2009-08-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Medium: def: A middle state or condition, about halfway in between extremes.

I am not a large framed person. I have relatively small bones but am pretty average in size. I am 5'6 and though am carrying 15-20 extra pounds of weight that I would like to get rid of, am relatively well proportioned for my size.

I have spent the majority of my adult life shopping for clothes in the Large or Extra Large section of the clothing racks. Not because I am necessarily a large or extra large person, but because my chest was significantly larger than the rest of my body.

Maybe this wouldn't have bothered me if I had always considered myself a large person, but that is not the case. I was always the smallest person in my class when I was in school-you know, the one who always had to be at the end of the line in pictures to make the picture look right? I was the smallest person all the way through high school and even after that into adulthood.

Somehow when I turned into an adult, my chest not only caught up with me, but surpassed the rest of my body. Having breast cancer is not the way that I planned to change my bust size at all. However, that is exactly what happened. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a lumpectomy and ended up being non-symmetrical. I chose to have a breast reduction on both sides after I completed all of my treatment.

I recently had to order a t-shirt for the 3 day walk and tried on the sizes to see what t-shirt size I should order. The size I ordered? Medium. Perfect!

Why Worry?

2009-08-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same"

My sister is doing the 3 day walk with me in September. Though she is looking forward to it, she is very worried. She was concerned that she wouldn't be able to raise 2300.00-she has. Now she is concerned that she won't be able to complete the walk. She told me recently that she is having those pre-wedding type dreams where you arrive completely unprepared.

We had someone who has walked in the event before tell us that it was the best 3 days of her life and the worst 3 days of her life. My sister is concerned not about it being the best 3 days, but about it being the worst.

Physically and mentally I think it will be a difficult 3 days. I think it will be difficult to see the amount of people affected by breast cancer and I think it will be difficult to walk 20 miles for 3 days in a row. Will it be the worst 3 days of my life? Not a chance.

The worst 3 days of my life have been the day my dad died, the day my sister delivered and lost her first baby and the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Physically the worst 3 days of my life have been the day I gave birth to my first daughter, the day after I had a titanium plate and 9 screws placed in my wrist and day 4 after my first round of chemo.

The first oncologist that I spoke to after being diagnosed told me that many women find they become stronger people after being diagnosed with cancer. My instinct at the time was to tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, but maybe he was right. It hasn't occurred to me once to be worried about the 3 day. I wasn't worried about the fundraising (I am currently at 7400.00) and although I knew I needed to train to physically be able to walk 20 miles for 3 days in a row, it has never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to do it. I guess I am a stronger person than I thought I was.

My sister has had some extremely difficult days as well, both physically and emotionally. I have faith in me and I have faith in her as well. It will be a hard 3days but we can do it, I know it without any doubt. It will be 3 of our best days, not our worst.

Summertime

2009-07-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

We are having a heatwave in Seattle. It never gets above about 80 degrees here but for the past several days we have been in the high 90's, even hitting 100. We just aren't used to it here so we all complain that it is too hot and that it doesn't cool down at night. Our animals are listless and no one will even consider cooking. The plants are all drooping and the grass is turning brown.

All that being said, this summer has been fantastic. I can't help but comare it to last summer. I did my first chemo on July 9 and continued to do it every three weeks until September. I don't think it was this hot last summer, but I really don't remember because I spent a good majority of the summer sleeping on the couch or in bed. I also spent most of the summer wishing I could do more with my family. It's not that they weren't around-they were and they were very supportive, but all plans had to go through the chemo filter; was it a chemo week? Was I going to feel good enough to do anything? I was also working full time with intermittent leaves of absence for each round of chemo. Last summer, I just wanted my life back.

Yesterday was the perfect definition of having my life back. It was so hot in the house that by 10:00am we were all sweating. The girls and I decided to pack a cooler and head to the lake. Our neighborhood sits on this lake and we have a private park and beach access so there is no need to fight a crowd. We packed a lunch, took a big air mattress and some sunscreen and headed out to float. We played on the beach for awhile with my sister and her 3 daughters, then lathered ourselves in sunscreen and jumped on the air mattress. We floated the lake for several hours, jumping in occasionally to cool off.

When Larry came home, he joined us at the lake. We had a chance to catch up with some neighbors who were also there and to cool off. We came home and barbecued some burgers and sat outside to eat. It was too hot to go back in the house so we stayed outside playing cards with the girls until we could no longer see the cards. I love my life-heatwave or no heatwave, and I am extremely grateful to have it back.

Raising the Roof and Raising Funds

2009-07-26T23:38:00.001-07:00

Last night our 3 day team had a fundraising event. There were survivor type games, a silent auction, a casino, horseshoe tournament and raffles. This was no quiet, meek crowd-this party was hopping all day and night! The party was at our team captain's house and while there was plenty of drinking, horseplay and general rowdiness, none of us forgot for one second why we were there. We were there to raise money to fight breast cancer.

Fundraising comes in all shapes and colors. Some people send personalized letters, some do bake sales and car washes and some throw a party. We threw a party and it was a heck of a good one. Our little party out in the middle of nowhere raised over$15,000.00! As a team we are now at a little over $112,000.00 with 52 members going strong.

With dedication and support like what I witnessed last night, breast cancer doesn't stand a chance. It is going to have a brief, miserable life.

Thank you to everyone who donated or contributed in any way to last night's fundraiser. I can't wait until the day when we throw a party not to raise money but to celebrate the demise of breast cancer.

In Good Hands

2009-07-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

Albert B. Einstein Jr

The original Einstein

Today I went in for a 3 month checkup with my oncologist. Though I have always been happy with the care that I have received at Swedish Hospital, I really did not want to be there today. I just didn't. I am enjoying being part of the land of the healthy. I didn't want to be sitting there with people who are bald and sick and waiting to go through chemo. That isn't where my head is at these days. I didn't want to have my blood drawn or get on a scale, I didn't want to be poked and prodded and I wasn't excited about having my second Zometa infusion. I wanted to be at home enjoying the warm weather.

My oncologist is not only a fabulous doctor (one of the top 3 in Seattle) she is also very similar to me. She is my age, she has two children and she is a breast cancer survivor. I was lamenting to her about not wanting to come in today. She laughed and said that she has learned to not take it personally that people really don't look forward to seeing her. She also said that in her own cancer journey, she really doesn't want to go see her oncologist either.

The appointment went well and she doesn't want to see me for another 3 months. The zometa infusion was also uneventful. I can expect to not feel well tomorrow, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is not the case.

I had to have my doctor sign a medical waiver for me to be able to walk in this year's 3 day walk. Per the 3 day guidelines it has to be on official letterhead. My doctor gave me her blessing to walk and wrote it out on her letterhead, which I did not look through until after my Zometa infusion. The official letterhead has a list of all of the doctors that are in the cancer institute. At the very top? Executive Director-Albert B. Einstein Jr. It made me laugh. Albert Einstein and I share a birthday so I have always had a connection to him. I guess if Albert Einstein can spend his time at Swedish Hospital, I can do it too. I am in good hands.

2009-07-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange how as you get older, your memory sometimes isn't as clear as it used to be? If you asked me what I had for lunch yesterday, I probably couldn't tell you. I don't remember it because it wasn't particularly significant. Why is it then that when I woke up this morning the first thing I thought about is that it is July 9th and last year this was the first day of chemo?

I really don't spend all of my time thinking about cancer anymore. I used to, but now I think about other things and getting on with my life. But today I remembered the feelings that were there on July 9th of last year. Dread, fear, anxiety, denial. I kept thinking that someone would tell me during that day that it was all a mistake and I really didn't have cancer and I really didn't need to do chemo.

I kissed my children goodbye without tears but when the babysitter walked me out to the door I started to cry. I'm not sure why-she is a 17 year old girl who definitely had no concept of what I was going to endure that day. She is a family friend though and maybe the tears were because I wanted to be the one that stayed there with my girls. I didn't want to have to have a babysitter to go do something that I was dreading.

Today Larry and I are leaving to go away for the weekend with 5 other couples. We have been doing this trip for 14 years with the same group of people. It is a weekend where we laugh our heads off for 4 days and I am very much looking forward to it. Some of the best memories of my life are from these trips. Maybe I will have a toast tonight to surviving through chemo. Maybe I will toast to having such great friends. Maybe I will toast to having memories-both good and bad.

Clean as a Whistle

2009-07-03T09:12:00.001-07:00

It has been nearly a month since my surgery. I am feeling pretty good although still have a good amount of swelling and a part of a scar that is not cooperating as much as my doctor would like. Overall though, I would call my surgery a success. I am a much more comfortable size and am back to being symmetrical.

Since I have been diagnosed with cancer before, anytime I have any type of surgery on my breasts, the tissue must go to pathology to be tested. I knew that this was the case and it has definitely caused me just a tiny bit of concern. While I have been physically healing, I continued to have this little nagging thought in the back of my mind that the pathology reports might come back with news that I didn't want to hear.

I hadn't heard anything from my oncologist who received the report so I just kept telling myself that no news must be good news, but I finally called and asked to have an official report. Her nurse called me yesterday to tell me that my pathology report came back clean as a whistle. No sign of cancer in any of the breast tissue that was removed.

Both Larry and I nearly cried when we heard. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on both of us that there was still an unknown. I have an MRI and a mammogram later this month as part of my preventative maintenance plan. For the first and probably only time, I will go into them calmly and without worry.

Through Her Eyes

2009-06-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

It is the last week of school for my children which means they have been bringing home all of the "valuable junk" that they have in thier lockers and their desks. While most of it is truly junk, I found a collection of poems that Cailey wrote for an assignment. One of them brought me to tears.

The phone rings loudly
My mom answers it quickly
My mom has Cancer

Cailey was the only person at home with me when I got that call from my doctor telling me that I had cancer. I cried so hard that I couldn't talk to her to tell her what was wrong. She immediately went into action and grabbed the phone and asked me who she should call. In the end, she called my sister as my husband was on a bike ride without his phone. It was Cailey that had to sit with me during the initial shock.

I have worried about how my having been diagnosed with cancer would affect my kids and for the most part I think they are pretty grounded and well-adjusted.

What I didn't realize though is that the moment when I received that phone call is so vividly imprinted in her head. Just one moment, that is all it took.

I hope to imprint many happy memories over the top of that one. As always, I am humbled by the compassion, love and inner beauty of my children.

Shower

2009-06-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

I am fully aware that I chose to have this most recent surgery and that many people are in a position of requiring surgery instead of electing to do so. I know all of that and I also know that there is a certain amount of recovery time needed for any type of surgery. I also know that I am lucky to have only minor pain and some swelling to contend with.

What I do still have to contend with though is stitches and surgical dressing which means I do not get to shower until they are gone! There is a certain appeal to not showering for one day and lounging around in your pajamas and I did that for a day or two. But besides taking shallow/sponge baths and having my kids wash my hair for me, I have not taken a shower for over a week. It is starting to drive me crazy.

This is a good lesson for me-note to self: Never agree to sign up for the Survivor Reality Show where you can't shower for a month.

Overall, I am happy with the surgery and the results. I have a slight concern about the amount of fluid I still have on my right side but the rest seems like normal swelling to me. I am glad to be done with surgeries for quite awhile.

I am happy, but can a girl just take a shower already??

3 Day Expo

2009-06-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Today I have been asked to sit on a panel to discuss fundraising ideas for the 3 Day event. The expo is at Shoreline Community College. I am honored to be asked. I have raised 6850.00 so far and still have until September to continue to raise money. I hope to be able to take advantage of everything the expo has to offer and if I can offer up an idea or two to others in their fundraising efforts-even better.

My grandmother is going with me to the expo. I am thrilled that she wants to see what the hoopla is all about!

Back in the Saddle

2009-06-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Surgery went quite well. I ended up staying one night in the hospital for no real reason except so my surgeon could change my dressings in the morning. I am definitely swollen and have many colorful bruises, but have been off of pain medication since Sunday and feeling not bad. No surgeries are fun, and this one is no exception. Because tissue was taken out, I have to be wrapped to keep the swelling down. Mostly this makes me feel like a human sausage, but that is what I signed up for. I go in tomorrow for my post op appointment so will have a chance to actually see the results.

I am on the mend and I thank everyone for their good wishes.

Under the knife

2009-06-04T11:23:00.001-07:00

The weather has been so incredibly beautiful and I have been able to spend time working in our yard. It is nice to be feeling back to normal so I have the energy to do so.

It is that part that makes me a little anxious about tomorrow's surgery. I have been feeling really great for several months now as far as my energy, strength etc and I hate to give that up again. But I will do it anyway.

Tomorrow I will go back in to Swedish for some reconstructive surgery. Because I had a lumpectomy and the amount of tissue they removed was pretty large, I am not very symmetrical currently. I have three choices to deal with this; 1)live with it, 2)get an implant on the left side to match the right side, 3)Reduce the size of the right one to match the left one. I have chosen option 3. I have been large breasted since high school and previous to all of this breast cancer mess had thought seriously about doing a breast reduction. I will have a reduction on both sides so that I am symmetrical and smaller.

There are definitely risks to this surgery as the left side has been radiated and radiated skin and tissue sometimes have a difficult time healing. Radiated tissue also develops into scar tissue so most of what is there currently is scar tissue which could make the actual procedure more difficult for the surgeon.

I am not at all looking forward to having to face recovery from more surgery, but I'm hoping this will be my last one for quite awhile. I am however looking forward to having a cup size that is closer to the beginning of the alphabet and having two breasts that are the same size and shape.

Because I have had cancer, all tissue removed will go to pathology. This of course scares the daylights out of me to think that they might find something that I am currently unaware of, but I think it will also be good to make sure there truly is no cancer left. I will keep my fingers crossed that they will find just plain, boring tissue.

My friend Michael went under the knife this week for oral cancer and my friend Ankie will go under the knife one more time on June 11th for breast cancer. Cancer is definitely keeping the surgeons busy! I am thankful that my surgery is elective and that I can say this will be the last one. I look forward to the day that the three of us can celebrate our victories.

Ups and Downs

2009-05-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was asked to walk a Survivor's Lap in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life of Kent. It is the survivors that start the relay for the participants. I was honored to be able to walk with all the other purple-shirt wearing survivors. The survivors come in all shapes and sizes. There are grandparents, teenagers and everything in between. There was even a beautiful little 2 year old girl who was diagnosed at 11 weeks of age.

I am glad that I was able to participate. It was uplifting to see all of the survivors and to know that people really can win the battle. It was also wonderful to see all of the teams who have invested so much time and effort into fundraising and who are willing to camp in the middle of a football field in order to show the degree to which they support cancer research.

When I was first diagnosed in May of last year, I had two friends who had been diagnosed before me. Marty Hauer and Michael Cranstoun. We were all diagnosed with different types of cancer, at different stages and with different treatment plans, but somehow I still had this mental image of the 3 of us in the fight against cancer together. Unfortunately, Marty lost his fight and passed away in June. He was a true hero and left a beautiful wife and two wonderful children behind. Last night at the Relay event, I saw his wife and daughter. It is only the second time that I have seen them since he passed away. Though I was thrilled to see them, I was extremely saddened by the fact that cancer took away one of the truly great people in the world.

I also saw Michael and his family there. His church has been extremely supportive of his journey and had a team of walkers at the event. Michael has a type of oral cancer that was completely unexpected. He does not have a family history of the disease and is not and has never been a tobacco user. He finished chemo and radiation just before I started last year and has been supportive and a good friend to me ever since.

I was happy to see Michael, his lovely wife and two great children there walking and helping to find a cure for cancer. I was saddened however to learn that what Michael suspected was a recurrence was confirmed. Not surprisingly, he has a range of emotions to go along with this diagnosis. I have a range of emotions for him as well; anger, fear, disbelief, but also hope, gratitude that he has such an amazing support system with his friends, family and church and maybe just a tiny bit of something close to relief. Not relief that his cancer has returned, but relief that someone finally diagnosed it correctly. It is never good to get a cancer diagnosis. But there is something to be said for knowing which dragon you must slay so you can properly prepare for the fight.

As darkness came last night, the participants lit luminarias that completely surrounded the field. Though it was a beautiful tribute to those who have lost their battle, those who have won their battle and those who continue to fight their battle, it was heartbreaking to have a visual reminder of how many people have had their lives in the balance because of cancer.

In the stands, the luminarias spelled out two words: HOPE and CURE. In memory of Marty, for Michael, for me and everyone else who is battling or has battled cancer, I will continue to hope for a cure. Maybe next year we can add another word....NOW.

I have included a link to Michael's blog to the left. I'm praying for you Michael.

May 28th Again

2009-05-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

May 28th 2008. My husband drove me to the hospital. My parents were there when we arrived. It was their 25th wedding anniversary and instead of being out celebrating, they were at the hospital with me. There were two opposing emotions going on that day for me....fear and relief. I have never been so scared in my life as I was when I found out I had cancer. There was exactly 21 days between my diagnosis and my surgery to remove the tumor. They were by far, the worst 21 days of my life. The fear for me during those three weeks was something that was so heavy and real, I could feel it as a physical weight. It stopped me from being able to breathe and I had to constantly remind myself to do so. I had to be reminded to eat because I didn't recognize hunger anymore. I spent every minute of every day worrying about leaving my children and family behind. Cancer kills people-this was all I could think about.

When I found a surgeon that came highly recommended to me, I called his receptionist and literally coerced her into putting me on his surgery schedule even before I met him. I wanted it done as soon as possible. I did not want to give it a chance to move or spread. I wanted it gone. Luckily for me, this great surgeon met me and allowed me to keep the surgery date that I had already put my name on. That date was May 28th.

I was scared, but I was so relieved to be able to take some kind of action to keep it from killing me. I knew that I would have to recover from surgery, and I knew that I would then have to do chemo and then radiation and that none of it would be enjoyable. But I couldn't do any of that without taking that first scary step.

On May 28th I had a lumpectomy and had 4 lymph nodes removed. 4 cancer-free lymph nodes. That night I stayed in the hospital-a place not known for allowing a good night's sleep, but sleep I did. I knew that I had a tough road ahead, but I also knew that I had taken action and I was on my way.

Today I found myself at Swedish Hospital again. I had a pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon, the one who will even me out and give me back some of what was taken from me. I told her that today was my 1 year anniversary from my lumpectomy and that it was strange to be back at the very same hospital. She is a breast cancer survivor as well. She said that many people tell her that the day of their surgery was the worst day of their lives and she tells them they are wrong, it was actually one of the best days of their lives. She's right. May 28th 2008 was the day my life was saved. May 28th 2009 is the 365th day that I am thankful for it.

Lazy Days

2009-05-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

When it is sunny in Seattle, there is nothing better. The sun has been shining for the last several days and we have been enjoying the long weekend. We have worked in the yard, barbecued wth friends, done a little shopping (gotta hit the holiday sales) and broken out the summer clothes. It has been a very carefree weekend.

Last year at this time, I had just taken my sister into emergency with kidney stones (she was 9 months pregnant with twins) and we were all worried about her health and the babies' health. I was also anxiously awaiting my lumpectomy. I remember not being able to enjoy the weekends at all leading up to my surgery because it felt like the only possible thing that could be happening on those days was that the cancer in my breast was growing by leaps and bounds. I could literally hear a tick, tick, tick in my head. A time bomb-that's what I was carrying around.

Last memorial day weekend was a soccer tournament for my daughter. I remember only one thing about that weekend and that was that my best friend Shannon drove from Portland and met me at the soccer fields so her daughter could spend a couple of days with us. I remember not knowing how to talk to her (a problem we have NEVER had) because there was so much to say and we were in a very public place. I knew that whatever words I said to her or she said to me were going to cause me to break down and cry which I didn't want to do on a day that should belong to my kids. Sadly, I do not remember one single thing about the soccer games-not who won, not who lost, not even if it was a good tournament----nothing.

One year later I am preparing to walk in the Seattle 3 day event and training every day. I am looking forward to my twin nieces first birthday (they were born on May 27-both small and premature, but perfectly healthy), my sister is fully recovered and I am preparing for another surgery. This one will be for reconstruction, mostly just making myself symetrical again and doing a little polishing up. While I was looking forward to last year's surgery, it was for a completely different reason. I wanted that cancer out of my body as quickly as possible. This time I am looking forward to the surgery for purely cosmetic reasons.

I am not taking for granted for one minute that I have the luxury of enjoying these lazy May days. I thank God I am able to do so and hope to enjoy many, many, many more.

PodCast Now Available

2009-05-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

The Podcast from the radio interview for the 3 Day walk is available now by following the link. It is quite a large file so will take some time to download. The interview itself was about a half an hour.

I feel so high-tech!

Turn on the Radio

2009-05-14T13:40:00.001-07:00

When I registered to do the Seattle 3 Day Walk I had the option of being an ambassador for the event. I checked the box and never thought anything else of it. This week, I got an email asking me if I would like to do a radio interview promoting the 3 day event.

I have never done a radio interview or any other type of public media interview, but what the heck....I have been putting my whole life out in the blogosphere for people to follow, it can't be that much different, right?

There is a group of radio stations here in Seattle that does an hour of Public Relations type content every week and for this week they wanted to focus on the Seattle 3 Day event.

I did the interview with another survivor who is also walking in the 3 day. It was good to have both of us there because we both have a different perspective. She has a family history of breast cancer, I do not. She was 29 when she was diagnosed, I was 43. She does not have children, I do. She has done the walk before, I have not.

Gary Shipe was the nice man who interviewed us and helped us to feel comfortable. He taped a full half an hour and filled the discussion with not only questions about the 3 day, but questions about the Susan G. Komen organization and our own cancer exeriences.

In the end, we not only were able to promote the walk and encourage participation in it, we were also able to talk about Breast cancer and why people should care about this cause. All of us who are walkers will be taking donations to raise money through September.

The show will air on May 17th 2009 at the following times:

KKNW 1150am at 5:00am
KIXI 880am at 5:30am
KWJZ 98.9FM at 6:00am
KQMV 925.5fm at 6:30am

There will be a podcast available once it airs and I will connect a link at that time.

1 Year Cancerversary

2009-05-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

One year ago, on May 7th 2008 I heard these words, "You have cancer". To be honest, I don't remember a single word of the conversation besides those three. I had waited all day to hear the results of my biopsy and the later it got, the more convinced I became that it was bad news. I was right. That day and the day after and for many, many days after that, I heard that word in my head probably one thousand times. Cancer, cancer, cancer, you have cancer. I still hear it in my head every day, but it has slowed down to maybe 100 times per day instead of 1000. I'm sure it will be something that I think about every day for the rest of my life.

I'm not entirely sure when I am allowed to say that I am 1 year out. Is it the day I was diagnosed? The day of my surgery? The last day of chemo? Of Radiation? Is it a year from the first time I had a post treatment mammogram and was given the all clear?

I don't know the proper etiquette for cancer celebrations, but I will just toss etiquette to the wind and say Yippee! I am 1 year out from being diagnosed with Breast Cancer! Yay me! It feels good to be able to celebrate that milestone. In fact, I think I will just continue celebrating milestones when they come along. I think I will celebrate my 1 year cancerversary again on my surgery date, my last day of chemo date and anything else that feels like it deserves a celebration.

There are many who don't have the opportunity to celebrate one year, or five years or 10 years. I am grateful that I get to celebrate and grateful that I can be hopeful about a bright, shiny future with many, many celebrations.

Bad Chi

2009-04-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Qi(Chi) is believed to flow through pathways (meridians) in your body. These meridians and the energy flow are accessible through more than 350 acupuncture points. Illness results from an imbalance of the forces. By inserting needles into these points in various combinations, acupuncture practitioners believe that your energy flow will rebalance."

Well apparently my Chi is messed up. I went to an acupuncturist during chemo to help with the bone and joint pain that I was having. I had never even entertained the idea of doing acupuncture, but was in enough pain after my first chemo that I was willing to try just about anything. To my surprise, it worked! The bone pain for rounds 2,3 and 4 was significantly lower than the first round.

Having had a successful experience with that pain, I decided to try acupunture for the relief of night sweats and hot flashes which has been fairly well documented as having a high success rate. I went once in November but it was right before we went on vacation and I didn't go back because I was feeling pretty good. Since I am still having night sweats and hot flashes (don't you just love menopause??) I decided that I would try it again.

I went in today to the same highly recommended Chinese woman doctor to see if she could help me out with these problems. She remembered me, asked me several questions about chemo, radiation, my general health etc and then asked to look at my tongue. She looked at the underside of my tongue and declared my Chi is definitely out of balance.

She ushered me into a nice quiet, warm room with a comfortable massage type table. I laid on my stomach and she started to feel her way around my back. To my surprise, she found some very sore spots that I didn't even know I had! Blocked Chi apparently...

She told me that she was going to do "cupping" therapy on me to help release the toxins, alleviate inflammation in my body and rebalance my chi. After chemo and radiation, a daily dose of Tamoxifen, I imagine my body is chock full of toxins so I didn't argue.

I now have some very colorful purple circles on my back and neck and a couple on my legs as well. I don't know for sure that it is going to help with the night sweats and hot flashes, but I'm willing to give it a try. I will go back next week to see if my "Chi" has improved any. I am lucky that my oncologist is fully supportive of acupuncture as a compliment to the traditional medicine and treatment that I have participated in.

"We treat whole body" this acupuncturist tells me. Let's go for it, I say. My whole body has been under attack for just under a year. If the calvary comes in a diminutive Chinese package with needles and glass cups, then bring on the calvary.

Lucky 13

2009-04-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Since I started writing this blog, I have never had trouble coming up with what to say to express my feelings, but somehow trying to find the right words to express how I feel about my marriage is proving difficult. Not because the feelings are difficult, but because the words seem rather trite. I could write about how we met, or the day we were married. I could write about the ups and downs that go with any marriage or the lessons we have learned over the last 13 years. I could write about how incredibly fabulous my husband has been through the entire cancer journey or how he loved me through baldness, scars, chemo, surgery and plenty of tears. I could certainly write about how much I love him.

But maybe the best way is this picture. I had to go back 3 years to find a picture of Larry and I. This particular picture was a picture of us at my birthday in 2006. Larry is rarely in our family pictures because he is always the one taking the pictures. He is always the one being proud of me or of the girls. He is the one being supportive. He is the one who takes hundreds of soccer pictures. He is the one who let me cry in his lap after every single chemo. He is the only one I spoke to of being afraid to die and leave my children. He is the one who does all the little things like making sure we have batteries in the house and oil in the car. He is the one who is proud to go to work every day because it allows him to support his family. He is the one who stands with all of us through everything.

He is the one.

Blink

2009-04-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

As far as eyelashes go, we are pretty blessed in our family. I have long eyelashes as does my husband so both of my children have great, long, dark eyelashes. When I was going through chemo I lost my hair, but was able to keep my eyelashes and eyebrows throughout the entire process.

To my surprise and disappointment both my eyelashes and eyebrows took an abrupt leave of absence about 8 weeks after finishing my last round of chemo. Adding insult to injury, this happened right when we were leaving for Hawaii so just as I was starting to feel "normal", I looked like cancer girl-bald and lashless.

The good thing about losing eyelashes is that they start to grow back almost immediately. Since I have dark eyelashes, you could see them within a week which was great, but I missed my long eyelashes.

Unlike the hair on your head, eyelashes apparently go in cycles which is why we normally lose one or two each day and not the whole lot. Chemo resets this cycle meaning that they all fall out at the same time. My understanding is that it takes awhile to reset this cycle so that each lash is on a different cycle. Unfortunately what this means is that eyelashes continue to fall out long after chemo. Mine fell out the first time and then I had another round of serious thinning but not complete loss.

The other day was a beautiful sunny day in Seattle so I put my sunglasses on. As I was driving I noticed that every time I would blink, my eyelashes hit the lenses of the glasses. I promptly ripped my sunglasses off so I could take a good look at those eyelashes. 7 full months after my last chemo, my eyelashes are finally back to their original length. I think I will wear my sunglasses every day, just so I can realize that having your eyelashes brush against the lenses is a good problem to have.

Too Young

2009-04-19T18:23:00.000-07:00

I just read about a 10 year old girl who has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. 10 years old!! I thought I was too young at 43. Having a 10 year old daughter myself as well as an 11 year old, I just cannot imagine how these parents are feeling. It is completely unfair. Enough is enough already! 10 is just too young, 20 is too young, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 is too young. As I have said many times before, it is time for Breast Cancer to go away.

I will be praying for this little girl (Hannah is her name)and her family and hoping that all of the great research that has been done for breast cancer can help this family as well. They are in the LA area and I hope that they will find brilliant doctors who can help heal her physically and mentally.

10 years old is just too young!

Circles

2009-04-16T14:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had the chance to do several thing and it turned out to be a great day. In the morning I had an appointment with my oncologist. Just a regular check up appointment. I realized that when I was diagnosed, the first oncologist that I talked to had told me I was in for about a year of treatment and recovery. I was diagnosed in May 2008. Yesterday my oncologist told me there was nothing to report. I looked completely healthy, my blood levels are back to normal and she doesn't want to see me for another 3 months. I felt like I had come full circle-I was healthy last April and I am healthy this April.

I left my doctor appointment to go walk around Green Lake with Annie. Annie is a colleague from WaMu that I met via the 3 Day walk. Soon after I was diagnosed, I found her on the Susan G. Komen 3 Day website as one of Washington's top fundraisers for 2008. I approached her to thank her for the work that she was doing and a friendship bloomed from there. I was lucky enough to work for Annie for the last 6 months at WaMu so have had the chance to see her in varying lights-all of which she excels at. Yesterday instead of encouraging her about walking and having her encourage me about pushing through treatment, we got to help each other train for the 3 day and enjoy a beautiful day in the process.

Finally I had the opportunity to meet with several women that I have "met" through the message boards at BreastCancer.org. I have been prowling these message boards for almost a year, finding answers to questions, finding more questions, and finding many brave women. I started a thread for people in Seattle because I knew there must be more than just me here so about 6 of us finally got together to meet in the real world.

I was a little worried about this meeting. How much fun can it be to have a bunch of women talk about how sick they are and how cancer is miserable? I thought it might be somewhat depressing but it wasn't in the least. We are all different, with different diagnosis, different lives, different treatments and we certainly talked about those things. But then we started finding out other things and closing other circles. Two of us found we are from the same town. Some of us have the same doctors, we are all close to the same age. Two of us are walking in the Susan G. Komen 3 day. I even found that one of these women has been following this blog by way of my friend Annie for some time now and has even commented on my blog before. Of all the exchanging of information and realizing our differences and similarities, what did we do the most of? We laughed. Not because we have cancer, but because we are still able to enjoy ourselves despite the hell we have been through or are going through.

To my new Crazy, Sexy, Cancer in Seattle circle of friends; Robin, Susan, Carol, Gina and Kristina-Thanks for the laughs.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today our Easter was rather quiet. My parents are out of town (we missed you!) and we had brunch with my sister and her kids. We made a fabulous stuffed french toast and all of the girls were near explosion level with strawberries and whipped cream.

I am thankful for simple things today. The laughter of my kids as they searched for eggs, the whipped cream smiles of my daughters and my nieces, the smell of sausage and syrup, the ability to smile and be happy knowing that my whole family is healthy and happy, my husband cooking on the griddle (he is the king of breakfasts in our house) and just a little champagne to celebrate.

Happy Easter!

Happy Birthday

2009-04-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 68 years old. Unfortunately not only did he not get to see the 60's, he never even got to see the 50's. He died of pancreatic cancer at 48. His death was the only cancer death I had ever known until recently. It is his experience that shaped some of my own actions with my cancer diagnosis.

My dad was "follicly challenged" and didn't have a lot of hair to begin with, but I remember watching him pull it out by the handfuls after beginning chemo. It was for this reason that I decided to shave my head instead of waiting for my hair to fall out. I didn't think I could emotionally handle the devastation of seeing my hair come out in my hands or on my pillow. Even though shaving my head was extremely difficult, it was the right decision for me. It gave me a certain amount of control of a situation that I would have rather not been in.

Pancreatic cancer can sometimes be related to ovarian and/or breast cancer. It can also be somewhat related to lifestyle and my dad was not a very healthy specimen. My dad's brother passed away of brain cancer last year and his son (my cousin) currently has throat cancer. This was enough cancer risk in my family for me to decide to be tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations which I thankfully do not have.

My dad died on my mother's birthday when I was 24 years old. I had seen him the day before his death and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was not going to make it. It was a devastating blow to me and my first experience with mortality. It was his death that made me realize that people really, truly die and don't live forever. That same year, his mother (my grandmother) died as well cementing that realization for me.

It is unfortunate that many of the things that I remember about my dad have to do with his death and the impact that it had on me. There are plenty of other things I remember as well; making him the biggest sandwich I could fathom, his ability to paint a holiday scene on our windows, the way he smelled, the tattoo on his forearm, his all-consuming love of his children, his belly laugh, his absolute refusal to drink coffee, the proprietary way he felt about Mt. Rainier. I wish, wish, wish he would have been alive to see his grandchildren. I think he would have been so proud that he would have nearly burst.

There are so many moments that he missed so here is one for him. The first day of school for both girls when we moved to our new house. Happy birthday dad....from two of your 5 beautiful grandaughters. We love you.

Name that Pain

2009-03-31T18:27:00.000-07:00

My back hurts. Also my right foot has a pain in it. I have felt shooting pains in both breasts. I am certain that I have had random pains in my life before and not worried that it was cancer. I just don't remember what that felt like. It is a constant battle to tell myself that these are normal aches and pains that people get from overdoing it, or straining a muscle or being tired. I have a very good imagination and unfortunately every time I have an ache or a pain of any kind, my first thought is that it is cancer. When do I get to go back to not worrying about all of these things? When do I get to accept the fact that it might just be something as simple as a pulled muscle?

I keep remembering that great scene from Kindergarten Cop with Arnold Schwartzenegger when he has a headache and the kid tells him "it's probably a tumor". Arnold's response---"it's not a tumor!"

I will try to put Arnold's voice in my head every day and every time I feel an ache or a pain. "It's not a tumor!" If Arnold says it, it must be true.

Cheering Section

2009-03-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was a very shy child and the athletic ability in my family went to my sister. I did not play in any type of organized sport growing up so I have never had been the object of a cheering section.

Last night was the auction/fundraiser for our 3 Day walk. It was a great night and I had a really great time. Part of the event was a slideshow of pictures from the 44 people who make up the Valley Girls and Guys team. Since I was not on the team last year, I did not have a picture of myself participating in the walk. Instead I submitted one of my favorite pictures of Head Shaving Day that shows my family's hands on my newly shorn head. I had not seen the slide show so I didn't know what to expect.

All together there were 17 friends and family sitting at my table and the table behind me. When that picture of me came up on the slide show under the heading of "those who are fighting", I heard all of them cheer for me. For me! I have never heard such a thing in my life. It was my first cheering section and it was for something that I didn't know warranted it...fighting cancer. I was humbled and surprised by the reaction.

The fundraiser brought in an astounding $30,000.00 that benefits the Susan G. Komen organization. That is $30,000.00 closer to finding a cure. Thank you to Tina for making the whole thing happen and for getting through my story without crying! I am extremely thankful to all those who contributed and came to join us for a very fun night. Thank you to Trena, Pam, Jeff, Pam, Keith, Jim, Trude, Kari, Chad, Cathy, Mary, Steve, Holly, Dawn, Mike and my wonderful husband. Thank you for your amazing generosity and thank you for being my very first cheering section. You have given me a memory that will stay with me forever.

Blood on Hold

2009-03-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

Today at my office there is a blood drive. I have been giving blood for several years and the local blood donor location LOVES me! I have O- blood meaning that anyone on the planet can benefit from my blood. It is an easy thing for me to do that helps others.

Because I have a history of blood donation, I get emails and phone calls pretty regularly telling me that the supply of O- blood is low. I finally responded back telling them that I had been diagnosed with cancer and undergone chemotherapy and had been told that I couldn't donate blood.

A very nice man responded and told me that with the particular type of cancer that I had and the treatment that I received, I will be eligible to donate blood again after one year. I am happy to think that after a year, my blood count and quality of blood will be considered healthy again. So I can't donate blood in the office blood drive today, but sign me up in September. I'll be the first in line with nice clean blood to donate in the hopes that something that costs me nothing can make the difference in saving a life.

Hello 44

2009-03-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 44th birthday and I had a great day. The whole thing felt a little surreal to me. I spent so much time last year talking about my age that I thought maybe I would never get past 43. At every doctor appointment, every time I was asked when I was diagnosed, every document that I filled out for every doctor, my answer was 43. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 43. I went through treatment when I was 43. I am ONLY 43. It was a little like one of those dreams where you keep running, but can't get anywhere. It was by far the longest year of my life.

Now I can say I made it to 44. I can say I am glad that I am getting older. I am glad that I have the chance to be 44 and I am looking forward to 45, 55, 85. I want to be able to say that I am a 40 or 50 year survivor. I want to be able to say that the best present I ever received was the eradication of breast cancer. I want to see it in my lifetime.

Happy birthday to me! I made it.

Healthy Living

2009-03-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

Today I read two different articles discussing how what we eat and drink can affect the incidence of breast and other types of cancers.

From MSNBC
"Better diets, more exercise and controlling weight could also prevent more than 40 percent of colon and breast cancer cases in some countries"

In my case, I can't blame my cancer diagnosis on genes so I can scratch that off the list. I can't blame it on family history, cigarettes or obesity. There is no definitive reason why I was diagnosed with cancer and someone else wasn't.

I do believe that our environment has something to do with the increase in cancer diagnoses. I don't know what it is exactly. The food that goes in, the food that doesn't go in, the air quality, the toxins in the environment or some combination of all of the above.

I wish I could say that I am a perfect healthy specimen, but I'm not. I have tried very hard to modify my diet and for the most part I do quite well. I rarely drink anymore and have increased my exercise. But the fact is, I still am carrying about 20 pounds of extra weight, I still eat dairy and red meat and I could certainly use more exercise and less stress.

Though I very much appreciate the news articles, it is also a little bit frustrating to hear that 40% of cancers could be prevented with healthier living. Tell that to the organic eating, maniacal exercisers, yoga breathing people who have been diagnosed with cancer. Tell that to Lance Armstrong or Scott Hamilton. It feels a little bit like blaming the victim; "If only you wouldn't have eaten that steak, you wouldn't have been diagnosed with cancer..."

I put just as much faith in good eating as anyone else does, but there are plenty of people who have much worse living habits than I have and they seem to make it through life without a cancer diagnosis---(they may die of heart failure, but that is a different discussion altogether!)

So I guess the next time my daughters ask me how I got cancer, I'll have to tell them, "It was the Cheetos"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29407297/

Hair Cut Day!

2009-03-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

My last real haircut was in June of 2008. I knew that I was going to start chemo in July and was going to lose my hair so I wanted to have at least a month of a GREAT haircut. It lasted roughly 4 weeks and then I had that healthy head of hair shaved off.

After being bald, one would think that I would never again cut my hair, but it actually felt great. When my hair started growing back, it was very light and fuzzy for its first venture back into the world. As it has continued to grow, it has gotten thicker and much curlier than what I had before. My hair started growing back after my last chemo in September, but has taken several months to be long enough to do anything with. There still isn't much there for length, but I took my short little hairs into the salon yesterday and had it cut and colored.

I am very happy with the end result. They cut all of the fuzzy baby hair ends off and put a nice rich brown color into it so it doesn't look so mousy. It is still curly and I'm sure will continue to be, but at least now I can grow my hair out and it will look like a style instead of just grow-out. People might even think I have this hairstyle on purpose!

Both of my children asked me if this meant that I was going to keep my hair short as I think they both thought I would just let it continue to grow until it was similar in length to what it was before. They like the new cut, but I think they are a little alarmed that I have lost my mind if I am cutting the 2 inches of hair that I have.

When you start chemo, everyone tells you that it is only hair and it will grow back. It isn't quite as simple as that and there are lots of emotions that go with being bald, but yes, it does grow back and thank goodness it does!

Giving

2009-02-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

Over the past couple of days, the radio station that I listen to was having a radiothon to benefit Seattle Children's Hospital. I have been giving to Children's hospital each month for several years because I think it is an important resource for Seattle. My children listen to the same radio station with me and yesterday, my oldest daughter was listening and came to ask me if she could call in and donate some of her own money. She pulled out 5.00 in cash of her money and called in. I was very proud of her. She has never needed to go to Children's Hospital and she doesn't know anyone who has been there either. I let her make the call and donate her money because I think it is important that my kids understand that even if someone doesn't have a lot of money, they can still make a difference.

My husband has decided to participate in the Big Climb again this year. It is a race up the Columbia Center which is 69 flights of stairs. This particular event benefits Lymphoma and Leukemia. Once again, we have been lucky to not be directly affected by either one of these but I am proud that he is supporting this cause.

http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/BigClimb?px=1092408&pg=personal&fr_id=1040&et=hpjivP8JbJ_CoqvM6zhSIw..&s_tafId=3720
I think having been diagnosed with any type of cancer has made my family realize that ALL cancers should go away. It is very difficult road for an adult to go through chemo and radiation and I think my kids realize how very difficult it must be for a child to go through. I'm proud that after going through a very grueling year of our own, my family still wants to give to others.

Aunt Mae

2009-02-24T22:15:00.000-08:00

We will miss you terribly. All our love, Larry, Tracy, Cailey and Darci

Studies and statistics

2009-02-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

This week I had the opportunity to be interviewed for a large study that Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center is conducting to help understand why some young women develop breast cancer and others do not. At 43, I am definitely considered young to have developed breast cancer. Though women are certainly diagnosed at any age, the majority are diagnosed after the age of 50 with the average age being well into menopause at age 61.

It was a very intensive interview going back to when I started menstruating (14), specifics about my pregnancies, birth control methods, drinking habits over the years, work habits and eating habits. They also took a blood sample and will review the tissue samples taken during my lumpectomy. Though certain things have a prominent place in my memory (the day I was diagnosed for instance), other things have gone by the wayside. I don't remember for instance which pharmacy I might have used for various birth control methods or at what age I might have changed brands.

The interviewer said they hope to have over 7000 people interviewed. It saddens me to think there are more than 7000 people who are in my shoes and have been diagnosed with breast cancer at an early age. I wish there were none. Unfortunately, I know a few personally and sincerely wish we were not in this club. But if we have to be in it, then I am glad that Fred Hutch recognizes that it is something that requires more study. I know that the basis of the study has to do with hormonal changes in women. I can't imagine that I am necessarily that different than anyone else in this regard.

After 90 minutes of questioning and much mental anguish about what I could and could not remember, she asked me her last question. "Do you know what caused your cancer?" I wish I did.

Year of the Snake

2009-02-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today, after taking a nice long walk with my children and the dog, I came back in through the garage, slipped on a plastic bag and broke my wrist. I had never broken a bone before and it wasn't a pleasant experience at all. I broke it in such a way that it wasn't going to heal with just a cast and ended up having to have surgery. I have a titanium plate and 9 screws in my wrist. 2007 ended up being the year of "the wrist". I broke it in February, had surgery in April and was in physical therapy from May when I got my cast off until the end of August. Everything was difficult that year. Working was difficult as I could only type with one hand for several months, getting dressed was difficult and I couldn't tie or button my own pants for several months. I thought 2008 couldn't possibly be worse than 2007.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it became the year of "the breast". I was diagnosed and had a lumpectomy in May, had chemo from July to September, radiation from September through November.

2009 is the year of the Ox according to the Chinese. I don't know what this year will bring for me. I will work my last day at WaMu on March 31st, will take a few months off and then will be pounding the pavement looking for work, so maybe it will be the year of "the job" for me. I am also working on writing a book this year so maybe it will be the year of "the book". In September I will be walking in my first Susan G. Komen 3 day walk and am already training and fundraising. Maybe it will be the year of "the walk"?

On the other hand, I was born in the year of the Snake and for the most part, it rings true for me. I will wait to see what this year brings.

People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster

Tamoxifen

2009-02-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the chance to go see the Lion King at the Paramount Theatre in Seattle. I have seen it before but never with my children so I was really excited to go. The show didn't disappoint at all and was thrilling from beginning to end. My sister went with us as well and spent the entire show being cold as it was a bit chilly in the theatre. I told her that a nice hot flash would take care of that for her. Certainly it took care of it for me. I had a coat on when I went into the theatre and about time the second act started, I started sweating and had to remove my jacket. 10 minutes later, I am cold. Aaargh!

I have a bit of a queasy stomach occasionally when taking medication so I have learned to take everything at night when my stomach is full. Every night I take out my collection of pills. I really don't like taking any type of medication so mostly my pile of pills consists of vitamins and supplements, but then there is that tiny little white Tamoxifen pill.

Tamoxifen is what is currently responsible for my hot flashes. It is a hormone blocker and blocks the estrogen in my body. Each night when I take it I have some different feeling about it. Some nights I hate it. It is a constant reminder that cancer is going to be part of my life for a long time. Some nights I take it and am thankful that I am done with treatment and ONLY have to take one tiny white pill. Some nights I am in awe that a tiny white pill can do so much to hold cancer at bay and improve the survivability rates of so many women.

I know that it is saving my life and I'm grateful that if I had to have cancer, I had it in a time when this particular drug is available to women with my diagnosis. I also know that the side effects could be much worse and that I am lucky to have minimal side effects. I know all of this, but I still hate being dependent on medications and I'm not all that fond of hot flashes either. However, like I told my sister last night, if you are female, then at some point you will go through menopause. I just happen to be going through it earlier than I might have otherwise. So when all of my friends are in their 50's and having hot flashes, I will just smile and say "Yes, I remember".

Goals

2009-02-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

I registered for this year's Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk in Seattle about 3 weeks ago. This is something that I wanted to do last year but couldn't as I was in the midst of chemo and radiation. I am excited to be able to do it this year and struggled with what my fundraising goal should be.

Each participant has to raise 2300.00 in order to participate. This is certainly a lofty goal but I felt like since breast cancer was something I am intimately familiar with that my goal should be higher. I ultimately decided on 3000.00. 1000.00 for me as a survivor and 1000.00 for each of my daughters in the hopes that they won't ever have to face breast cancer themselves.

As usual, I am stunned and amazed at my friends and family. After just 3 weeks of fundraising, I met my goal. I hadn't even sent out all of the emails that I plan to send out. I am thankful for each and every donation that I have received and hopeful that the 1 in 8 statistic will soon become 0 in 8. Wouldn't that be fabulous? Zero. Nada. Nothing. No one. No Breast Cancer in the world. That is my real goal.

A special thank you to the special teacher who was the first to donate and to my friend who saw my goal and decided to put in the remaining amount. She has inspired me to reach higher. I have now changed my goal to 7000.00. Thank you to everyone who has donated and to those who will do so in the future. We have to change our goals so that breast cancer isn't just the most researched cancer, but the one that is the first to go away.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/SeattleEvent?px=2282716&pg=personal&fr_id=1300

Blessings

2009-02-06T10:56:00.001-08:00

Because my company is vacating some of its office space in Seattle, I have spent much time this week gathering and donating office supplies with my coworkers. Yesterday we delivered to a local school in Seattle that is the lowest income school in the district. We delivered over 100 boxes of paper, pencils, file folders etc. There was a very nice man who I assume is the custodian who helped us carry all of the boxes into the school. We had said in passing that it was such a waste to have all of these extra supplies just sitting around. His response was "It's a blessing to us". He's right. As employees, we take for granted that every day we can find a pen or a pad of paper. But at his school, they can't assume that those basic needs will be there every day and they are extremely grateful that we could help change that.

This week I also had the chance to bring a meal to a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer and thyroid cancer last fall. She is actually a friend of a friend and we have only met a couple of times. She thanked me for bringing the food and we talked for quite awhile. She told me how grateful her family was for all of the meals that have been prepared for them. We had meals brought to us from July to November through chemo and radiation last year by many caring friends and family. I told her that I was grateful to be able to pay it forward. I realized that something as simple as preparing a meal for someone is a real blessing. When you are healthy you take for granted that you can prepare your own meals or even prepare one for someone else. But when you are battling cancer or any other major illness, you just can't take it for granted that you will be able to provide this basic need for your family let alone provide it for someone else.

I realized in both cases, delivering school supplies and a meal, that as humbling as it was to have to accept help all through my treatment, it is a blessing to be able to give that help right back.

Menopause=No sleep!

2009-02-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

One of the things that my oncologist was most excited about was that going through chemo put me into menopause. Since I am estrogen positive, this is a good thing for me. Menopause equals less estrogen production which equals less potential for a recurrence.

So far, the only real side effects to menopause are hot flashes and night sweats. I started having these after my second round of chemo. They were decreasing and I was mostly having these side effects at night, but add Tamoxifen to the mix and I am back at ground zero with hot flashes during the day and sweating at night.

One would think that since it is the middle of winter, I wouldn't mind having hot flashes just to keep warm, but it is actually worse. I still get cold from the weather and really want to bundle up in a cozy sweater or a nice soft blanket. So I do this, get all comfortable and cozy and then WHAM another hot flash.

This might be OK if I was one of those people that got the cute little dots of sweat on their nose and that is it, but no, I am not a pretty sweat-er. I sweat everywhere.

I used to be one of those people who hit the pillow at night and never woke up until the alarm went off in the morning. Now, I am tossing and turning all night long, throwing blankets off when I get hot and putting them back on when I get cold.

I should be glad that I am in chemo-induced menopause and I am I guess. Menopause equals less estrogen, but unfortunately, menopause also equals no sleep. I miss sleep.

Hair-Before, During and After

2009-01-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Shana is taking her cancer diagnosis by the horns and is cutting off much of her long blond hair today in anticipation of chemo-induced hair loss. I admire her for doing it. Everyone has to do what makes them comfortable and this is her way of taking control of the situation.

I know that it is the hardest part of having cancer for many people, but I found that though the anticipation was horrible, once my hair was gone, I never looked back. There are difficulties to being bald, but I never felt bad or embarrased about not having hair. I felt like it made other people uncomfortable sometimes, but when I looked in the mirror, I just saw me. Maybe more of me than I had before. I actually had to take a look at my face since I couldn't focus on how my hair looked.

My hope for Shana is that she finds the strength and beauty that can come from losing your hair. Whether she chooses a wig, a scarf, a hat or none of the above, I hope she feels comfortable enough in her own skin to be proud of how she looks.

I am including before, during and after pictures to remind her that it really does grow back. Mine is in the process of growing back and still isn't very long....but it is hair and it is mine and I am comfortable with it.

No Smoking

2009-01-27T13:02:00.001-08:00

Yesterday as I was walking to get my lunch, I saw a group of teenagers smoking. Here in Seattle, smoking is probably less prevalent than other places and maybe having grown up here I am less tolerant about it. It makes me sad and angry to see it.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had to take a good look at what my risk factors were and found that I really didn't have many. I did not start menstruating early, I don't have any family history, I have never smoked, I have since found out that I do not carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, I am not obese and though I had my children a little later (32 and 33), it doesn't increase my risk significantly. So with very few risk factors (can't change the fact that I am female for instance), I still was one of the unfortunate ones to be diagnosed with cancer.

Having cancer is not fun in any way, shape or form. It is not fun to go through chemo or radiation, surgery or hair loss, not to mention the emotional turmoil and the possibility of death. It is miserable and I want to shout it at the people that I see smoking. "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!!!"

We all have a certain amount of risk factors, some we can change and some we can't. But smoking is a KNOWN cause of cancer. Not suspected; known. You smoke, you get cancer.

A few things I found on smoking and risk:

"Among male cigarette smokers, the risk of lung cancer is more than 2,000 percent higher than among male nonsmokers; for women, the risks were approximately 1,200 percent greater. Lung cancer is the single largest cause of cancer mortality among both men and women and accounts for more than one in every four cancer deaths nationally in the U.S."

"In all, it is estimated that cigarette smoking causes approximately 23 percent of all cancer deaths in women, and is responsible for 42 percent of all male cancer deaths (Shopland et al., 1991)"

Specific to breast cancer risk, teens who smoke are more likely to develop breast cancer before menopause and are more likely to be diagnosed with aggressive, hormone receptor-negative type breast cancer.

Every time I see a teenager smoking and am with my children, I tell them again that they will NEVER smoke. I will not allow it. I will not tell my girls that they can try it, that it is ok to do in moderation or only once. I will not tell them to use their own judgment. I will tell them that under no circumstances will they smoke. I hope and pray that having watched me go through cancer they will never even be tempted.

Thinking of You

2009-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

For my Great Aunt Mae who is struggling right now and who I love very much.

For Shana who is going through her first post-chemo weekend. I hope it is treating you well and you are able to have a good weekend.

Math Lesson

2009-01-22T21:38:00.001-08:00

Back in December I was supposed to have an appointment with the hereditary cancer specialist at Swedish. Bring on some ice and snow and my appointment went by the wayside. I was able to reschedule the appointment for January 13th. Larry went with me and we spent an hour or so going through our entire individual family histories. It's hard to keep track of everyone's illnesses and ages!

After an extensive discussion, we decided that I would be tested for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. It is actually a mutation of the gene that is being tested for. Despite what most people think about risk, having a mutation of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene accounts for less than 10% of breast cancers.

Yesterday I received a call from Dr. Resta-the walking encyclopedia of hereditary cancers. My results are in and I do NOT have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation known to drastically increase the risk of breast and/or ovarian cancer.

I am happy to know that I am not passing on a genetic predisposition to breast cancer to my daughters. People who carry the mutation have up to an 80% risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer.

So what does this mean for me and my children? The average woman has roughly a 12% chance of developing cancer in her lifetime. As someone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer already, my risk is now roughly double that-about 26% of a recurrence or a new diagnosis. Chemo, radiation and tamoxifen have have reduced that number even further to about 16%.

Because their mother has been diagnosed, my children now have about a 20% risk of developing breast cancer. However, since they have not yet reached puberty, this is a very rough number.

My sister, having come from the same gene pool and growing up in the same environment also has an increased risk. Her risk is now about 20% as well. Now we all have our numbers to do what we will with. Numbers are only numbers and even people with an 80% chance of developing breast cancer have a 20% chance of NOT developing it.

I have an 84% chance of NOT developing cancer again and I accept that number. However, I still am looking forward to the day that I can say I have a 0% chance of being diagnosed again and that my children and any other women on the planet have a 0% chance of developing it as well. Zero is my new favorite number.

...And Then

2009-01-21T09:30:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I spent the entire 9 months focusing on the goal of creating a healthy baby and preparing our home for the baby's arrival. Once she was born, we were madly in love with her of course, but I remember having some confusion about what my life looked like. I guess I am a goal oriented person. When I was pregnant, I knew what my goal looked like-a healthy happy baby. Once she was born though it was a little harder to define that goal-it was like having a blank canvas to start with. We got into a routine and then had another baby and our life started to define itself.

Many people who go through a cancer diagnosis go through some form of depression after they have completed treatment. I am not one of them, but I am starting to understand why it may happen. I have spent the last seven months battling cancer. It was a very clear goal-SURVIVE! I was armed with very specific tools to accomplish my goal; chemo, radiation and many trips to doctor's offices. Now I find that my goal still is to survive, but it is more than that. Now I get the opportunity to live and live well. While I am extremely grateful to have the opportunity, I find again that I am faced with a blank canvas. I know there are certain things I want to do such as walk in the 3 Day this year and write a book (or two) and continue to have a good marriage and family life and a job that I enjoy and feel valued in, but I feel a little like a marble in a jar. I never really thought about defining my life before I had cancer. I just plugged along and did the things that needed to be done. I feel like I have a second chance to define my life and I'm not sure how to do it.

Maybe this is a result of feeling like there must be some reason why I got cancer and there must be some reason why I am to survive it. I keep looking for that big blinding sign in lights telling me what that reason is and I have yet to see it. I need to figure out the rest of the sentence. "She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, she battled it and won and then......"

Seattle 3-Day 2009

2009-01-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took the plunge and registered for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk in Seattle. It is a big challenge-60 miles in 3 days. It is a commitment to train for and to spend 3 days away from my family. It is also a financial commitment, I have to raise 2300.00 to participate.

I could definitely say that I have had my fair share of breast cancer taking time out of my life and not do this walk. I could just donate to a friend and call it enough. But it is because other people before me have taken on this challenge that I get to benefit from the research funded by these walks. My cancer treatment was designed specifically for me, based on my diagnosis, my stage, my type of cancer. This is a relatively new way to treat breast cancer. It used to be that everyone diagnosed was given the same treatment and they would just hope for the best.

The fact is though, I am STILL at an increased risk of developing breast cancer again as are my children, my sister, my mother and my nieces. With all of the people that I love at an increased risk, can I really not take part in fundraising?

My sister has decided that she will also do the walk with me. I am thrilled beyond words that she wants to do this with me. This is her fight as much as it is mine and I am excited that she feels compelled to take this step with me.

I have attached my fundraising page on the LINKS at left. If there are others that might want to walk, today is the last day for a discounted registration using the promo code NEWYEAR. It is an important cause, not just to me, but to all women. I am thrilled to be a part of it.

All Clear!

2009-01-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

I received a call from my oncologist saying that not only was my mammogram all clear, but so was the MRI. I am cancer-free! I will have MRI's and mammograms every 6 months for the rest of my life, a minor inconvenience for a calm state of mind.

All Clear?

2009-01-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

The mammogram went well yesterday and the doctor was pleased that she didn't see anything out of the ordinary. The MRI went well also, though I do not yet know the results of that. I hope to hear from my doctor today telling me that everything looks clean and clear.

The Zometa infusion was relaatively uneventful, although it was very strange being back in the infusion room. The nurses there are great and do their best to make the experience as easy and painless as possible. The explained to me that the Zometa essentially pulls calcium out of your system and then dumps it back into the bones which is why bone and joint pain can occur.

I was hoping to get away with no side effect, but unfortunately woke up this morning achy and with chills. These are expected side effects and generally only affect people after the first infusion. I am laying low today and trying to remember that this means it is working the way it is supposed to. No pain, no gain!

Preventative Maintenance

2009-01-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

Today I have 3 appointments. The first one is my first post-surgery mammogram to establish a new baseline for future tests. The second one is an MRI for the same thing. This will be my new preventative maintenance routine. I will have a mammogram and an MRI every six months to make sure there has been no return of the cancer. Though I have no reason to expect that there is any cancer left, I am still just a little bit nervous. The last time I had a mammogram was in May and the outcome was a breast cancer diagnosis. In addition, I now have quite a bit of scar tissue from both the surgery and the radiation so it makes reading of the mammogram and the MRI just that much more difficult. The good news is that the diagnostic center that I am going to will go over the results with me at the appointment so I won't have to wait and worry about the results.

The 3rd appointment is my first infusion of Zometa. I will have these infusions twice a year for at least 3 years. This drug is currently used for osteoporosis and is also used for people diagnosed with advanced stage cancer that has metastasized to the bone. In my case, it is preventative. It is found to help reduce the risk of a spread to the bone. Though I hope to not have any side effects from this particular drug, some people do have flu like symptoms after the first infusion and sometimes bone and/or joint pain. I can't say I like the idea of going back into the infusion center where I did my chemo, but I will try to remember that I am lucky to be getting Zometa as not everyone has the opportunity. I am happy and thankful to be at the preventative maintenance stage.

Perseverance

2009-01-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

I saw this in our neighborhood and couldn't resist putting a picture of him up. During the snow, some kids in the neighborhood built a snow man and decided they didn't want to lose him when the weather warmed up. It is now 50 degrees outside and the snow in our neighborhood has been gone for at least a week, but the snowman still stands.

I thought he was a great lesson in perseverance. If you don't like your circumstances-change them!

Zometa

2009-01-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

I had a follow-up appointment with my oncologist today. Among other things we talked about, I asked her about prescribing Zometa for me since I couldn't get into the clinical trial that I wanted to. This is why I love her. She immediately said yes and prescribed semi-annual infusions of Zometa. I will receive my first one on January 13th.

Zometa is a drug primarily used for osteoporosis. However, it has been found to drastically reduce the risk of recurrence to the bone in people with my exact diagnosis--diagnosed young, early stage, pre-menopausal, estrogen positive and taking Tamoxifen. There have been several large studies and it appears that adding Zometa to the Tamoxifen reduced the chances of recurrence by about 30-35 percent. It is not yet the standard of care to prescribe it, but I believe it will be eventually. I am thankful to have a doctor that is willing to work with me. She was voted one of Seattle Magazine's top 3 oncologists and this is why. She lets the patient be part of the conversation.

I'll take 35%. I'll take every 1 or 2 or 10% that I can.

Gone Commando!

2009-01-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I've done it, I have gone commando. I have given up the hats, scarves and wigs! I have unveiled my fuzzy little head to friends, family and now collegues. No one has passed out or driven off the road so I think I am going to stick with it.

I shaved my head on July 16 http://tracy-breastcancerandme.blogspot.com/2008/07/head-shaving-day.html right after my first round of chemo in anticipation of my hair loss. I tried out the GI Jane look, the cue-ball look, the baby duckling look and now I am just going for the "What the heck! It's hair and I love it" look. 6 months is just too long to be bald and have to wear something on your head.

My children have been telling me for months that I look fine and don't need anything on my head. I didn't think I looked bad, I just didn't want to shock the daylights out of people. Now, about that returning grey hair....

Long Term Contract

2009-01-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

Now that we are officially into the new year of 2009, people are talking about New Year's resolutions. I actually don't like New Year's resolutions. They feel like a short term contract to me. If you are going to make a plan, make it a long term contract or what is the point?

In looking ahead to this year and many more, here is where my long term contract begins with myself:

1) I will take care of myself. I will make exercise a part of my life and will be mindful of what I put into my body. I will remember that I am worth the effort it takes to be a healthy person.

2) I will make time for fun. Sometimes I forget that fun and laughter are important things. It is easy for me to get involved in my day to day life, complete with stress and worries, but those aren't the times I remember. It is the fun times that I remember and treasure.

3) I will live a broader life. I have a small family, a small group of friends, I live in a small town and I have been content in this place for a long time. My cancer diagnosis has helped me to realize that there is a much bigger world out there that I can reach out and touch. This doesn't mean I'm not happy in my life, I am...I just want to broaden it and continue to learn.

4) I will write. Writing has become something that I very much enjoy doing and I will find a way to continue doing it. I have two ideas for books that I would like to start tackling this year. What I know about writing or publishing books is exactly zero, but if I want to do it, I must put it out in the universe so I can learn.

5) I will work at a job that I love. What a chaotic year it has been for employment for us. I will work at WaMu until March and then I will have the opportunity to find a job that I love. For the most part, I enjoy working. I like being part of something bigger than me and I like bringing value. I have skills and I like being good at something. I also like having the flexibility to have my job be a part of my life-not my whole life.

6) I will raise money towards cancer. Cancer is a miserable disease and it breaks my heart every time I hear of someone who has been diagnosed or has lost their battle. It just has to go away and that is all there is to it. I have to do my part to make it go away.

7) I will treasure my friends and family. They are the reason why I got in the ring to duke it out with cancer. They are what gave me the strength to keep doing it.

8) I will continue to raise amazing children. I almost think they could do this on their own. This is the nature vs nurture argument. Is it the parents that help to make the children great, or do they just come out that way? I think Larry and I are good parents, but we lucked out in the kid department! Our kids are amazing and I am in awe of them every day.

9) I will be thankful.

10) To be continued....

Reflections on 2008

2008-12-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve 2008. We are going to Portland to spend time with friends and to celebrate the New Year, and what a year it has been. There is definitely part of me that says "Good Riddance" to 2008 but really, I feel like before I look forward to 2009, I have to pay my respects to a truly life changing year. It brought many things-some good and some not so good.

Loss: We lost Larry's son to a blood clot and our friend Marty to cancer. We lost our carefree life. Turmoil: Larry and I were both laid off from our jobs at different times. My layoff was a notification and I will be employed at WaMu until the end of March. In the face of everything else that happened this year, not being sure of our financial security threw our lives into more turmoil. Devastation: Not only was I given the devastating news that I had been diagnosed with cancer but so were many friends: Michael, Marty, Ankie and Shana. Pain: Larry and I both had surgeries this year but ours was not isolated to physical pain. The mental pain of being diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease is significant. It is immense-this possibility of dying and leaving my children and family. It is immense for everyone who loves me as well. No matter how hard we all try to stay positive, the fact remains that people die from cancer and I do not want to be one of them. Fear: The fear of the unknown when being diagnosed is almost tangible. The fear that there was more cancer than we were aware of, fear that it would win, fear that the treatments would be unbearable. I could end my reflections of 2008 there and say that it was an extremely miserable year, but it wouldn't be a very true reflection. It was miserable at times....really miserable, but that wasn't all of it.

Joy: In direct opposition to the devastation came the joy of finding out that my cancer was contained in one breast. We also found joy in everyday things; time with friends, good food, special events, sunshine and lots of laughter. Gratitude: I'm an independent person. I don't often need help from other people but I can't say how grateful I am for the amazing support of family and friends. I will never understand how people can battle cancer on their own. There is simply no possible way I could have done it without the great people in my life. Strength: I have many people tell me that I am brave and courageous but I don't see it that way. It's not like I had a choice in the matter; I couldn't just roll over and die, I had to get up and fight. What I do see is that I have more strength than I thought. Not only do I have strength, but so do my husband and my children. They are really the brave and courageous ones. They did have a choice and they chose to get in the ring with me and thank God they did! Pride: I have been proud of my children since the day they were born, but I am so proud of my family and how they have handled this. They have handled it with grace, compassion, determination, humor and love. Isn't this what we want from our children and spouses? To know that they can handle the hard things as well as they can handle the easy things? Happiness: Does it seem odd to say that in the year that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer that I would find myself to be happy? I am. I am very happy with my life and have found a certain confidence in myself that I didn't have before. I have found a joy in expressing myself through writing-something I didn't know that I needed. Clarity: My priorities are defined in a much different way since my diagnosis. Friendships are important, family is important, my job is important and my health is important. My health! I have ignored it for many years and been lucky. Now I get to pay attention to it and be grateful to do so.

2008 was a terrible year in many ways and I wouldn't have wished it upon myself or my family. But now that it is done, I recognize it for what it was...life changing. It brought as many good things as it did bad things and I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and appreciate both. I will not go so far as to say that I am grateful to have cancer. I'm not-I still hate it. But I am grateful for those positive things that it has brought into my life and those things that I have had the opportunity to view in a different light. I am grateful to have made it through so that I can lay 2008 to rest with the dignity that it deserves.

Gathering of Family

2008-12-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

Last night we hosted the rescheduled Holiday Open House that we have been hosting for several years. This group of people is a collection of family. Not everyone is related to each other, but they are all related to me in some way.

I am happy to say that despite more snow falling, everyone braved the roads to join us. I think everyone suffered from a bit of cabin fever over the past couple of weeks so there was lively conversation all around and as usual, plenty of food and wine.

For many of us, this is the only time that we get to see each other so there is much to catch up on. Everyone has had an eventful year and I think we are thankful to be able to connect with each other. I know there were some who were worried that I was taking this on and I hope that when they saw me, they were reassured that I am doing fine. Besides a lingering cold, VERY short hair and some odd, chemo related fingernail issues, I am doing well. I never considered not hosting what has become an annual event.

My girls received a Wii from Santa and have spent almost all of their time since then playing it. When the cousins came over, they joined them in playing the Wii games so we didn't see much of the kids. We were able to capture this picture of 7 cousins when we convinced them to sit down for a brief moment. My two daughters, my sister's three daughters and my cousin's two sons. I am thrilled that the kids enjoy each other's company as much as the adults enjoy theirs. Here's to family.

The Stockings are Hung

2008-12-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas Eve and everything is ready. The stockings are hung, the Christmas trees are done, the presents are wrapped. We have told the girls that they cannot get out of bed before 7:00am. We'll see how that works.

I have had a difficult time figuring out what to give to Larry for Christmas. It was no problem for me to find gifts for the girls, but have chosen and discarded several ideas for my husband. In part, it is because he is difficult to buy for. If he wants something, he buys it. He doesn't wait for birthdays or holidays. Mostly though, I can't possibly come up with anything that feels adequate. What do you buy someone who stands by you while battle cancer; a tie? A coffee mug? A flat screen?

As with other marriages, ours has had its ups and downs. It has not been a perfect marriage and has taken work. If you would have asked me 16 years ago when I met him if he would have been the best person standing by me should I ever have to go through a battle as serious as cancer, I'm not sure what I would have said.

But he was the best person. He didn't come in like a knight in shining armour and take over. He didn't talk to my doctors or try to make decisions for me. He didn't treat me like I wasn't able to make my own decisions. What he did was allow me to be strong and make my own decisions and he stood by each and every one. On those days that I ran out of strength (and they were many) he gave me his. He remained rock solid for the girls and for me. He did not waiver in his determination to keep our life as normal as possible. What he did was allow me to fight cancer in my own way but stood behind me the entire time in case I should falter.

He has told me many times that he wishes he could take the cancer for me and be the person who was sick. While I know this comes from a place of love, I wouldn't give it to him. I could never be the watcher. I am a terrible back seat driver and am too much of a control freak to not be in charge. I could not do what he has done. I think it takes more courage and strength to be the person who has to stand by someone than it is to be the person who takes the action.

What I have learned is that I love my husband without a doubt-and he loves me the same way. We are the right people for each other. He is someone that I am grateful to have in my life. I am proud of him and I am proud of us. We are a very powerful team. We are raising amazing children and in the face of something pretty devastating, we know how to stand by each other.

So does Larry have presents under the tree? Of course he does. But none of them will ever be adequate enough to thank him for what he has done for me this year. None of them will be good enough to explain to him how very much I love him and how glad I am that I married him.

May your Christmas bring you the kind of love that I have and may you feel blessed in whatever gifts come your way. I know what my gifts are and they don't come in a box.

The Best Laid Plans

2008-12-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

Each year, we host a Holiday Open House for my family on the Sunday before Christmas. We have done it every year for several years, despite busy schedules, new babies and wind storms. This year I was determined to not let cancer put a halt to this tradition. Our open house was scheduled for today and we were ready to have everyone over. The house is clean, the lights are up on the house, the tree is up, the menu is planned. We were ready.

If I have learned anything this year since being diagnosed, you would think it would be that not everything goes the way I plan. I certainly didn't plan to spend the majority of 2008 fighting cancer and despite the fact that our Open House is always planned for December I didn't plan for snow. Mother Nature had different plans than I did and has blanketed the entire Northwest and brought all of us to a screeching halt.

I am disappointed that we had to cancel but feel good that everyone is safe and warm at home and not navigating icy streets. Once we made the decision to cancel, my day opened up suddenly in a way that I had not anticipated. We had NOTHING that we had to do! We were given a gift that I would not have expected-time. Today the girls played in the snow and sledded down a giant hill. I got to spend a leisurely afternoon wrapping presents. This is usually a chore that I squeeze into stolen moments late at night when I am tired and would rather be in bed. I don't usually get to enjoy the labor of love that it should be. Larry watched the entire Seahawks game in peace. I cooked dinner with my daughter and we ate it while watching a Christmas movie.

Once again I have learned that sometimes good things come from what I didn't have planned. Now don't get me wrong...we will reschedule the Open House for the day after Christmas. I'm flexible enough to take advantage of a change of plans but I'm also persistent and determined. Cancer may have brought some good things into my life, but it isn't going to stop me from keeping my original plan of having a long, healthy, happy life.

The Power of Words

2008-12-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

I love this time of year when I get to hear from all of the people that I love. Christmas cards come in the mail almost every day and I display them in my kitchen where I can see them every day.

This year I had to take down other cards to put up my Christmas cards. Cards of love and support from friends and family as I have gone through this breast cancer journey. There is power in words. Some make me smile or laugh. Some make me cry. These are some of the words that I find in these cards that have helped me through....

We hope you are feeling better...To let you know you're thought of every day....Be well my friend....Rest, Relax, Recover....You are amazing...Keep your great positive attitude and you will be on to better things soon....If you need to lean awhile, we're here....We think you are beautiful on the inside and out....Our wishes go out to the universe to heal and comfort you....I have a million words and no words at all...You are very special to me....You are surrounded by love and support....We're with you every step....You are so dear to all of us.....It is a long process and you are on your way....In the tough times now and ahead, be sure in your family and friends.....You are spirited, you are strong...You are an amazing woman....Remember I am here to share the rainy times too....Hang in there....Pretend I am with you, because in my heart, I am....We are adding our strength to yours......Wishing you strength, peace and courage....I'm so proud of you....Be strong....Be the hero, that's you.....One day at a time....I'm here for you....Today is a better day....You're a fighter, a survivor and a believer.....I'll always be here for you....Hope every day is better....You are fabulous....Whatever it takes....I'll be rooting for you.....

Our thoughts are with you....My thoughts....You are in our thoughts....thinking of you...Good thoughts....Our prayers are with you....We pray....I am praying....Our prayers...We love you....I love you....Love you....Lovingly....Love....Love....Love.

And this quote which I thought said so much.

"In this world, there is no force equal to the strength of a woman determined to rise."

Traditions

2008-12-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

Every family has their traditions and when you have children, you either pass them on or create your own. We have done both. When I was growing up, my dad painted a holiday scene on our windows each Christmas season. I remember watching him do it and waiting patiently for the finished product. Though he was a much more talented artist than I am, I have carried on this tradition in my own way. It is something he passed down to me and I am now passing it on to my girls. They are excited every year when they see the paint come out and know that our windows signify the beginning of the holiday season for us.

For the last several years we have hosted a holiday open house for my extended family the week before Christmas. We started this tradition out of necessity. It was becoming impossible for everyone to get together once they had their own families, step-families and in-laws. It has since become something that Larry and I look forward to and the girls look forward to. They start asking about the date of the Open House right after Halloween. Traditions are important to them and even things that we didn't know were traditions, they have decided are.

Tomorrow I go to see the Hereditary Genetics Counselor at Swedish. I will be tested for the BRCA1 and the BRCA2 gene-the only two genes known to predict a higher risk for breast cancer and I will ask that Larry be tested as well. I don't have other people with breast cancer in my family, but I do have other types of cancer that may or may not be related. Larry has breast cancer in his family as well as other types of cancer. Though I will be very surprised if I do carry the gene, I want to know one way or another where both of us stand. I'd like to make sure that I am passing on an appreciation for painted windows and not an increased risk.

Songs of Joy

2008-12-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

Darci is in the choir at her elementary school and today they sang holiday songs for the senior citizens at our local community center. I spent most of the time watching the audience for their reaction to 125 kids singing for them. I have to applaud Debbie Folkerts the music teacher for her selections. I could see that all of the seniors were touched in some way by one or more of the songs.

They sang a fun reindeer song first to get the crowd going. Then a Hannukah song with Hava Nagila. I love the way the words in this song just slide over the notes. I saw several people singing along with this one and was so proud of the kids that they were able to represent beliefs that may or may not be their own. They also sang a Kwaanza song celebrating this African American holiday.

They sang a swinging holiday song that had many toes tapping. They finished with a couple of classics, Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. When they finished, all 125 of them went out into the audience to wish the seniors Happy Holidays. It was a joy to watch their reactions as they were completely engulfed in a sea of kids.

I had to think that this is what it is all about. These people have undoubtedly had ups and downs in their lives. I'm sure they have grieved and suffered and had joy and celebrations. In the end, it is the experiences that bring us joy that we remember. What I saw on each of their faces was joy and wonder-125 kids strong.

Trials and Justice

2008-12-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went in to Swedish Hospital to talk to the research coordinator for the clinical trial that I asked to be in. This particular trial fits my situation perfectly. It is for early stage breast cancer patients who have completed chemo and radiation and are taking tamoxifen. I specifically asked to be in this trial because it adds bisphosphonates to the tamoxifen regime. Bisphosphonates are drugs generally used for bone loss, such as osteoporosis. They have been found to have a significant impact on distant recurrences of breast cancer to the bones. This trial measures the use of tamoxifen with bisphosphonates administered in different ways, via IV or taken in pill form.

I was really excited to be part of it since the benefits are significant. Unfortunately I was told that I was too far out from chemotherapy. The people who run the study set it up as part of the criteria that the participants were no more than 8 weeks out from chemo. I am 12 weeks out. I never thought I would be disappointed to be further away from chemo. I am extremely disappointed that I can't be part of it. I am going to do whatever I can to get my doctor to prescribe Zometa (the bisphosphonate) for me so that I can get the benefits associated with the study.

Since I am 12 weeks out from chemo, my body is recovering from being assaulted. I have my energy back and I feel really good. I feel healthy and whole. The injustice of it all though is that now that I am feeling healthy, I still look sick. Though my hair is growing and people continue to remind me that it is, I still look like "Cancer Girl" when I look in the mirror. My mutinous eyelashes and eyebrows decided to take a hike at about 8 weeks after my last chemo and though they are coming back, it just isn't fast enough. What kind of justice is it when the hair on my chin, under my arms and on my legs comes back with a vengeance but the hair on my head is growing back at a snails pace? Drat! I want to look as healthy on the outside as I feel on the inside. Every morning I look in the mirror and though I see someone who is healthy and happy and I am thankful for that, there is only one word that comes to mind when looking at my head....GROW!!

5 Reasons

2008-12-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

Last May when I was diagnosed, my friend Mindy asked me if I would like to participate in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. As it happened, it was the same week as my surgery so I couldn't participate. And to be honest, my head just wasn't in it. I was reeling from the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't really think past the fact that I could lose my life and that I was in for a fight.

I had friends who participated in the Susan G. Komen 3 day in September as well. It just so happened that the timing of the 3 day began on the day after my last round of chemo. Once again I couldn't participate and to be perfectly honest, I was pretty engrossed in my own battle. I wasn't ready to take on anyone else's.

Now that I can look in the rear view mirror a bit and distance myself from the shock of being diagnosed and the physical demands of going through therapy, I find myself wanting to do what I can to participate in the larger fight against cancer, not just my own.

There are many reasons for wanting to do this. Part of it is selfish. I want to find a cure for breast cancer so I don't have to go through it again. Part of it is more altruistic-I don't want ANYONE to have to be diagnosed with ANY kind of cancer.

I have just signed up for the Relay for Life on Mindy's team for 2009 and will plan to participate in the 3 day in September as well. My reasons? See the beautiful girls above? My two daughters and my three nieces. I never, ever, ever want them to hear those words that I heard. You have cancer.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TRC/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GW?pg=peditor&fr_id=15243&px=8683152

‘Cancer isn’t going to win’

2008-12-05T00:27:00.001-08:00

I have been writing in the blog for about 6 months now to keep friends and family updated. For me, this has had the feel of having a personal conversation with friends over coffee. Many people have encouraged me to expand my writing. With that in mind, I took a big breath and submitted a story to my local paper. I am happy to say that it was accepted and has been published. Here is the online link to the Maple Valley Reporter. I am out in the world now!

‘Cancer isn’t going to win’

Posted using ShareThis

Wordle

2008-12-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

My girls helped me to create this fun image with a tool that they have at their school. Neat huh?

title="Wordle: Breast Cancer"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/359957/Breast_Cancer"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

The Next Chapter

2008-12-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

If Chapter 1 was surgery, Chapter 2 was chemotherapy, Chapter 3 radiation, then Tamoxifen must be Chapter 4. Today I will start taking Tamoxifen. I will take it for a minimum of 5 years. Tamoxifen is a hormone blocker used specifically for people who are hormone receptor positive. I am hormone receptor positive for both Estrogen and Progesterone. Historically breast cancers were all treated the same way. Now with the advances that have been made in breast cancer research, doctors understand that not all cancers are the same. Because I'm female, I produce estrogen. Tamoxifen blocks the estrogen from attaching onto cancer cells which causes them to grow. Simple. Like anything else there are benefits and potential side effects. Most likely I will experience hot flashes. Who wouldn't want to have more of those? More serious is an increased risk for uterine cancer. I am counting on the fact that the benefits, which are significant in reducing the risk of recurrence, will outweigh the risks.

Like everyone else at WaMu, I was given notice today on my job status. As expected, I will be laid off, but will be working through the end of March. This is the best possible solution for me. I get the opportunity to be part of the change from WaMu to JP Morgan Chase doing work that I enjoy. The risk is that I may miss out on an opportunity outside of WaMu that may not be available in April that is available now. I hope in this case as well, that the benefits will outweigh the risks. I am ready to take on the next chapter.

Defense

2008-11-29T21:42:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of having lunch today with several friends from my Nordstrom days. Despite the fact that we have not worked together in 8 or 10 years we still try to keep in touch and get together at least once per year. It was great to see all of them and get updates on what is important in their lives these days. They asked me what has changed in my life since my diagnosis and I told them there are several things. My perspective for one. My utter amazement at my friends and family for another, and the way I view my "job" of keeping cancer at bay.

I have done most of the heavy lifting that I can medically now and feel like it is my job to construct the best defense possible against a recurrence since I am now at a greater risk than someone who has not had cancer.

To be sure, there are people who are overweight, smoke their lives away, drink like fish and spend all of their waking hours at McDonalds who never get cancer in their lifetime. There are also people who eat organically, carry very little extra weight, exercise like fiends who are diagnosed with cancer. Look at Lance Armstrong for instance-a healthier specimen would be difficult to find. There are people who carry the breast cancer gene who are never diagnosed and people like me who don't have a history but are diagnosed anyway.

There are no sure fire ways of preventing cancer. But there are ways to decrease your risk. I have spent a lot of time researching, talking to doctors, nutritionists, naturopaths and anyone else I can think of to help me decide on the defense that is right for me. So for Inga, Fabi, Helen and Michelle', here is my plan of attack. It is what is right for me and it is constantly evolving. It is not necessarily what is right for anyone else. Everyone has to do what works for them....

Supplements:
Multi-vitamin
Calcium supplement with Vitamin D
Fish Oil
Vitamin C

Diet:
No processed sugar or sugar substitutes
No corn syrup of any kind
Limited trans-fats
1 cup of green tea 5-6 times per week
Limited red meat
Limited alcohol
Lots of fruits and vegetables in a rainbow of colors
Limited flax and soy (this is because I am estrogen positive-in general, these things are very healthy)
Lots of whole grains and fiber
Water, water and more water

Habits:
Exercise 4 1/2-5 hours each week
Try to limit stress
READ LABELS!-I try to choose things with as few ingredients as possible. I also try to not choose items that have ingredients that I wouldn't eat on their own. Would you put Yellow #9 on a plate and eat it by itself??
Buy organic produce whenever possible
Get 10-15 minutes of sunshine a couple times per week
Reduce my body fat (this is a work in progress!)
Listen to my body and talk to my doctor with any questions
Get regular mammograms
Be mindful of my environment-plastics, pesticides etc.

Will this guarantee that my cancer won't return? Nope. If there was a guarantee, I would be the first in line to get one. Lifestyle changes (diet and exercise) can reduce my risk of a recurrence by up to 50% which is more than I got from chemo and radiation. Is it worth it for me to skip the candy bar? You bet.

Thankful

2008-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

Last night we returned from Hawaii. The timing of this vacation couldn't have been better. I have been battling cancer for a full 6 months. It has been a very difficult and challenging six months not only for me but for those who care about me as well. It is emotionally and physically draining. I was so thankful to be somewhere with my family where I had no appointments, no drugs, no schedule. We rested and relaxed and played and played some more.

Today I will go to my mother's house for Thanksgiving where my sister and her family will be as well as my grandmother. Besides my husband and my children, these are the people who have been most intimately involved in this battle. I am incredibly grateful to have each of them in my corner. From my grandmother who despite having no real experience on a computer is now a faithful reader of my blog, to my mother who had to watch her oldest daughter shave her head and couldn't do it for her. From my stepfather who was the first person to get on the phone to start making phone calls after I was diagnosed to try to find me a doctor to my niece Ellie who has accepted her Auntie's bald head with humor and glee asking me constantly if she can feel my "noggin". From my brother-in-law who doesn't bat an eye when I ask him to go to KFC for me or rescue my husband and children from a flat tire to my sister who has done and been everything. Even my little nieces Rachael and Jillian who could care less if their Auntie is sick and bald as long as she is willing to change their diaper or be thrown up on (Which she is ALWAYS willing to do!)

My list of things to be thankful for wouldn't be complete if I didn't include the incredible care I have received at Swedish and at Valley Medical. Say what you will about healthcare in this country, but I could not be happier with my doctors, nurses and techs and even my insurance provider. I realize fully that not everyone has access to the care that I have and I am thankful for what I have experienced.

I am thankful for my health. I think everyone will think this today and maybe even say it out loud, but I don't know if everyone will truly grasp what it feels like to go through a day not worrying about your health. I tried once to explain to a friend what it is like to spend every minute of every day thinking about your health and I don't think I did a good job of conveying what a gift it is to have other thoughts during the day...to think of your good health only in passing. Today I will be thankful for my health and that of my friends and family and I will be grateful to God that today on this day designed for thanks giving, I am here, I am healthy and I don't have to spend every minute wondering if tomorrow I won't be.

Aloha

2008-11-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

Hawaii is the right place to come to recover. There is nothing better than a tropical breeze, floating in salt water and waking up to sunshine every day. We are having a really great time in Hawaii. We have not had a plan for any day but have just gone with whatever strikes our fancy for the day.

So far we have snorkeled and swam and relaxed. We thoroughly explored the north side of the island and are now on the south side of the island for the duration of our trip. Today is a rainy day here but we have had so much fun spending time with our kids that we haven't even noticed. Our kids have re-discovered the joy of board games and we have laughed ourselves silly playing Scrabble.

I am so grateful to have this time with my family. I enjoy my kids and my husband. We have fun together. I had nearly forgotten how to do so.

Aloha for now...

R&R

2008-11-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Call it Rest and Relaxation, or Recuperating and Recovery. We are headed off to sunny Hawaii and I can't think when I have ever looked forward more to a vacation. It has been my focal point since May, knowing that as soon as I was finished with treatment, I would get this special time with my family. We will play on the beach and walk around my favorite island and snorkel and rest. We will sleep in and nap when we need to and do nothing at all if that is what feels right.

The girls are excited to go somewhere they have never been and Larry is excited to be able to rest. Sleep has not been his friend since his shoulder surgery and it is beginning to catch up with him. My family needs the rest as much as I do. It is hard to be the patient but it is equally hard to be the caretakers. I know that they have worried and lost sleep and cried and struggled the entire way through, though they have been strong and caring and loving.

When you get married and you say those vows "through sickness and health", I don't know that you can ever truly understand what that means. I think Larry and I now understand that and are thankful that we chose each other as life partners. The girls never signed up for this. Their life was very carefree and their biggest worries were what to wear to school. They have risen to the challenge beautifully. I could not be more proud of my family. So we will stand on the beach and celebrate all of us; our strength as individuals and as a family. Aloha!

Done!

2008-11-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

1 Surgery, 4 rounds of chemo, 33 doses of radiation, 77 hospital/doctor visits, 100's of thousands of dollars in medical bills-one lump. Done!

Down to the Wire

2008-11-11T19:19:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe I have made it this far. Tomorrow is my last day of radiation. My last day! I never thought I would say this, but I will actually miss the people that I have seen every day for the last 6 and 1/2 weeks. I have had the same 3 or 4 techs every day and they are wonderful. They could spend the 10-15 minutes that I am in there just working and ignoring the patient, but they don't. They talk to me every day, remember things that we have discussed and ask questions about my life.

At Valley, they have valet parking for the radiation patients. Every day the same 2 valets wave me in, take my keys and take care of my car. They know me now too. Most of the time they just let me park myself! They know not to send my car very far because I will only be 10-15 minutes. Collectively they have made an experience that could have been really miserable, something that wasn't that bad.

I will miss them, but I will not miss having an appointment every day. I will not miss being reminded every morning that I am STILL fighting cancer. I will not miss driving the extra 25 minutes every day and having to ride a different bus because there is no room at the park and ride at that time. I will not miss the red peeling skin under my arm.

I had heard that people who don't have to do chemo think that radiation is tough to do and people who do chemo think that radiation is easy in comparison. Radiation is not easy. It causes skin redness and itchiness, sometimes blisters and a low-grade fatigue all of the time. That being said, radiation was a walk in the park as compared to chemo. It is a completely different type of fatigue. I still function very normally with the possible exception that I go to bed a little earlier and feel tired by late afternoon. The only other thing for me is that I have Restless Leg Syndrome and have had it since I was young without knowing what it was. It is something that makes you feel like your skin is crawling and you must move your legs to get it to stop. I generally feel this when I am tired so having a low-grade fatigue all the time means for me that my legs are going crazy almost all the time.

I'm lucky. I know I am. Some people have much more intense side effects that I have had. My radiation doctor and the techs tell me all the time that my skin is amazing and resilient. God might have given me cancer, but He also gave me very good health, strength beyond what I thought I had and resiliency. He also gave me love and support from many different directions. We did it! All of us!